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My new acting reel!

I promise an overhaul of this whole site is coming, but for now, enjoy my acting reel!

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Weasel Town!

Okay everybody, I know I’ve been somewhat MIA lately, but that’s because I’ve been working on my new, super secret project. Which coincidentally, I am ready to take the wraps off of right now! Well, sort of.

I have been making a cartoon with my friend, Nathan Hamill. It is called Weasel Town. It is about the adventures of 2 friends, Dipster and Haunches. One is a dog, One is a cat. I’m not sure which is which, but I can tell you this right now, there are no weasels. Derek Waters from Drunk History is the voice of Dipster and Jason Ritter (Parenthood and starring on Gravity Falls this fall) is the voice of Haunches. It is animated by Xeth Feinberg and features the voices of Simon Helberg )Big Bang Theory), Craig Anstett (Funny or Die Presents), Lindsay Weiglein (Stone Darling), and Sarah May Bates.   It is premiering on the Shut Up! Cartoons channel on YouTube July 11.I will be at Comic Con to sneak preview the 1st episode. For now, you can check out the trailer. While you’re there, why don’t you subscribe and make sure to give a thumbs-up, if you like what you see. That really makes a difference! Thanks so much, Eric!

The return. A play in one act.

 

The culprit.

INT: RITE AID.

ME: excuse me, I would like to return this Axe body spray.

MANAGER: for what reason?

ME: it doesn’t work. The commercials say it will get you laid, no problem. I haven’t had sex in 3 years.

MANAGER: how do  I know you aren’t lying? For all I know, you could have had sex twenty minutes ago.

ME: why would I lie about that?

MANAGER: I don’t know, but without any proof, I can’t give you a refund.

ME: what kind of proof? Do you want to smell my dick?!

MANAGER: Yes.

ME: What? Really?

MANAGER: Yes.

DRAMATIC PAUSE.

ME: Okay.

END.

Five Things I Have Learned From Riding The Bus Three Times

ImageMe and some girl.

I know what you are going to say, “But Eric, isn’t the bus just for poor people?” No, you are wrong. The bus is for poor people AND drunk drivers who’ve lost their licenses AND crazy people who are afraid of driving. AND me! Well, I technically belong to the poor people category now, but I digress. Riding the bus has been an eye-opening experience for me. I wouldn’t recommend it.

1.The bus driver doesn’t like it when you waste time by proclaiming, “grocery store, please!” And then walking on without paying.

2. Random strangers don’t appreciate it when you sit next to them and say, “I’m riding the bus!” Apparently, there aren’t as many Simpsons fans on the bus as I would have thought. (See also: 1.)

3. The bus has a TV on it, but the times that I have ridden it, it has always been showing educational lessons. For instance, there was a grammar segment where they discouraged people from using my favorite word: irregardless.

4. Contrary to what I have heard, I didn’t see any evidence of people refusing to pay the bus driver being okay with this. I am aware that it appears I am contradicting myself with lesson 1, but I assure you, I eventually walked back and paid my fare.

5. And most importantly I have learned that I am the kind of person who will wait twenty minutes for the bus and doesn’t mind paying $1.50 to go 7/10 of a mile just to avoid six.minutes of walking, while also being the kind of person who doesn’t have the money to blow ten bucks on a cab ride to accomplish the same thing.

My monkey suit lawyer.

I object!

I’ve had my lawyer, Dick Van Pac-Man, for 23 years. Ever since I sued McDonald’s at the age of 7, Dick Van Pac-Man has been by my side.

4 years ago, when he got horribly burned in a grease fire on over 80% of his body, I vowed to repay his loyalty. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting him to live through the night. But he did.

all through the emergency surgeries, the skin grafts, rehab and his eventual, miraculous return to work, I was there.

The problem is, he looks gross.

That sounds mean, but I’m just being brutally honest with you.

You know when you put a hotdog in the microwave for too long and it explodes?

So he went back to being a lawyer, but predictably, there wasn’t much work for an exploded microwave hot dog lawyer.

And that’s a shame, really. He’s a damn good lawyer. My $7.3 million settlement would attest to that.

I mean, I guess if you could be a lawyer strictly over the phone, he would be fine. You know what, that’s not actually true, because his voice got sort of messed up too.

So what do I do with this guy? He looks like a circus sideshow reject, he can’t get work, he poops in a bag tied around his leg because he’s got no sphincter, but I have a sense of loyalty to him that I just can’t shake.

And then it hits me. Against my  better advice,  we are eating lunch in a downtown Burger King, when a lady comes in with a kid in a stroller. The kid takes one look at ol’ Dick and loses his shit. The kid’s crying, the mom is horrified and it’s a replay of the exact same situation we’ve been in a hundred times. only this time, something clicks. The mom pulls a stuffed monkey out of her bag and puts it right in the kid’s face to distract him. She’s making noises, waving it around, anything to make the kid stop staring at my horribly disfigured lawyer.

And it works.

Dick goes back to his whopper, but I start thinking. Why isn’t this kid scared of the monkey?

A few days later, I show up at the law offices of Richard Van Pac-Man, Esq. with a big surprise.

A monkey suit!

“A monkey suit?” He asks, “You want me to wear a monkey suit?”

I tell him to hear me out. He’s gotta live his life. He’s got to go out in public. But when he does, he makes children cry. Not him, I tell him, his appearance. The monkey suit takes that away. Levels the playing field, as it were. People will no longer scream and cry.Sure, it’s a bit odd, but at least they’re not horrified. And it’s a conversation starter. How long has it been since you’ve been in an actual conversation with somebody other than me, I ask him.

eventually, I win him over. He agrees to try on the suit. For the 1st time since his accident, he enters the room and I don’t visibly recoil in horror. I laugh! I tell him he looks great.

He’s got all kinds of reservations about it. “People won’t take me seriously in a monkey suit, blah blah blah.”

but I’ve thought of everything. I present him with a monkey suit sized tuxedo, top hat and cane. For court, I tell him.

Now there’s no way I can really be sure of this, because even if he wasn’t wearing a full monkey suit and mask, the fire burned most of his lips and mouth completely off, but I think he actually cracked a smile. It’s hard not to.

I am happy to announce that Richard Van Pac-Man,esq. has returned to work, busier and more successful than ever.

Oh sure, there was some growing pains. Some difficult conversations with the judicial system. But one of his biggest cases since getting back was an enormous judgment in his favor for a landmark discrimination suit, that he took up against anybody who would seek to bar him from practicing law while wearing a monkey suit.

Thanks to him, if any lawyers get horribly disfigured and wish to practice law while wearing a monkey suit, their rights are protected in the state Constitution.

plus, the publicity generated by the lawsuit and resulting media coverage, resulted in a barrage of new clients, because honestly, who isn’t going to want a guy in a monkey suit as their lawyer?

Things are looking up for Mr. Van Pac-Man in the personal department as well, thanks to the growing popularity of an Internet subculture called “Plushies.”

And you would say I’ve done nothing good with my life, mom?

Dragon dictate – extra characters fix

I am writing this as a public service. I use DragonDictate to do all my typing. I am a writer, so it is important for me to be able to write. I have some nerve damage in my right hand, which makes typing hard. Dragon Dictate is a good solution for me. Unfortunately, it started to act weird on me. It would insert extra characters at the end of whatever I was typing. This drove me crazy. I could not find a solution anywhere on the Internet. But I found the solution, buried in the help files and I am going to share this with you, in case you are in the same boat as me. I’m not going into why this happens, but it’s something to do with when you use a keyboard or mouse in conjunction with the dictation software. Which I do and which you probably do. I found it nearly impossible to write anything, solely with the dictation software. Anyways, what you want to do is when you find the program is acting weird and generating extra characters, speak into the microphone the words “purge cache”. Then, just delete the extra characters and continued typing or dictating. It only works for a little while, so you will probably have to do it again. If you want the full explanation for why this happens, search “purge cache”in the help files. I hope this helps you, it has worked pretty well for me.

Miley Cyrus? More like LIEly Cyrus! Am I right?

As you can see, I recently got busted listening to the Miley Cyrus song, Party in the USA, so I am ready to admit that I purchased this song on iTunes.

It’s catchy. So sue me!

But when I really listened to the lyrics, I discovered something quite disturbing.

It promotes lying!

Shocking, I know. But it’s true.

In the first verse, she refers to “the Jay-Z song”as “[her ]song” and then in the second verse, she refers to “a Britney song” as her song again!

We’re expected to believe she has two songs?!?

I find it especially ironic, that in a song where she espouses the idea that she’s a regular, hometown gal, she’s all flossin’ and big ballin’ and all up in that with two songs that she claims are ‘her song’ when the rest of us, decent, hard-working Americans are lucky to have one! What could be more ‘ Hollywood’ than that?

Miley Cyrus, you are ridiculous and should be ashamed of yourself!

It’s one thing to be on video, smoking a bong, or dancing around in risque outfits while you perform lascivious dance moves. It’s another thing, all together, to be a liar!

you know what’s even worse? I think she made this song catchy and irresistible on purpose!

I think she was fully intending for this to be a hit song, sell millions of copies and be all over television and the radio!

Disgusting.

And that is why I’m calling on you, to join me in boycotting this dishonest young woman and her supposed “two songs that are her songs!”

Together, we can make a difference and send a message to people that this is not a positive role model for the children of the world.

You (don’t really) have 2000 friends.

Here is the Facebook issue, as I see it.

I guess I am out of the loop. I didn’t know they were even changing Facebook. And I certainly didn’t know that people were upset about it. I learned that they were upset about it when I read a friend’s post complaining about everybody complaining about it.

Obviously, people don’t like the live updates in the upper right-hand corner.

And now that they have brought that feature to my attention, I don’t like it either.

It’s annoying.

But why? And what to do about it?

Complain to everybody? Set up a Facebook page to register your complaints about it?

That may work, I don’t know.

I’m going to suggest a radical solution.

Drop your “friends.”

Not your friends. Your “friends.”

I think I have figured out what is so annoying about this new feature.

if you are like me, you have hundreds, if not thousands of Facebook friends that you don’t even know. You haven’t even spoken to them once. They are complete strangers.

Not even because you’re a Facebook friend whore. You probably just added them because you saw you had 50Friends in common with them. You’re not the Facebook friend whore, they are. You just made a simple mistake.

Anyway, in the past, they were in the background. You had your real friends and it was easy to keep up with them.

Now these people are constantly being shoved in your face. You don’t care about them. You don’t care what they are up to.

So why  are they still your friends?

Drop them.

If Facebook only had your real friends information and updates to barrage you with on a constant basis, you wouldn’t mind.

Dare I say, you might like it? It would be convenient not to have to seek out what people you actually care about were doing. The only problem with it is that they get lost in the  torrent of crap. is this what this thing was really made for?

If you’re not really the kind of person who needs the self gratification that comes with a popularity contest populated by strangers, then the solution is looking you in the face.

Drop ’em.

Second chance tweets!

today, I am unveiling an exciting new feature here on my Hollywoodphony blog!

If you are keeping track, this is indeed my first new feature in some time.

This is where I will put the “tweets” from my twitter account, not-so coincidentally located at www.twitter.com/hollywoodphony,  that I feel are worthy of a second look.

Perhaps you, my loyal readers, simply forgot to check your twitter accounts that day. Or maybe you were just overwhelmed by the sheer number of tweets you  are bombarded with on a daily basis. I don’t know what it was. All I know is you let me down.

These are gold! Gold, I tells ya! I would put these in my standup act, but I don’t have a standup act. It’s frustrating to put out high quality stuff and have nobody take notice. And it’s going to stop! No, not really. Probably not, anyway.

So without further ado, may I present the first  in my series of Second Chance Tweets!

@hollywoodphony Eric Filipkowski
Pedophiles are probably pretty disappointed once they get to a baby shower.