bits

I got my iPad!!!

So everyone’s talking about this iPad thing. Apparently, it’s the “must have” electronic gizmo of the season.

I didn’t really see what the big deal was, but I’m a journalist, so I felt like I owed it to you, my readers, to give you the scoop.

I'm a sexy Asian lady!

Well, let me tell you right now, it was not easy to track one of these down! It’s almost like they’re not even out yet, or something.

Luckily, I was able to find one online. And at a bargain basement price, too! Just $450! (Well, plus another hundred for shipping).

I’ve only just now gotten it out of the box, but let me tell you, it easily lives up to the hype! I can play solitaire AND hearts – on the go! I can even play when I’m driving!

One of my favorite features of the iPad is how small it is. It can easily slip right into your pocket.

It’s also got a calculator which is great for figuring out tips.

So, in summation, the iPad is great. The future is now. Get one!

[Ed. Note: I know it says “iPaq” on my iPad, but I have been assured by the seller that it is just a typo on the part of the manufacturer.]


April Fool’s!!!

Instead of doing the same post I accidentally do each year, see here for an example, I decided this year I would do something entirely original!

So I wrote this note, folded it and then dropped it into the landlord’s box he has in the lobby for our rent checks!

Hilarious, right?

Well, when I told Lindsay about it, she didn’t think it was so hilarious. Here were her arguments, you can decide for yourself who was right:

  • It’s not a real “April Fool’s Joke” or even a “joke” at all, if you say that you’re not going to pay the rent and then, in fact, you don’t pay the rent. Which I didn’t, because I’m a little short right now. My thinking was that this hilarious joke might take the landlord’s mind off of the fact that we had stiffed him.
  • Everybody knows that our landlord is an alcoholic. He’s admitted as much. He’s trying to beat his addictions, but it hasn’t been easy for him. For me to say that he “reeks of gin” is a low-blow.
  • Ditto the feces thing. He has a weird condition where he actually “poops” out of his sweat glands. It’s gross, but he’s a nice guy and for me to bring that up is fucked up.
  • If I’m going to say such awful things about someone, why would I sign my real name? My argument to this was that he’d figure it out anyway, by simple deduction: whomever didn’t pay their rent was the perpetrator. So why not just get it over with? Plus, if he thought it was really funny, I wanted to take credit for it. She informed me that there were probably a lot of people in the building who hadn’t paid rent on time, because most of the people on Section 8 are deadbeats like us.

Whether she’s right or not, I figured I’d be a nice guy and go fish it out of the box, which I ended up having to smash to pieces. It made quite a ruckus. In my panic, I grabbed some of the other tenants’ rent checks, figuring that we could cash a few and then have the dough to pay our rent AND get that flatscreen we’ve been wanting. But of course, Ma Barker wasn’t down with that so we flushed them down the toilet since the cops are now investigating the whole incident as ‘grand larceny’.

Here’s to hoping the police don’t read my blog!

Skizzleplex – Crumbs “B” Gone!

[This is an excerpt from the latest issue of my comedy newsletter, Skizzleplex – enjoy!]

Crumbs “B” Gone!

A highly toxic spray that makes your shirt 20% more resistant to crumbs. With cracker season just around the corner, can you afford NOT to buy this??

$59.99 per 3 oz. Bottle

For outdoor use ONLY

Not for use on:

  • People
  • Shirts
  • Crumbs

Fun for the whole family!

(not for use on families)

My offer to Conan O’Brien

Mr. O’Brien,

Much has been said about your current situation with NBC. Along with this comes speculation about what you will do next.

I have seen it estimated that even if you do sign a deal with a rival network, it will take anywhere from a year to 18 months before you are back on the air.

In TV Land, that’s a very long time and the public can be fickle. Right now it’s dangerous for you to laze about in your gold-plated mansion or one of your many luxurious yachts, frittering away the collected goodwill of the nation.

You have received many offers from various corners of the entertainment world, you even have a contest where your fans can vote on which one you should accept.

Let’s be honest. Most of these are silly. People making joke offers.

You’re a comedy writer. You should be writing comedy. Not acting in a pornographic film.

So here’s a legitimate offer: write for the most pro-active, paradigmatic newsletter the world has ever seen: Skizzleplex.

Now, I know you’re used to being treated like a big cheese, but you won’t get any special treatment here. I’m giving you the same deal I give my friends. Write a comedy piece, it can be about anything. I’ll run it. Depending on how it turns out, maybe you can do another one. The possibilities are limitless.

I think this could be the thing that gets your career back on track, I really do.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Eric Filipkowski

Why won’t you buy this for me, Mom?

macbook pro

Well, in case you’re wondering why I never post anymore, here is the answer:

My mom won’t buy me a new computer.

Oh sure, some might say, “There’s nothing wrong with your 24″ iMac that you bought a year ago, just use that!”

Yeah right. Hey assholes, why buy new toilet paper? You just bought some last month, use that.

What’s that? Nobody wants to re-use dirty toilet paper? That’s right, because it’s garbage. Just like any computer that was made in 2008.

So buy me a new one. You’re rich. You owe me. I’m like the best son ever.

Remember February 2007? That’s right. I sent you a card for your birthday.

Now it’s payback time.

http://store.apple.com/us/configure/MC118LL/A?mco=NjcxMTU2OQ

See how generous I am? I’m not even asking for the most expensive one.

I can’t type on this thing. The screen is too big. Plus, my back hurts from carrying around the car battery I use to power it on the go. I have Marfan Syndrome! I shouldn’t be doing that!

C’mon! I deserve it!

Fine. Be that way. But you’re the reason I’m not a successful writer. It’s all your fault.

Everybody knows that real writers have laptops. That way they can use them in coffee shops or the library.

Me? No laptop. Hence, I’m not a real writer. Simple enough, no?

I hate you! I wish I was dead!

Did that do it? No? Oh well, I tried.

It’s the thought. That counts?

baby eric and linds

You know that old expression? Well, it really is true.

But only with people who are old. Like your parents.

And you can use this to your advantage to get ahead in life.

Say Dear Ol’ Dad’s birthday is coming up and you forgot to get him a present. Or maybe you are poor. Or maybe you think Christmas this year was pretty skimpy and you figure it’s time for some payback? Hey, I’m not gonna judge!

Using the above fact about old people, you can manipulate the situation to your advantage.

What you’re going to do here is get the credit for buying a present, without really buying a present.

In the past, I’ve talked about making your own phony charitable cause donation cards; where you tell someone you’ve given money in their name. This is a similar scam, but requires a lot of work and a printer or stealing a printer or tricking Kinko’s into “re-printing” something they never printed in the first place because it “came out wrong”.

The genius of this new plan is that it’s so easy. All it requires is some good acting on your part.

Let’s use the example of Mother’s Day.

The day before, you call up your mom. In preparation, get yourself in a good mood by watching some videos where little kids fall down and get hurt, so that you’re actually laughing when she picks up the phone.

“What’s so funny?” she’ll ask.

Tell her that she’s never going to believe what a knucklehead her son is. Your story is that you went and ordered her a beautiful bouquet of flowers, weeks ago, but you’re such a yutz, you accidentally sent them to your billing address, not her mailing address!

Psychologically, your mother is going to get the same thrill as if she had gotten some real flowers, because, again, it’s the thought that counts! She’ll laugh along with you, tell you how sweet you are for thinking of her and try to console you, because she’s going to know that even though you’re laughing about it, you’re probably more than a little disappointed that you blew all that money on a present for her and she didn’t even get it.

Once all the laughter and praise dies down, explain to her that you’re going to send her out the same exact flowers right away. “Oh no,” she’ll protest, “Don’t do that! I don’t need any fancy flowers. I’ve got the best son in the world, that’s the only present I want!”

At this point, you can throw in some idle threats about the flower company and their confusing website and the angry letter they’re going to get from you, believe me! But that’s not really necessary.

The key is to stay cool. Mom’s not gonna call your bluff, but what if she asks for a picture? “Oh yes, of course. I just dropped my camera and broke it, but I’ll borrow one from my friend, for you. After all, it’s Mother’s Day, it’s the least that I could do!”

Then, just never follow through! She’s old! She’ll forget!

Here’s the thing: flowers are a shitty, overpriced gift. Did you know that they just grow, by themselves, out in nature and the woods and shit? No lie!

So here’s something that is basically free that some asshole takes and puts in a vase and now wants to charge you money for? What a scam!

Don’t even get me started on how they jack up the prices on certain holidays!

So do Mom and indeed, the whole country, a favor and don’t give in to this racket.

Happy Mother’s Day!

[note: to my own mother, the above, OF COURSE does not apply to your flowers, which really did get lost in the mail.]

I can predict the future!

paris_hilton_photographer_upskirt

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUfDUvhBC3c#t=7m00s

Look how timely I am! I made a joke about cell phone cameras and now it’s come true!

[I was going to put a direct link up to only the relevant joke, but apparently WordPress won’t let me do that. So click the link above and enjoy some stand up comedy I did a few years ago!]

The article: http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2009/01/congress-gets-bill-to-make-cell-phone-cameras-go-click.ars

It’s Sharktastic!

shark-shirt1

This is a shirt I bought in the Los Angeles International Airport on a return trip from somewhere.

You see, I saw it in the store and debated buying it, but then chickened out.

On my way home, I thought to myself, “You know, how many times do you get a second chance in life, like this?” So I bought it.

This is the kind of shirt I wish I had 20 of.

Not that it fits that well. It’s a little short and tends to ride up on me.

It’s just rare to find a shirt that so perfectly sums up your whole philosophy of life, like that.

I mean, not only is it a shark wearing a Hawaiian shirt who is from Los Angeles (just like me!), it’s a shark wearing a Hawaiian shirt who is from Los Angeles who has sunglasses on!

I mean, how often do you come across a shirt like that? That’s my thing! I always wear sunglasses! So perfect.

Anyway, the surfer part isn’t so much like me, but hey, 4 out of 5 isn’t bad, as far as shirts go.

So I really wish I had 20 of these, because I am sure that they will soon sell out and never be printed again, because everything about it screams “limited edition”.

Apple Computer Company Unveils New Product!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Have you heard about this?

Apparently, Apple Computer Company has released some sort of handheld “smart phone” apparatus that they claim will revolutionize the industry.

Dubbed the “i-phone”, they say it combines the features of a cordless phone, a miniaturized computing implement and a music player, all into one.

Far be it for me to scoff at such a claim, but let’s just leave it at the old axiom of “seeing is believing.”

Since I don’t see it anywhere, I don’t believe it.

I guess that Apple has decided the low-key approach is the best, from a marketing standpoint, as I have yet to find any mention of this in the media.

The most far-fetched part of this whole thing is that they think anybody would be willing to pay almost TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS for such a device!

Um, hello? For a phone???

Earth to cuckoo Apple people: prepare to fail BIG TIME.

Excuse me if I don’t rush out to my local eBay re-seller with my StarTac in hand. Better yet, why don’t I stay home, tape a calculator and a Walk Man to it and call it a day? There ya go, I just saved 200 bucks.

Brilliant Disguise

When someone asks me, as a heralded student of music, what my favorite Bruce Springsteen song is, I always answer the same thing: “Atlantic City.”

I had an idea for a music video for it where the Best Buy Idea Box has been fired from his job and he’s walking home through the gritty streets of Burbank, knowing he has to tell his expectant wife that her husband no longer has a paycheck to bring home.

The 2nd video in the trilogy would be for “Brilliant Disguise.” Idea Box now has a 4 year old son and he’s moved on in the corporate world, but his marriage has never quite recovered. On the surface, it seems like the picture-perfect Sunday afternoon outing in the park, but below the sheen of normalcy, Idea Box and his wife are slowly dying inside.

The 3rd… well, I’m not sure I’m ready to share that one, yet.