commentary

What the rock?

jani lane

The crowning achievement of cool, in my young life, came in the form of attending a Poison concert with my mom and two of my friends. I was 11 or 12 and after I made them pour out the wine they had somehow managed to siphon into two, small Oxy 10 bottles, my friends and I hopped into my mom’s car for the drive into Hartford.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Why Eric, that isn’t cool at all!”

Yes, you are right and that is the point, but stop interrupting me, it gets worse.

Things really hit their apex during one of the band’s popular songs, “Don’t Need Nothin’ But A Good Time.”

The lead singer, Bret Michaels (see photo above), you see, he decided to change some of the lyrics, to make them more bawdy!

Instead of singing, “Saturday night, I’d like to make my girl, but right now I can’t make ends meet,” he sang, “Saturday night, I’d like to fuck my girl, but right now I can’t make ends meet!”

Do you see what he did there??

Yes, I know he ruined whatever cleverness or wordplay was in there, but he also used a swear word! Which, when you’re 11, is pretty fucking cool! The place went nuts!

And I was there!

I mean, I thought I was cool when my older cousins gave me a Def Leppard Pyromania Tour t-shirt for Christmas one year. I told everyone in school that they got it when they actually went to the concert! I was so proud!

Later (and by later, I mean 3 months ago) I spoke to my cousins about it and they admitted that they actually got it at Spencer’s Gifts as a goof on me, because Def Leppard is so lame.

You know what, Stacey and Siobhan? You’re lame!

No, that’s not true. You guys are cool, I didn’t mean that.

Which got me thinking, because of radio censorship, I’d imagine a lot of songs were originally written with the word ‘fuck’ in them, only to have it taken out and replaced with something else.

And then I started thinking some more. There were a lot of songs with the suspicious use of the word ‘rock’ as a verb.

Rock.

Fuck.

Phonetically, very similar, no?

These I will focus on here. I say ‘suspicious’ because if you accept this premise and then do some translating, sometimes the results are a little surprising.

OK, so if you take the song to mean “Let’s get fucked”, then Def Leppard has got some ‘splainin’ to do!

But maybe that’s what my cousins meant, by saying Def Leppard is ‘lame’? If that’s the case, then they are homophobic.

At one point, he sings, “Let’s get the rock out of here!” which I feel translates much better. This is a clear-cut example of what I’m talking about. “Let’s get the fuck out of here” is a familiar phrase, but one that’s admittedly not radio-safe. Switch it out with a similar-sounding one. I get it.

Everybody knows this one. What you might not have caught was “I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all!” meaning “Hey, I’ve gotten a million bj’s on tour, because I’m a rock star. Fuck you and your shitty job, dickweed.”

Bad form to brag like this, Bon Jovi. Bad form, indeed.

I was going to do “Rock You Like a Hurricane” by the Scorpions, but they won’t let me imbed the video. Those guys are German or Swedish or something, so they can be forgiven if they mess up the language a little bit. They way it’s phrased, it sounds more like he’s telling someone off. “Here I am. Fuck you. Like a hurricane.” Foreigners!

Here’s another popular song, but unlike those Scorpions, the band Kiss can’t be forgiven for making so little sense. You’d think people from Detroit would be better educated. “I wanna fuck and roll all night”? What the hell does that even mean?

Well, that’s all I’ve got. What about you? I’d like to see your examples in the comments. So do it.

The Will Smith Challenge 2009

Oh snap! My next movie is called "Monster Hunter"! That's hilarious!

Oh snap! My next movie is called "Monster Hunter"!

It has occurred to me that every movie, TV show or album Will Smith does has a title that could be used to describe his penis:

The Fresh Prince of Bel Air? Check.

Big Willy Style? Check.

Hancock? Ding ding ding.

Is this intentional? I’m not sure. The guy seems pretty goofy and not overtly sexual, right? Like what kind of rapper does songs about homework?

But then I thought, “Hey, you know what? If you were going to try and base your career around doing projects that sound like nicknames for your wang, you’d probably want to fly under the radar, right?”

You wouldn’t write rap songs about slapping chicks in the face with your johnson, because then everyone would be like, “Six Degrees Of Separation? More like “Six Inches of Penetration! Am I right? Right?”

I guess that one is problematic too, because no rapper would admit their penis was “only” six inches long.

I love a good conspiracy theory as much as anyone, so if you think you can debunk this with a counter-example, I’d love to hear it. Granted, some of them take some work, but pretty much the only one that didn’t occur to me right off the top of my head is “Independence Day”.

That was fairly early on in his career, so he probably wasn’t able to do anything about the title.

“Oh man, I hate the name of this movie, but it’s me and Jeff Goldblum! And aliens blow up the White House! It’s gotta be good!”

So try and stump me in the comments. You’ll see I’m right!

Hollywood: They Owe Us!

ageetwitter

Do you enjoy the phrase, “Careful what you wish for?” Me too!

How about “teaching semi-celebrities a lesson?” Me three!

If any of these things appeals to you, or you just have a thirst for mischief–OR, if you’re one of those people who like to participate in things, but don’t want to work too hard to do it, then help me out by following Steve Agee on Twitter.

Today, he made an appeal that if he gets 5000 followers by Friday, he’s going to make a video blog where he thanks all of them by name.

As of this writing, he’s at about 3500.

Now, why am I so interested in making sure he gets to 5000 followers? Did he pay me or something?

No.

It’s because I don’t think he’s really sat down and thought about how long it’s going to take him to read off a list of 5000+ names.

Let’s say he’s not going to add “thank you <blank> in front of each and just says “thank you, <blank>, <blank>, <blank>… etc.” If he doesn’t take a break and can manage to say each in an average of two seconds, which is pretty quick, if you try it, that’s about 10,000 seconds.

5000 followers x 2 seconds/follower = 10,000 seconds

10,000 seconds x 1 minute/60 seconds = 166.67 minutes

166.67 minutes = (roughly) 2 hours, 47 minutes

So what, you ask? Can you imagine sitting there, reading off a giant list that you probably burned through fifty bucks in ink just to make? For almost 3 hours??

And that’s if everything goes well!

Now, also imagine you’re a busy, Hollywood, almost-celebrity and this bullshit is takin’ time out of your busy schedule of lunching with George Hamilton at Spago, or doing coke in a Lamborghini Countach with Kathy Ireland, or whatever the hell millionaires from basic cable TV shows do with their free time.

But he can’t just “not do it”! Because the backlash would destroy him! He’d lose his lucrative endorsement deals with the Tetlea Tea Company!

Oh yes, I think Mr. Steve Agee has really dug himself a pretty big hole with this one!

So if you’re on twitter, please head over to twitter.com/steveagee and click on ‘follow’. And if you’re not, just sign up for an account, it’s the future and if you aren’t on it, you seem old and foolish and out of touch with the kids today.

This could be your only chance to bump elbows (in an admittedly brief and unsatisfying way) with the stars!

Dear Apple,

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(image courtesy of AppleInsider.com)

Thank you for finally implementing cut & paste, MMS and a built-in voice memo application for the new iPhone 3.0 update.

When you buy a $300 phone, it’s probably wrong to expect the same features that any run-of-the-mill Razr would have and I apologize for that. Especially now, since you’ve finally–

What?

It’s not out yet?

They were just announcing the features, not implementing them yet?

Hmm, not til this summer? Well, that doesn’t seem very nice.

It’s like when I was a kid and that rich millionaire came to our orphanage with all those toys and said we could have whatever we want but when we went in the truck, everything but that bag of 3 week old carrots was super-glued to the floor and we couldn’t take anything else, try as we might with our weak little orphan arms.

And then when we left the truck, he would laugh and say, “Boy, you orphans sure do love carrots!”

That’s how I feel now, as if I’m once again watching him drive away with his truck full of toys. Getting that little taste of hope. Relief. Dare I say, “happiness”? Only to have my dreams smashed in front of me.

If there was any snow in southern California, I’d go bury myself in it so that I’d sleep through the wait and then my friend could wake me up when it’s finally out.

Regrets. I’ve had a few.

emmanuel-lewis-and-waitress-at-cathouse-co-cathousejpeg

Chief among them is that I can no longer find “The Webster Home Page”.

What is “The Webster Home Page”, you ask?

Back in the early days of the internet, I stumbled upon a poorly made Geocities website titled “The Webster Home Page”.

In case you’re wondering who/what Webster is, in this case, Webster is Emmanuel Lewis.

Just the fact that somebody would name a fan page after a fictional character played by an actor, when they were clearly intending to pay tribute to the actor himself was enough to make me giggle.

Not to mention stating that it’s the “home page” of said fictional character. That’s rather presumptious, I think.

But the best part of this whole thing is the lone, grainy, color picture of Emmanuel Lewish riding on a float in a random, unidentified parade, waving to the crowd. It looks as if it was shot by the author himself. This was clearly not a publicity still taken from somewhere else. It looked like the Zapruder film.

And under the photo, the caption read, “This picture reminds me of his childlike spirit.”

That was pretty much it for the whole “The Webster Home Page”. I think there may have been one of those cheesy hit counters at the bottom. It was probably on 150 or something and I would guess 140 of those visits were mine.

But it’s gone now.

I remember saving the picture, but I can’t find it.

It really does drive me crazy. I mean, Henry Darger wrote a 15,000 page book because he lost a picture he had clipped out of a newspaper. I’m not saying it has driven me that crazy, but I do get the feeling people think I just made this whole thing up.

OK, I will go on record and say that the loss of “The Webster Home Page” haunts me. I think that’s a good way to put it.

I know that the chances of someone reading this and going, “Oh shit, I remember that! I totally have that picture, I’ll send it to Eric!” is right around the same odds of winning the lottery at the exact moment you are also getting struck by lightning and attacked by a shark, but I figured I’d put it out there.

Summer Heights High

I have to give credit for this one to this girl I know. She wouldn’t shut up about this show and I finally watched it and I have to say, it’s easily one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

It’s called Summer Heights High and if you’re a fan of the original Kath and Kim or Muriel’s Wedding, I think you’ll love it. It’s got that Australian sensibility where you’re laughing at, not with all sorts of psychopaths. It’s very un-politically correct, so consider yourself warned.

I was gonna post a link to some funny clips, but I’m not sure if that would ruin it.

Just trust me and go rent it or watch it on HBO.

OK, I changed my mind. This isn’t my favorite clip, but it’s up there:

Cell phone waiting lot

I’m sitting in the LAX cell phone waiting lot. If you’re from somewhere else, that probably seems like no big deal. But if you’re from LA, you’re probably asking yourself, “what the hell is the cell phone waiting lot?”. There’s 3 other cars here. Nobody uses it but me. They all circle the gates for 45 minutes and then complain about how awful the airport is. Because they are stupid.

2.0

I hate when somebody says something new is “2.0”.

That said, welcome to hollywoodphony 2.0.

This is basically gonna be like an extended twitter page for me.

Not that I won’t write any more long short stories and stuff, but you’ve probably noticed I’m suffocating under the weight of my own expectations that nobody actually has for me at all.

I realized I have like 20 unfinished drafts that I’ve never published because I’m worried they’re too stupid.

In my life, that qualifies as a wake-up call.

To be honest, even the pressure of finding a picture that I felt I wasn’t going to get me in trouble for stealing had become too much.

So now I’m just gonna post whatever comes to mind.

Basically like twitter, but without the space limitations?

And maybe some new short stories or videos.

You say “dumping ground”, I say “clearing house”.

So it’s come to this?

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Remember back in 1999 when everybody was like, “Oh man, what are we gonna call the 2000’s?”

Remember the naughts? The zips? The zeds?

Nobody ever came up with anything good. Even ten years later.

But now we’ve got something. Sorta.

Welcome ‘The Millennials’!

I’ve seen this term used 3 times in the past 2 days, so that’s good enough for me. I think it means that they have cellphones and go on Facebook. Also, they’re apparently huge douchebags.

I guess that it doesn’t really describe the decade itself, so much as the people growing up in, or coming of age in it, but fuck it. I’m sick of waiting.

Our long, national nightmare is finally over. You’re welcome.