I know I promised to stay away from controversy, but I just feel something has to be said. Vanilla Ice is a mean person. I get that he is angry about people always making fun of him, but that is no excuse to be a turd burglar! If people are mean to you and you are mean to them in return, what does that accomplish? I know the Bible says, “Do unto others as you would have done to you” or something like that, but I think what that means is if you want people to be nice to you, you should be nice to them. I think what Vanilla Ice is thinking that means (being a good Christian, which I can only assume he is) is that if people are dicks to you, you should be a dick to them. Perhaps, Vanilla Ice is just confused on this point. That is probably it. Now I feel bad. 😦 I should take my own advice! Instead of going around, calling poor Vanilla Ice a jerk, I should pick a more constructive way to give him positive feedback. They should put something in the Bible about that! Boy, they really dropped the ball on that one! Shit. There I go again. 😦
“Osama bin Laden, mastermind behind 9/11 and countless other acts of terror is dead. Truly, this is a day that all of America has been waiting for. But as usual, the LIBERAL MEDIA is rushing in to tarnish what should be a day of celebration, with their socialist propaganda agenda. Obama this, Obama that. All hail Obama! Not a word about George Bush? Really? The New York Times would have you think that 9/11 happened, then nothing for 10 years until our Savior, Barack Obama, swooped in to save the day. This, of course, is ridiculous! Once again, the Democrats have stood on the shoulders of giants, to reach grandma’s proverbial cookie jar full of condoms, on the top shelf. This triumphant day could not have come without all the hard work George W. Bush put in over the last decade convincing Osama bin Laden that we had given up looking for him, altogether. This guy is wily! He he could have hidden in those caves for another hundred years. All the bombs in the world wouldn’t have been able to snake him out and George Bush was the only one smart enough realize this. The true credit behind the killing of this truly evil genius belongs to one person alone. The person who was willing to send the resources of the entire U.S. Army to Iraq, a country that so obviously had no ties to Al Qaeda or any of the international terrorist community. The person who was willing to make a fool of himself, by holding a big ceremony on a aircraft carrier with a banner that famously read, mission accomplished!”, Just to convince this monster that we had forgotten about him. That person is George W. Bush and he is my hero and I am not going to forget the sacrifice he made in the name of national security.”
I hate to give this dipshit any more views, so if you know this video, there’s no need to click on it. But I just wanted to say that what this idiot doesn’t get and that none of the people who share his sentiment don’t get is that we have never forgotten. Frankly, it is a supremely insulting sentiment to think that we have. This abomination of a song rings false on so many levels, it is hard to decide which part of it is the most personally insulting of all. If it was me, I would have to go with the fact that this guy is manufacturing a make-believe controversy to respond to, in order to profit off of the tragedy of 9/11. But if you want to say it’s because he lumps in 50% of the country as not being “true Americans”, just because they disagree with a war that had nothing to do with terrorism, until it was started, that’s fine too. And, what the hell, if you just aren’t a fan of songs that tell you not to get preachy and then proceeded to do just that for the next 3 min., that is cool with me. I don’t know who the hell this guy is and I like it that way. I feel guilty that I might have inadvertently raised awareness of this truly colossal abomination of a song. I just want to say that you are a bad person and I hope you have remorse for making this song. But I’m guessing you don’t, because it probably made you a rich man.
people always ask me, why I’m out there doing shows 300 nights a year, busting my as, giving it my all, 110 fucking percent of the time.
No matter what I tell them, they walk away thinking I’m crazy to do what I do. Sure, I could stay home in my fabulous mansion, overlooking the ocean. Maybe go into the studio and churn out a few hits, sit back and let the royalties roll in. But I don’t. I think this video can explain why better than I ever could.
“Trust me,” slappy said, “things are finally going to change. This is it, this is our big break!”
“Hells yeah, baby fights! Motherfucker, trust me. Will you just trust me?”
“I don’t know, this sounds kind of illegal. Two babies, in a ring, beating each other’s brains out?” I asked.
“Two babies?? What the fuck do you mean, two babies?”
“Now I’m really confused. Isn’t that what a baby fight is?”
“Hell no! Two babies? Nobody’sgonna pay $16.50 to watch two babies roll around on the floor, drooling all over the place and shitting their pants. What the fuck are you, stupid?”
“I don’t get it, if it’s not two babies in a fight, what is it?”
What it was, explained Slappy, was one baby in a fight with me, a 34-year-old man, dressed up in a baby suit.
Now, I’ve had plenty of experience humiliating myself, but this was a new low.
I didn’t know if I could do it. I told Slappy I would have to sleep on it.
I tossed and turned all night. I dug deep and really looked into my soul and asked myself if I could really hurt another human being. And that’s not even considering that the human being in question would be a helpless, little baby.
I really had to take stock of myself and come to a conclusion about what sort of man I really was.
In the end, I concluded I wasn’t the type of man who could just throw his morals out the window and beat the crap out of an adorable, little infant for a measly $600.
However, I was the kind of man who could throw his morals out the window and beat the crap out of an adorable, little infant for $2000 in TGI Friday’s gift certificates.
Alas, all this soul-searching and emotional torture, was for naught.
Although I blamed the constricting baby costume and specifically, the mask that impede my vision impeded my peripheral vision, that was just macho posturing in a vain attempt to save face.
The baby kicked my ass. Plain and simple. I can explain it
, I have no idea how he did it, but the cold, hard truth is, the baby kicked my ass.
Careerwise, it was a good move. Not only did I avoid a charge of attempted murder or worse, it couldn’t have been any better for sales of the Baby Fights DVDs and related merchandise.
And in the end, isn’t that the greatest lesson of all?
Smell you later forever!
This week, the dog world lost a special guy: Lucky, the three-legged dog.
He will definitely be missed.
God only knows what happened to his leg. I met Lucky when my roommate, Bordo adopted him off the streets of LA, just minutes from being put down. Lucky went on to star as the only talented member of the TV show, the Surreal Life.
Lucky went on to star in many other productions.
If you want to learn more about Lucky, you can watch this video or read this story.
We will miss you, pal. I wish I got to take you to the dog park one last time, but you probably would have run away anyway.
Check out this spooky Halloween video I am in with Josh Simpson and Scott Rodgers. It’s a 4 part series, so make sure to check back and see how it all ends! Please pass it on and don’t forget to vote “funny” because if you don’t, that makes you a freeloading liar and a terrorist. Look, I’m sorry things got so heated. I said some things, you said somethings, but ultimately, I feel our friendship is stronger for it.
Plus, I’m wearing overalls.
As you can probably tell from the title, we’re trying to shift the focus away from the sophomoric humor of the past issues and go in a new, sophisticated direction.
Think McSweeney’s or the New Yorker. Stuff like that.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it and as always, feel free to print it out, distribute it, sell it, throw it out of an airplane or off a tall building, whatever!
If you don’t know what this is and would like more information, send me an email at skizzleplex (at) yahoo (dot) com and I will send you the latest issue.
If you’re looking for back copies, you can go to archive.skizzleplex.com and download them all in .pdf format for free! What a bargain!
In case you’re out of the loop, your ol’ pal Hollywood Phony was back in the hospital. I’m out now, but maybe not for long! ROFL!
9/16 – After reviewing the results of some tests I took, my surgeon is thinking they will try a “less invasive” procedure on me, sometime next week. This is tentative, but if it’s true, it’s (relatively) good news. It means I won’t be having full blown, crack-my-chest open heart surgery, which is always good. Thanks for all your support in getting #dontdieeric as a trending topic. A lot of people pitched in and are still at it! So, for now, my plan is to just take it easy and not screw anything else up and hopefully I will start feeling better in a few weeks. Thanks again for all your love and friendship and not-hatred! I know I’m pretty sarcastic and say a lot of things ironically, but I really am touched by your response. Which is why it makes me so sad to say I’m going to have to press charges.
Hey everybody, this is a video I made with the site, Funny or Die.
It’s called ‘Sex Robots’ and contrary to the title, it’s a thoughtful piece about societal norms and the male libido. Plus, I’m in a bodysuit!
Please feel free to vote and pass this on to your friends if you enjoy it.