bits

I’m the new lead singer of Alice in Chains!

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I know, can you believe it? I’m as surprised as you are.

What’s especially wierd is that I didn’t apply for the job, there was no audition process and nobody informed that I have gotten the position.

Also, I’m not a singer.

So, really, in this situation, what is there left for me to assume other than that I am the new lead singer of the 90’s rock band, Alice in Chains?

Plus, look at that picture.

Apology accepted. That was your free one. If you ever accuse me of lying again, that’s it.

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Forrest Gump is not an intelligent man!

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I know this was a popular film, but on closer inspection, this guy doesn’t seem very smart at all!

I’ve gotten in trouble in the past for just throwing out crazy accusations at people without using facts to back them up, so this time, I am prepared. For example:

  1. When he met President Lyndon Johnson, the president rhetorically asked to see his wound sometime. Well, seeing as Forrest’s wound was on his ass and they were at an important award ceremony or something, why the hell would you take that literally and pull down your pants and moon the president? What a buffoon!
  2. There was also that time Forrest was playing football, he would start running and then keep running – right through the stadium wall! Hey Jabroney, I’m all for physical comedy, but have some respect for personal property!
  3. When Forrest meets his son, that kid from the Sixth Sense, Jenny is all like, “Hey Forrest, this is Forrest, he’s named after his dad.” Instead of taking the fucking hint, this putz thinks that Jenny must have had sex with some other guy named Forrest! Yeah, like that’s a really common name! Sheesh!
  4. Stupid is as stupid does – What the hell does that even mean?
  5. Forrest keeps calling Lieutenant Dan “Lieutenant Dan” even after they’re not in the army anymore. Just call him Dan! You guys have known each for a really long time, there’s no need to be so formal, you stupid goofball!
  6. When they integrated his school and all the racists were protesting, my friend Kirk told Forrest that they were letting “Coons” into the school. Of course, Albert Eintstein takes this to mean “raccoons”. Haha. Real funny. Hey asshole, why don’t you learn something about the world that’s going on around you and stop turning a blind eye to racial injustice?
  7. Who the hell would sit there and listen to a guy just list different kinds of shrimp, over and over, for days at a time? Even if you’re stuck on a bus for hours and hours and you just made a new friend and want to be polite, this is still really stupid. Just be like, “Hey Bubba, that’s great, let’s talk about something else!” Jeepers creepers, this really steams me!
  8. Hey, I like Ping Pong just as much as the next guy, but the part where he says, “I’m famouser than even Captain Kangaroo” makes me see red. You should be pissed off too, as someone who speaks English. It’s “even more famous!” Learn the fucking language you moron!
  9. If your girlfriend is a stripper and she’s blocking the patrons from seeing her bush and stuff with a guitar and the patrons get mad and start grabbing at her, you don’t go and beat them up! They paid to see naked lady parts, not singing. Imagine you’re just trying to have a good time and some gorilla starts whaling on you! Am I wrong? Is that not really rude at the least? Holy smokes, someone needs to stop this maniac!
  10. This last one I will only refer to as “the bus thing.” After watching this goon make an ass out of himself for two hours, we learn that the whole movie has been a huge waste of time! He’s been waiting for a bus and he only had to walk like a thousand feet, the whole time! I know that sounds like a lot, but this is the guy who ran across the country on like four different occasions. Even if he’s tired of running, why would he take a bus and not get a cab?? He’s a goddam millionaire! He owns a shrimp company, for chrissake! Now you’re stupid and cheap???

Well, I think I have proven that Forrest Gump is not a smart person. I’m not one to call people names, but I get so steamed when I think about all the intelligent people they could have made a movie about instead of him. What about Abraham Lincoln? He’s a smart guy and you never see a movie about him. Make a movie about him for a change!

That’s the problem with this country, there are all sorts of smart people out there but nobody cares becuase they’re not drinking and driving or trying to pick out a girlfriend from 30 whores my roommate picked up at the bus station.

I think this is why nobody came to my house for Thanksgiving this year 😦

South Park: The Restaurant!

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If I was a millionaire, I would make a restaurant based on my favorite TV show: South Park!

I know, you can’t believe nobody’s thought of this yet, right? But I checked! They haven’t!

South Park: The Restaurant would look like any other restaurant, except the outside would be decorated with characters from South Park. There would be a big sign with Cartman, or maybe Chef and he would greet everyone with a smile.

South Park is a very popular show and I believe that fans of the show would come from across the country to dine in a South Park-themed atmosphere.

Think “TGI Friday’s meets South Park.”

And that is where they would be sorely disappointed.

South Park: The Restaurant would look exactly like a regular restaurant inside.

People would expect “Macaroni and Cheesy Poofs” and “Mecha Streisand Meatballs.”

They would go to the bathroom hoping to wipe their hands on towels that look like Towelie, but NOPE!

I can just see them now, sitting there, drinking their regular, non-fun sodas, expecting a waiter dressed like Timmy to pop out and spill a bread bowl full of chili all over their pants.

Sorry!

Just decent food, great service and reasonable prices. Nothing fancy.

They will leave disheartened and hopefully tell their friends. Word will spread and my restaurant will be a huge failure and I will be free to dine by myself, because I hate crowded restaurants.

My heros – don’t let their memory die

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I have to type this really fast. I fear the governmetn might be coming to get me because what i am bout to tell you is so fucking weird and fucked up, if it’s true, they will probably send a cia deathsquad to kill me or something.

Basically, I found the space shuttle in my backyard.

Yes, that’s right. It get sworse.

I believe it to be the Space Shuttle Columbia. Te same one that “blew up” like six years ago or whatever.

If you look at the picture, the deatails are all the same. It’s remarkable. Itcan’t be a forgery just because it looks so perfectly real and proportioned at the regular spaceh shuttle.

OH shit.

OK, false alram. Someon ewas at my door but it was just UPS.

Anwayy, my theory is that the space shuttle never “blew up”, it was shot with a shrinking ray so that people would just THINK it blew up.

Think about it: nobody ever actually saw it blow up. Where did all thepieces go? They just disappeared? BULLSHIT.

The space shuttle was shot with a high-tech beam of energy which excited the proton molecules of the fiberglass, heating them and instantaneously cooling them down at the same time so that they expanded and then immediately shrunk to 143rd their original scale.

Thnk it over. It makes perfect sense.

President Bush used the tragedy of the space shuttle and all its occuptants dying to justify the war in Iraq. He lied to us. He told us that Sadam Hussein was repsonsbile but we can see now that it’s all bullshit. This is an unjust war fought for bullshti reasons.

The worst part is, I believe that the plan went horribly awry. The crwe of the space shuttle was supposed to fly back to earth unharmed. They would now be “invisble” for all intents and purposts. They would then be enlarged back to normal, given new identites and blend in with society.

The problem is, I think the space shuttle went way off course if it landed in my back yard! I bet the eocmmunications and stuff got all fucked up in the crash and whatnot and they were unable to communicate. I theorize that theyeither starved to death or out of desperation tried to use their dehydrated food and when it blew up to like a million times its originl size, they all got crushed.

Imagine that. A fate worse than death. Smooshed up against the side of a space shuttle until your brains pop like a balloon or something. Awful.

Our nations heros (of which I am now one) deserve better than this. If this blog gets shut down and I suddenly have an “accident” you people will know the truth now. Spread the word. Don’t let our deaths happen for nothing.

Hi, my name is Pricknuts!

OK, I can *kinda* understand that you don’t want someone dinging the doors on your $67,000 Mercedes, but if you’re gonna be an asshole and park in two spots, do it in the back of the lot or on the side. Not in the front – by the handicapped spot.

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In case you can’t tell, that truck which is parked in the actual handicapped spot had to move way over because of this guy.

And yes, I know my camera sucks.

I’m ok!

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Well, I have 3rd degree burns on 97.8% of my body, but the doctors think I’m gonna pull through.

Apparently though, I will be “that guy who always looks like he’s got a tan”.

Thank you so much to everyone who visited me in the hospital. Your thoughts and prayers really helped me pull through this difficult period of my life.

I am currently shopping around for lawyers to represent me in my lawsuit against the City of Los Angeles Fire Department for hurting my feelings. Their insensitivity to my hotdog-like appearance has caused irreparable damage to my well-being. If you have a good lawyer (a real slimy shark), let me know.

Mahala,

Steve Bennett

It burns! It burns!

Alot of people have been calling me out of concern over this fire up here in the Hollywood Hills.

Let me state, for the record, that I am fine.

I can see it out my window, but I have been assured that it is of no threat to the Hollywood Phony Offices, located in the “H” portion of the Hollywood Sign.

Here are some pictures I took on my way to work.

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This is outside my home, you can’t really see how brown that cloud actually looked. My camera sucks.

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This is a shot from the bridge over the Los Angeles River on Vineland Ave.

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Here is a zoom of the mountain. You can see the brown smoke which basically blanketed the whole sky for a while.

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This was taken a little later, on the opposite side of the street.

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When I shot the first two pictures, there was about 20-25 people taking pictures with all sorts of crazy cameras. Like an idiot, I didn’t get a shot of that.

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Here is a zoom of the same scene. The smoke is much whiter, as I guess they are pouring a lot of water on it.

So that’s it. Crisis averted. I’m actually kinda sick of the media making a big deal about this sort of thing. They portray anything of this sort as if the whole city is gonna burn down, which it clearly isn’t. I mean, the truth is–

OK, just got an update. The wind has changed direction and now the fire is just approaching the letter “Y” and they want us to evacuate. I’m signing off, I gotta run.

OK, I’m back. We can’t leave because the flames are outside the front door. It’s getting really hot in here. I’m gonna douse my clothes in water.

I’m really getting nervous here. It’s very hot inside. I just want all my relatives to know that if I don’t get out of here, I am sorry for all the awful things I’ve said, all the lies I’ve spread about them and most of all, I am sorry to my father for accusing him of child molestation. I made that whole story up to get attention and while it definitely worked, I now regret it.

Papa, I am sorry.

It’s so hot in here. I am sweating my ass off. My clothes, which were soaked through, are now bone dry, save for the beads of sweat dripping from my new mohawk haircut.

Shit, I didn’t even get a chance to take a picture of my new ‘do! And now my camera is melting. I just burned my fucking hand on it! OK NOW THE SCREEN IS MELTED AND I CAN’T SEE WHAT I’M TYPING SO MAYBE THIS WILL LOOK SLIKE SHIT BUT I CAN’T HELP IT. OK, I AM GONNA MAKE A RUN FOR IT. WISH MY E LUCK, I LOVE YOU ALL.

I’m sorry – I was in jail

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Sorry I haven’t written anything in a while.

There was “an incident”.

I wasn’t going to talk about it, but what’s the point of having a blog if you only share the positive aspects of your life?

I got arrested. It was stupid.

Basically, I bet my friend that I could get hooked on heroin and then quit cold turkey and nothing would happen. The good news is: I won the bet. The bad news is: I won by lying to my friend and telling him nothing happened.

The details are fuzzy, but within about a six hour span, I lost my job, got divorced, joined the Navy, was then honorably discharged from the Air Force (for some reason) and woke up in an alley, surrounded by crushed-in, metal garbage cans.

Apparently, I was crying and saying something about how I killed R2D2.

So that’s it. No big deal. I’m sorry, can we just drop it? I guess you’ve never made an honest mistake. Well, we’re not all perfect like you, Shakespeare.

I go "highbrow"

Here is a submission I made to the web humour magazine, McSweeney’s. Yes, the ‘u’ is correct, it’s that kind of humor.

Consider this more of a “fuck you” to the idea that “intelligent” comedy is better than “funny” comedy, rather than a legitimate attempt at getting published.

Things to do to save time while taking a dump:

  • Chat with Grammy
  • Brush your teeth
  • Arrange flowers
  • Urinate
  • Eat an ice cream cone
  • Play with Legos
  • Mix-up meat for tacos

Friday Mailbag: A letter from this guy!

Dear Hollywoodphony,

Thank you for your interest in my video. Yes, I used to engage in the homosexual lifestyle, how did you ever know? That’s so weird. Anyways, the good news is, I can assure you that I am 100% cured!

For years, there was nothing I craved more than a sweet, delicious weiner in my mouth. Or three! LOL! I would cruise the streets all day, looking for other dudes to mess around with. Sometimes I would have sex with six or seven guys a day. Sexy, sexy guys. Occasionally, even black guys! Often, they would stick their weiners in my butt, but sometimes I would stick my weiner in their butts. I wasn’t one of those uppity gays who only likes it one way.

Luckily for me, that is all over now and I don’t miss it one bit. I understand that people can be skeptical, but I have never been so happy in my whole life! Now that I have the Lord, all I do is smile all day long! Watch my video! Look at how happy I am! Happy, happy, happy!

The best part is, I don’t crave delicious weiners in my mouth and butt anymore! Not one bit! Not while I’m at the gym, watching some sexy dudes in the shower, not even when I accidentally type in the wrong thing and mistakenly end up on a gay porn website for six or seven hours.

Believe me, back when I was a sinner, I thought I was happy, but I wasn’t! I would go around smiling all day, sucking on weiners, buying pink shirts, trimming my moustache (well I still do those last three! I mean two! Two!), but really I was living a lie. A big, fat, super fun lie!

When my parents kidnapped me, right in the middle of my ultimate frisbee game, I was so steamed! I thought, “who are they to come here, grab me and throw me in the back of a van, tearing my new bike shorts?”

But sixteen weeks of intensive psychological “therapy” later, I was cured and now I thank my parents for what they did! Because I’m happy, happy, happy!

I see now that being gay is a choice. A choice to not fight who you are and instead be fine with ticking off Jesus! I used to think Jesus was all about love and forgiveness, but now I see he is actually a pretty angry guy who shoots lasers out of his eyes and kills US soldiers in Iraq to punish people like me for being born a certain way.

In summation, I want to thank you again for your letter and request that you send me a full-body naked picture of yourself (erect, please) so that I know you are not gay. Trust me, this is standard practice for people who send emails to each other.

May the Lord be with you,

That guy from the video