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Back to the Future Sucks!

The official title of this article is “Back to the Future Sucks and I am glad the clock tower burned down and my only regret is that you weren’t in it while it was on fire!”

If I have to hear one more person pretend to lament the demise of this MOVIE SET, I am just gonna snap.

Oh, you loved Back to the Future? Wow, you must be an original, free-thinker. Usually movies that earn 210 million dollars (in 19fucking85!) aren’t appreciated by the general population, like that. You’re a regular Hunter S. Thompson.

I could go on for hours about why this makes me hate you. Mostly because I know there are like 12 people reading this right now who are taking this as a personal attack because of something they have said or done in the past few days. Let me reassure you: it’s not about you. It’s about you and the 11 other people reading this right now (and the 784 who aren’t) that all said or did something about the fire at Universal and how it has affected the beloved piece of wood that was in a movie 20 years ago.

Instead, I am going to through and systematically show you why you are a jackass for proclaiming this a great movie. Let me spoil it for you, right now: It’s not.

1.) It’s corny.

Lou: You gonna order something, kid?
Marty McFly: Ah, yeah… Give me – Give me a Tab.
Lou: Tab? I can’t give you a tab unless you order something.
Marty McFly: All right, give me a Pepsi Free.
Lou: You want a Pepsi, PAL, you’re gonna pay for it.

Hilarious! Hey Zemeckis, Abbott and Costello called, they want their bit back.

2.) It makes no sense.

I know that it’s a movie, but every time I see Alex P. Keaton pull out that photograph to check if his relatives are disappearing, I want to punch someone in the face.

88 miles an hour? That’s all it takes, huh? TO GO BACK IN TIME? That and some plutonium somehow makes 1.21 gigawatts of electricity, triggering a reaction that bends the space/time continuum. Good thing an instantaneous reaction like that wouldn’t create a lot of heat as a by-product. That might put a crimp in your travel plans if your ugly stainless steel car were to be vaporized along with the whole state you’re in as well as the three states bordering it.

I get it. It’s a movie. But we all know there is a point where “movie logic” runs its course.

“OK, so Neo can fly? Why didn’t he do that 500 other times during the movie? It seems like that really would have come in handy back then.”

I rest my case.

3.) Apparently, Rock n’ Roll was invented by a white teenager.

Not my joke, but it merits mentioning.

It should also be noted he’s the inspiration for Hill Valley’s first black mayor, too.

4.) It’s one big ad.

Pepsi. Nike. Burger King. Mattel. Delorean Motor Cars. Brylcreem.

As far as I can recall, this movie marked the glorious birth of the product-placement deal. Certainly, if it existed, it hadn’t been so blatant and persuasive. So next time you’re watching a movie and someone says, “hey, let’s go grab a delicious and re-freshing Coke Zero,” instead of “hey, let’s go get something to drink,” you have this thing to thank.

5.) They chickened out of their place in movie history.

The scene where Marty makes out with his mother could have been possibly the sexiest moment in a film. Ever.

I guess they felt American audiences weren’t ready for that kind of wish-fulfillment? I don’t know. I mean, who wouldn’t want to vicariously live out every man’s fantasy: i.e. traveling back in time to have sex with your father’s wife?

6.) Those constant callbacks to time-travel aren’t funny.

Hey, did you ever notice how Doc Brown’s appearance never changes? What about how they talk about nobody being able to afford two TVs?? Ronald Reagan, the president?!?!

Oh man, that’s all too much! Show me how the “humor” in this movie isn’t exactly the same thing as every hack comedian’s pop culture act; making constant references to the zeitgeist and the things that are popular now, versus the things that used to be popular back then. In fact, as I’m thinking this over, I wonder how much of this is owed to Yakov Smirnoff.

“In 1950’s America, manure takes dump on you!”

If I still haven’t convinced you, don’t forget Michael J. Fox lip-synching. The whole “Calvin Klein” mix-up. Michael J. Fox inventing skateboarding. Wayne from The Wonder Years. Michael J. Fox going back in time and making his family rich, yet they still figured, “hey, we should continue to live under these high-tension powerlines!”

About the only genuine laugh I can remember is when everyone thinks he’s in the Navy because he has a puffy vest. And that’s what? A hearty chuckle?

I mean, be honest with yourself. Is this a good movie or do you just think it is because when you watched it as a kid, you were stupid and had yet to come out of the closet? Isn’t it time you hipsters drop this “nostalgia for things that actually sucked” bullshit once and for all? I know this means you’ll have to throw out your Poison T-shirts, but you’re 32 years old now. When your dad was your age, he had a wife and 3 kids and a job where he had to wear a tie to work.

I mean, I don’t have any of those things, but I’m different. I like things nobody likes: like Back to the Future 2. I’m special!