Hollywood: They Owe Us!


Do you enjoy the phrase, “Careful what you wish for?” Me too!

How about “teaching semi-celebrities a lesson?” Me three!

If any of these things appeals to you, or you just have a thirst for mischief–OR, if you’re one of those people who like to participate in things, but don’t want to work too hard to do it, then help me out by following Steve Agee on Twitter.

Today, he made an appeal that if he gets 5000 followers by Friday, he’s going to make a video blog where he thanks all of them by name.

As of this writing, he’s at about 3500.

Now, why am I so interested in making sure he gets to 5000 followers? Did he pay me or something?


It’s because I don’t think he’s really sat down and thought about how long it’s going to take him to read off a list of 5000+ names.

Let’s say he’s not going to add “thank you <blank> in front of each and just says “thank you, <blank>, <blank>, <blank>… etc.” If he doesn’t take a break and can manage to say each in an average of two seconds, which is pretty quick, if you try it, that’s about 10,000 seconds.

5000 followers x 2 seconds/follower = 10,000 seconds

10,000 seconds x 1 minute/60 seconds = 166.67 minutes

166.67 minutes = (roughly) 2 hours, 47 minutes

So what, you ask? Can you imagine sitting there, reading off a giant list that you probably burned through fifty bucks in ink just to make? For almost 3 hours??

And that’s if everything goes well!

Now, also imagine you’re a busy, Hollywood, almost-celebrity and this bullshit is takin’ time out of your busy schedule of lunching with George Hamilton at Spago, or doing coke in a Lamborghini Countach with Kathy Ireland, or whatever the hell millionaires from basic cable TV shows do with their free time.

But he can’t just “not do it”! Because the backlash would destroy him! He’d lose his lucrative endorsement deals with the Tetlea Tea Company!

Oh yes, I think Mr. Steve Agee has really dug himself a pretty big hole with this one!

So if you’re on twitter, please head over to and click on ‘follow’. And if you’re not, just sign up for an account, it’s the future and if you aren’t on it, you seem old and foolish and out of touch with the kids today.

This could be your only chance to bump elbows (in an admittedly brief and unsatisfying way) with the stars!

Friends listen to “Endless Love” in the dark

So Michael Jackson is broke and they’re auctioning off all his stuff. If you’ve been following this, you’ve no doubt oohed and aahed at the creepy little kid statues and the 800 arcade games this motherfucker has.

But you might have missed this:


That’s a pair of paintings (?) made by Jacko and Macaulay Culkin.

Seems innocent enough, right? I mean, for him?

You might picture it something like this:

Michael: Hey, let’s go play pirate ship in my bedroom under the covers with our shirts off!

Macaulay: Ummm… how about we do squiggly line paintings instead?

But then you look at the dates. Pluckin McCluckin made his in 1991 and The King of Pop did his in 1998.

There goes my 100% probable explanation!

So here’s my new one.

It’s 1998. You’re Michael Jackson. Nobody likes you anymore. Everyone thinks you’re a child molestor. Worse yet: your best bud has gotten old and ugly now. You wouldn’t even molest him if you were drunk on Jesus Juice.

What are you gonna do?

I know! Pull out some memorabilia to remind you of better times!

“Hey look, what’s this? Why it’s a painting he did back in his Home Alone days! Back when he was hot!

Well, you know what? I’m not just gonna sit here, staring longingly at this, remembering all the sexy times we had! I’m gonna make my own goddam painting!”

And then the fumes from the paint made his nose fall off. True story.

Hamburger Helper #3


Well, our newest Hamburger Helper cartoon is up! Hope you enjoy it. This is what I do now instead of writing blogs. This is all you get. Not to be a dick about it or anything, but I’m a big shot Hollywood writer now, so I don’t have time for this small-time nonsense anymore. I have Ferrari’s to drive and models to bang. Not to mention making a mess in my mansion so I feel like my maid is earning her money and not just getting a paycheck for nothing.

The thrilling conclusion of ‘The Lone Wolf!’

You may remember I had a small role in a web series called ‘The Lone Wolf‘? No?

That’s cool.

Anyway, the final episode is up, you should check it out! In fact, you should check them all out, in order. But do it in one sitting so you can better follow it. I would honestly recommend that if at any point you become distracted and have to pause the episode you are currently watching, that you go back and re-watch them all again. It’s that important.


Meet The Boner (I’ve got for this movie)


15 days. 21 hours. 7 minutes. 34 seconds.

That’s my countdown to the release of what looks to be the greatest movie ever in the history of movies.

Meet the Spartans!

Check it out, this flick has everything.

If you’re like me, you’ve been hoping that there would be a movie that comes out and spoofs “300”, “Stomp the Yard” and Britney Spears shaving her head.

Well guess what, dicks? It’s all in this movie!

I know, you think I’m lying, but I’m not. Go watch the trailer! While you’re at it, sign up for email updates!

If you’re interested, I’ll be at the Hollywood Galaxy 6, midnight on Thursday, the 24th. We’re meeting up with a big group. Drop me a line and let me know if you want in, we’re gonna try and get a whole row somewhere in the middle of the theater.

Get on the bus!


I wasn’t sure how to introduce this, but I made a new blog.

I actually have like ten, but I don’t ever update them. I will try and update this one.

It’s basically a place where I can send pictures from my cell phone to, but I will also write little posts that I normally wouldn’t want to clog this place up with.

Small little bites.

So if you’ve been thinking “gee, this blog is getting a little wordy, I wish these posts were much shorter” then you are in luck.

So give it a chance! Or not.