The return. A play in one act.


The culprit.


ME: excuse me, I would like to return this Axe body spray.

MANAGER: for what reason?

ME: it doesn’t work. The commercials say it will get you laid, no problem. I haven’t had sex in 3 years.

MANAGER: how do  I know you aren’t lying? For all I know, you could have had sex twenty minutes ago.

ME: why would I lie about that?

MANAGER: I don’t know, but without any proof, I can’t give you a refund.

ME: what kind of proof? Do you want to smell my dick?!


ME: What? Really?



ME: Okay.



  1. Wait, maybe I misunderstood. I didn’t realize until now that it’s a dick deoderant. NOW all those commercials make sense!!

  2. AXE body spray totally works, bro, you’re just doing it wrong.

    Step 1: Procure an absorbent rag. Cotton fiber works best, in my experience.

    Step 2: Apply AXE Body Spray liberally to the cotton rag.

    Step 3: Using one hand, reach around from behind an unwitting female and apply the rag so that it covers both her nose and mouth. Be sure to use your entire arm to grip her tight in order to prevent her from struggling away. Some may say that using both hands is more convenient, but it has been my experience that the other hand must be used to, you know, get yourself in the mood, as it were.

    Step 4: I can give you more.

    Step 5: Once your female “friend” is fully incapacitated by the rich musk of the AXE Body Spray, she is officially yours to do with as you see fit. Works every time. Enjoy!

    **EDIT**: Holy shit, bro! I have heard that they also make AXE Body Spray in pill form now! You can just drop it in some chick’s drink when she’s not even looking, and then you don’t even have to worry about finding a rag. Just wait until she drops to the ground ‘cuz she’s so hot for you, and then get it, son! Bonus!

    **EDIT #2**: My cellmate just told me that I must be thinking of something else besides AXE Body Spray, but that guy is full of shit most of the time. He’s been telling people around here that he bought me for a pack of cigarettes from some neo-Nazi gang and has been banging me in the ass on a nightly basis for the last seven months, but that’s totally not true, bro! You know what I’m sayin’! High fi-ghlrbmmph*choke*-ve! Sorry, hard to type with this cock in my mouth…

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