3:05 if you’re impatient.
Memorial Day Weekend is supposed to be about having fun, right? Well, this hasn’t turned out to be a very happy Memorial Day Weekend for me.
I hadn’t told many people that I had applied to the Cal State Arts video program, because I didn’t want to jinx it. It turns out that was all for nothing, because today I got my rejection letter.
I worked on this video, literally, for months. It’s actually just one of about 50 that I conceived, probably half of which I shot and ten I fully edited. Out of those, this was the best I could do. I know that to be true in my heart.
I know it’s good work. It shows all that I am capable of. But I guess it’s not good enough.
Frankly, I don’t know what the future holds for me and I probably shouldn’t fly off the handle and make any rash decisions right now, while I’m still so upset.
I am going to type out a portion of the rejection letter I received, so you can see what kind of people I am dealing with. It should probably make me feel better that I won’t be associating myself with people like this. People of such ignorance, completely lacking in class. People who would kick someone when they’re already down. Like I said, I should feel better, but I don’t.
“As someone who works closely with the dean of students, I usually don’t take the time to provide any direct feedback on the video submissions we receive, but I believe your video was so extraordinarily awful, it deserves its own comments. Simply put, this is the worst video I have ever seen. Ever. You write about the ‘days and weeks’ it took you to complete this, but I am hard pressed to see how this isn’t just an actual commercial for Sea World that has had the audio track removed and replaced by a poorly-sung, idiotic song of your own creation, followed by 20 seconds of fart sounds. Amateurish fart sounds, I might add. Ones highly lacking in authenticity. In fact, I would suspect this were all some sort of expensive prank (as your $75 application fee is, of course, non-refundable), were it not for the accompanying application, so poorly-written, I suspect you to be mentally challenged and incapable of grasping the concept of humor.”
…to do this video! LOL!
So, continuing my recent tradition of not accomplishing anything with this blog, here’s a video I made 9 years ago that has no sound and was oriented at a 90 degree angle (which explains the large, black bars on the side, once I finally figured out how to rotate it.)
There’s a big internet brouhaha over this clip, but personally, I feel Mr. Thornton handled this like a scholar and a gentleman.
Please watch this video and make sure you spread the word about the dangers of grizzly bears.
You ever go through life thinking you’re good at something; that you have a unique skill? People tell you how amazing you are at it and how they’ve never seen anything like it?
And then, you watch one video and realize you’re a fucking hack.
I have to give credit for this one to this girl I know. She wouldn’t shut up about this show and I finally watched it and I have to say, it’s easily one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.
It’s called Summer Heights High and if you’re a fan of the original Kath and Kim or Muriel’s Wedding, I think you’ll love it. It’s got that Australian sensibility where you’re laughing at, not with all sorts of psychopaths. It’s very un-politically correct, so consider yourself warned.
I was gonna post a link to some funny clips, but I’m not sure if that would ruin it.
Just trust me and go rent it or watch it on HBO.
OK, I changed my mind. This isn’t my favorite clip, but it’s up there:
You may remember I had a small role in a web series called ‘The Lone Wolf‘? No?
Anyway, the final episode is up, you should check it out! In fact, you should check them all out, in order. But do it in one sitting so you can better follow it. I would honestly recommend that if at any point you become distracted and have to pause the episode you are currently watching, that you go back and re-watch them all again. It’s that important.
I’ve written about this thing before (here and here), but let me state, for the record, that the G.I. Joe U.S.S. Flagg aircraft carrier is, without hyperbole, the greatest toy in the entire history of the universe.
You may have noticed that my mentioning of it mostly centers around the fact that I didn’t have one, but other, richer (or more loved?) kids I knew did. I think this could be, very well, one of the defining moments of my life, which has indelibly shaped my worldview to the point where I am no longer able to be truly happy.
If you’re completely lost at this point because you’re not between the ages of 28 and 34 or you’re a girl, you can read more about it at this link. Basically, it’s an 8 FOOT LONG, GODDAM FUCKING AIRCRAFT CARRIER!
There’s really no way to explain the appeal beyond that. If your mind doesn’t instantly go to “Holy shit, that sounds awesome, I would kill six babies for that thing!” then I don’t know what else to say. I don’t mean stranger babies, either. I mean your own flesh and blood.
You see in this ad how those kids get shrunk down and start running around as if they were action figure size? That’s how you felt when you played with this thing, or so I would assume from the six minutes I actually got to spend doing that. Did I mention IT’S GOT ITS OWN LOUDSPEAKER SYSTEM?!
If I had gotten one of these things, I would probably still be playing with it right now. In fact, I wouldn’t be writing this blog because I’d be in my feetie pajamas, doing take offs and landings in my Skystriker XP-14F while the family who had moved into my parent’s house 11 years ago screamed at me to leave.
But, I never got one of them and now they go for thousands of dollars on eBay. So, opportunity missed. Of course, if you’re feeling generous and have one in your house, just sitting around, you could always give yours to me. Let me start holding my breath while I wait for that to happen.
I was forced to beg my so-called “friends” to let me play with theirs. The problem is, these spoiled brats didn’t appreciate what they had. By the time I came over, they were sick of it already and looking to beat up some immigrants or huff paint fumes or whatever.
“Hey, I’m rich and my parents love me, what do I care? Let’s light this thing on fire, that would be funny!”
Yeah, real funny when I rip out your fucking intestines and use them to choke you.
What? Anyway. The worst part about this whole thing is that my parents, who seemed to have just enough cash to buy a new Audi every 2 years, couldn’t quite scrape up the dough to have Santa get me one, even though I sat them down and explained to them that, short of moving to the Polynesian Resort at Disney World, this is the only thing that would ever make me happy. They told me it was simply too expensive.
You know how much this marvel of fantastic toy engineering cost? ONE HUNDRED AND NINE MEASLY FUCKING DOLLARS!
$109?? Are you kidding me? These yuppie scum probably probably dropped that much in coke onto our endangered seal skin carpet on a daily basis.
Look, I’m not here to bash my parents, but they are awful, selfish people who have never thought about anyone but themselves. I have constantly paid the price for their numerous mistakes they have made in rearing my brother and I. IT’S GOT AN EQUIPMENT ELEVATOR TO RAISE UP THE LITTLE CART THAT REFUELS THE JETS! I mean, c’mon, looking back, I assumed this thing must have cost at least five hundred bucks, that would at least partly justify their indifference to my suffering on some level, right?
I’m so agitated right now, I can barely figure out where I am. Needless to say, this is going to be a Christmas to remember. And rest assured, I will do everything in my power to make sure you celebrate it from the comfort of your new rest home, Mom and Dad. Once you are safely locked up, I will use my inheritance to start to make things right, I don’t care how much of your money it takes.
Because, though you two monsters may disagree, I am worth it. Go, Joe!
I was originally only gonna put this on Facebook, because frankly it’s a little too inside to be relevant to a wider audience, but trust me, this punk had it coming.
This is why you should never email me.