video

Happy Halloween!

Check out this spooky Halloween video I am in with Josh Simpson and Scott Rodgers. It’s a 4 part series, so make sure to check back and see how it all ends! Please pass it on and don’t forget to vote “funny” because if you don’t, that makes you a freeloading liar and a terrorist. Look, I’m sorry things got so heated. I said some things, you said somethings, but ultimately, I feel our friendship is stronger for it.

Plus, I’m wearing overalls.

Video: http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/4tig

Sex Robots!

Hey everybody, this is a video I made with the site, Funny or Die.

It’s called ‘Sex Robots’ and contrary to the title, it’s a thoughtful piece about societal norms and the male libido. Plus, I’m in a bodysuit!

Please feel free to vote and pass this on to your friends if you enjoy it.

Your pal,

Dick Cheney.

http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/4lq8

The Ace of Base Burger

OK, I know Ace of Base isn’t actually from the Netherlands (they’re from Switzerland), but try and name something that is, besides pot. Exactly.

So here is my old commercial, (sorta) dubbed into Dutch. What do I mean, ‘sorta’? Just watch and you’ll see.

Seriously, probably my proudest moment as an actor.

Actor’s Corner – 9/15/2009

eric sports

I’m gonna try and keep this low-key, because I could probably get in trouble if this got out, but I wanted to share a little behind-the-scenes, Hollywood stuff with you guys, out there languishing at your 9 to 5 jobs in the midwest.

It’s rare you get to see the curtain come down and reveal all the hard work that goes into making the magic, so this should be quite a treat.

Basically, back in August, some producers from Warner Bros. approached my people with an intriguing offer. Apparently, Daniel Radcliffe had been giving them some trouble with negotiations for the final two films and so they entertained the idea of casting a new actor in the role of Harry Potter.

Naturally, I was on the top of their list and so they had me come in and get all dressed up in the outfit and everything and do a screen test.

I think you’re going to be blown away. I’m normally a fairly modest person, but this is work I am really, really proud of.

Unfortunately, it turns out that they were just using me. They brought ol’ Danny Boy this footage, he shit his pants when he saw my performance and signed on the dotted line and was back in his wizard get-up before he could say, “I’ve singularly been outclassed by the greatest dramatic actor of our generation!”

Anyway, here it is, my part starts around the 20 second mark and remember, keep this under your (wizard) hats!

What the rock?

jani lane

The crowning achievement of cool, in my young life, came in the form of attending a Poison concert with my mom and two of my friends. I was 11 or 12 and after I made them pour out the wine they had somehow managed to siphon into two, small Oxy 10 bottles, my friends and I hopped into my mom’s car for the drive into Hartford.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Why Eric, that isn’t cool at all!”

Yes, you are right and that is the point, but stop interrupting me, it gets worse.

Things really hit their apex during one of the band’s popular songs, “Don’t Need Nothin’ But A Good Time.”

The lead singer, Bret Michaels (see photo above), you see, he decided to change some of the lyrics, to make them more bawdy!

Instead of singing, “Saturday night, I’d like to make my girl, but right now I can’t make ends meet,” he sang, “Saturday night, I’d like to fuck my girl, but right now I can’t make ends meet!”

Do you see what he did there??

Yes, I know he ruined whatever cleverness or wordplay was in there, but he also used a swear word! Which, when you’re 11, is pretty fucking cool! The place went nuts!

And I was there!

I mean, I thought I was cool when my older cousins gave me a Def Leppard Pyromania Tour t-shirt for Christmas one year. I told everyone in school that they got it when they actually went to the concert! I was so proud!

Later (and by later, I mean 3 months ago) I spoke to my cousins about it and they admitted that they actually got it at Spencer’s Gifts as a goof on me, because Def Leppard is so lame.

You know what, Stacey and Siobhan? You’re lame!

No, that’s not true. You guys are cool, I didn’t mean that.

Which got me thinking, because of radio censorship, I’d imagine a lot of songs were originally written with the word ‘fuck’ in them, only to have it taken out and replaced with something else.

And then I started thinking some more. There were a lot of songs with the suspicious use of the word ‘rock’ as a verb.

Rock.

Fuck.

Phonetically, very similar, no?

These I will focus on here. I say ‘suspicious’ because if you accept this premise and then do some translating, sometimes the results are a little surprising.

OK, so if you take the song to mean “Let’s get fucked”, then Def Leppard has got some ‘splainin’ to do!

But maybe that’s what my cousins meant, by saying Def Leppard is ‘lame’? If that’s the case, then they are homophobic.

At one point, he sings, “Let’s get the rock out of here!” which I feel translates much better. This is a clear-cut example of what I’m talking about. “Let’s get the fuck out of here” is a familiar phrase, but one that’s admittedly not radio-safe. Switch it out with a similar-sounding one. I get it.

Everybody knows this one. What you might not have caught was “I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all!” meaning “Hey, I’ve gotten a million bj’s on tour, because I’m a rock star. Fuck you and your shitty job, dickweed.”

Bad form to brag like this, Bon Jovi. Bad form, indeed.

I was going to do “Rock You Like a Hurricane” by the Scorpions, but they won’t let me imbed the video. Those guys are German or Swedish or something, so they can be forgiven if they mess up the language a little bit. They way it’s phrased, it sounds more like he’s telling someone off. “Here I am. Fuck you. Like a hurricane.” Foreigners!

Here’s another popular song, but unlike those Scorpions, the band Kiss can’t be forgiven for making so little sense. You’d think people from Detroit would be better educated. “I wanna fuck and roll all night”? What the hell does that even mean?

Well, that’s all I’ve got. What about you? I’d like to see your examples in the comments. So do it.

I’m grrrrrrreat!

paris tiger who

I feel like I’ve used that title already, but I’m too lazy to check, so I’ll just assume I haven’t.

Anyway, if you click this link and sit through an ad, you only have to watch the first minute to see my part. I promise. That’s not so bad, right? Supposedly, they’ll be showing these in front of every new episode and the director has assured me that I have some more “doozies”, so set your Tivos!

http://www.mtv.com/videos/paris-hiltons-my-new-bff-season-2-ep-1-no-more-hungry-tigers/1612273/playlist.jhtml