Hail to the King!


(click here to watch the video)

Yes, I am still milking this shit and no, I can’t let it go. At least not yet.

I realized I may have jumped the gun by conceding defeat, because it occurred to me, I don’t always have to be so negative.

Well, in real life I do, but not on the internet! No, here I can be anything I want to be!

So, just like last time, I got sick of playing second fiddle to a bunch of nobodies, decided to change the rules and made myself the King of Digg!

To everyone who supported me, thank you so much. But since nobody did, you can all go to Hell and kiss my ass.


Let your CAPTCHA be your guide


[Hey there, if you want to see what my life has been like ever since this made the front page of Digg, please click here and check it out! Thanks, HP]

It must be wAcKy PIcTurE thUrsDAy!!! or something.

I guess Digg didn’t think this post was worthy (

I swear to god, I haven’t altered that at all. I was about to submit a post I didn’t think that was great; having second thoughts about just forgetting about it. Then I read that captcha.

I submitted it anyway. I’m not going to let a robot tell me what to do.

The Foot Fist Way


If you haven’t seen this movie, I highly recommend you go out and watch it. I think you can get it on Netflix or something.

I’m not here to review movies or anything, I just want to talk about what I think is really funny.

If you didn’t see Fred Simmons on Conan O’Brien last night, you can try and track it down on Youtube, but I think NBC is pretty vigilant about keeping their clips off of there.

Who is Fred Simmons, you may ask? Fred Simmons is the star of the movie, The Foot Fist Way. Last night, he was on Conan O’Brien to do a tae kwon do demonstration.

That’s what he does: he’s the king of the demo.

As funny as this was; having a small-town, tae kwon do teacher on network TV, the audience’s reaction to the whole thing made it all that much better.

Basically, nobody seemed to get it. At one point, he was yelling at another guest, Will Ferrell. I think to most of the people there, it was just really awkward and they were left wondering what the hell was going on.

The best part is, they never mentioned that this was all to promote a movie that came out two years ago.

No, actually, the best part is this discussion of the appearance that I found when I was looking for the video.

I don’t know, I’ve forgotten what my point is. My point is, this movie is funny and you should go watch it. Sometimes comedy doesn’t have to be laid out in front of you and spoon fed.

Yes, that was my point!

Also, I am an elitist who likes to feel better about himself by putting other people down.

Jerktastic Park!


I’m still in Florida for a few more days. I promise to write more when I get back to LA.

I’m watching Jurassic Park right now. I never saw it when it was in theaters, but I’ve seen it on dvd (and probably vhs) a bunch of times since then.

A few thoughts:

It’s the 15th anniversary. Can you believe it?

I remember when it came out and everybody was saying how amazing the dinosaurs looked. They always seemed fake to me. I think they were probably animated to look better on the big screen.

I’ve noticed that a lot of the time, when you see stuff in the theater, it blows you away and then when it’s on your TV, it looks kinda shitty. Which seems counter-intuitive to me. I mean, shouldn’t it seem blurrier and stuff on a bigger screen?

Secondly, they keep playing the commercial for “Songs of Worship” while the movie is playing. It’s a CD of contemporary Christian rock songs. Odd, considering most of “those types” don’t even believe in dinosaurs, since they’re not mentioned in the Bible, right? Zing!

Finally, I feel this movie is in need of a makeover, ala the original Star Wars trilogy, or E.T. If this movie is going to stay relevant, they need to take out the CG dinosaurs and replace them with walkie-talkies. And insert Hayden Christensen’s head over Sam Neill’s. Then you’d have a movie!

Ho Ho Hope you’re packing a parachute, Tubbs


What was created as a cute way for children all over the world to track Santa’s progress has presented me with a great opportunity to settle a score.

You must have thought it was pretty funny back in 1984 when all I wanted was a Nintendo Entertainment System and you shafted me.

I woke up that Christmas morning and ran down the stairs, grabbed the big box under the tree, ripped off the gift wrapping and tore open the Nintendo box only to get covered in goo as 120 surplus aborted fetuses slopped out all over my lap.

Yeah. Hilarious, asshole.

My parents were so shocked, all they could do was laugh and laugh and laugh. Such was their horror! I still remember my poor mother’s laughter, I know it haunts her as much as it does me.

Well, to quote some 80’s action movie I can’t remember right now, “Payback’s a bitch!”

I’ve been patient, plotting your demise every day since then. I knew I couldn’t just go and ask you outright for an RPG-29 Vampir, lest you catch on to what I was up to.

For the last 23 years, I’ve asked you for seemingly random mechanical parts. Of which you and your clueless ass have been all too willing to oblige. Some nuts and bolts here, an aluminum tube there. Together with some household chemicals, industrial grade fertilizer and many nights spent in the public library learning about thermobaric rounds and centrifugal timing devices, I’ve made my own and you’re none the wiser.

Well, tonight all my hard work is going to pay off.

Thanks to the work of the good folks at NORAD, you’ve lost the last shred of hope for your survival: the element of surprise.

I know exactly where you are, I know exactly when you’ll be here. I’ve got your location, trajectory and velocity.

You, my friend, are going down.

When all this is over, I’m going to go spit on your grave wearing a coat made out of 8 (formerly) flying reindeer.

This will hopefully close the book on a painful chapter of my life and allow me and my parents to go on. You know how awful it is to listen to your parent’s hysterical laughter every Christmas, while they point at you and call you a dumbass? Do you know how hard that must be for them?

You have torn the soul of my family apart. With your death comes our only hope of being whole again.

See you at 3:37 am, EST, jackass.

Take my advice!


This is a new feature where people will ask for my advice and I will give it to them. It can be about anything. I do this on my friend David Lawrence’s radio show every once in a while, but that’s mostly a test of my improv skills where I make shit up. This is actually stuff I know a lot about and can help you with. So if you need advice, just ask me and then I will help you. Like this girl:

From: Becky

Date: Nov 27, 2007 9:45 PM

find me a guy

Date: Nov 28, 2007 10:32 AM

Dear Becky,

I’ve been thinking alot about this. You need to improve your image. Go to a nudist camp. That way, when you meet a guy, you can say, “I just got back from a nudist camp”. This will start them thinking about you naked and add to your allure. Also, the same goes with lesbians. Even if you don’t like it. You know what you should do? You should try and hook up with a chick in the dressing room at Victoria’s Secret. Seriously. Then you can tell a guy about it and he will propose marriage right there. Like you were trying on bras or something and the saleslady will come in and help you and you just start kissing. Trust me, I know you think I’m kidding, but this will work. It will create a buzz about you that guys like. Like some guy will say, “Oh yeah, that girl Becky, she seems nice” and the other guy will go, “Nice? Are you kidding? That bitch is crazy! She hooked up with some chick in the Victoria’s Secret dressing room!” Then those guys will get a boner and want to have sex with you. Problem solved!

Yoda: I want to kick it with that dude


You know, I was re-watching my favorite Star Wars movie, “Attack of the Clones” when it occurred to me that I wish Yoda was my bro and we could hang out and shit.

I know Old Yoda is totally lame and all like, “ooh look, I’m old and I tell dumb jokes and act like a douchebag”, but Young Yoda is hella cool.

Not just cuz he can kick ass with a light saber and do flips and shit like that, but because he has something that many dudes today lack: restraint.

Here’s the deal: you know how you have that friend, he’s usually named Bonesy or Jonesy or something like that? He’s a really cool guy and he’s hella fun to hang out with.

The problem is, that’s the last dude on earth that bitches want to be around. He’s all fat and he never changes his shirt and he’s always talking about his DUIs and date rape convictions, so when you get a girlfriend and you’re like, “Hey, Bonesy is coming over tonight and we’re gonna pound some brews,” chicks are always like, “no way, he’s not coming over here and getting drunk and throwing up on my cat and ‘accidentally’ touching my boobs again!”

That’s why Yoda is so awesome. He’s so fucking awesome I can’t even believe it!

He’s like way awesome, trust me.

You know why? Cuz he can party just as hard as Bonesy, but he doesn’t swear in front of your girlfriend and when you get back from the strip club, he doesn’t tell her what really went on, he’ll totally downplay the whole thing and be like, “Oh it was so boring, I feel sorry for those poor girls, the whole thing is really demeaning.”

Another cool thing about Yoda is, he’s like all non-threatening and stuff. So chicks are like, “Oh, who’s your friend? He’s really cute!” But not in a way where they want to bang him, cuz he’s old and his weiner is probably all shriveled up like that hotdog my brother stuck under the couch six years ago.

But cuz you’re hanging out with him, the chicks find you more attractive. It’s like bringing a cute little puppy to the park.

The best thing about Yoda is, though, he can use the Force. So if none of this works, he can just use his mind powers to make girls’ tops come off or shut your goddam girlfriend’s mouth when she’s bitching about you not taking out the trash or whatever.

I’ll take out the trash, alright. And you’ll be in it.

Hey, just kidding.

But seriously, Yoda is totally cool and if that dude is real and just like science hasn’t invented him yet or something, I am gonna hang out with him. Like a bunch, I don’t care what Lindsay says, I’m not going to that stupid birthday party. I’m not even friends with that girl.