Baby fights!

“Trust me,” slappy said, “things are finally going to change. This is it, this is our big break!”
“Baby fights?”
“Hells yeah, baby fights! Motherfucker, trust me. Will you just trust me?”
“I don’t know, this sounds kind of illegal. Two babies, in a ring, beating each other’s brains out?” I asked.
“Two babies?? What the fuck do you mean, two babies?”
“Now I’m really confused. Isn’t that what a baby fight is?”
“Hell no! Two babies? Nobody’sgonna pay $16.50 to watch two babies roll around on the floor, drooling all over the place and shitting their pants. What the fuck are you, stupid?”
“I don’t get it, if it’s not two babies in a fight, what is it?”
What it was, explained Slappy, was one baby in a fight with me, a 34-year-old man, dressed up in a baby suit.
Now, I’ve had plenty of experience humiliating myself, but this was a new low.
I didn’t know if I could do it. I told Slappy I would have to sleep on it.
I tossed and turned all night. I dug deep and really looked into my soul and asked myself if I could really hurt another human being. And that’s not even considering that the human being in question would be a helpless, little baby.
I really had to take stock of myself and come to a conclusion about what sort of man I really was.
In the end, I concluded I wasn’t the type of man who could just throw his morals out the window and beat the crap out of an adorable, little infant for a measly $600.
However, I was the kind of man who could throw his morals out the window and beat the crap out of an adorable, little infant for $2000 in TGI Friday’s gift certificates.
Alas, all this soul-searching and emotional torture, was for naught.
Although I blamed the constricting baby costume and specifically, the mask that impede my vision impeded my peripheral vision, that was just macho posturing in a vain attempt to save face.
The baby kicked my ass. Plain and simple. I can explain it
, I have no idea how he did it, but the cold, hard truth is, the baby kicked my ass.
Careerwise, it was a good move. Not only did I avoid a charge of attempted murder or worse, it couldn’t have been any better for sales of the Baby Fights DVDs and related merchandise.
And in the end, isn’t that the greatest lesson of all?

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