Right now, the astute reader is asking him or herself the question, “Wait a minute, this jobless loser doesn’t have a boss, what gives?”
You’re right, I don’t have a boss. I’m self-employed, asshole.
Anyway, in honor of Geocities closing down this month, I thought I would re-print a few things I wrote early on in my career. Soon my first website will be gone forever, so check it out while you can! I swear to god that is my actual first webpage and not a fake first webpage I made as a goof.
This is a piece in the form of a fake ‘Letter to the Editor’-style.
My Boss Is A Dick – By Nelson Cummingham
Jerry –excuse me– “Mr. Reynolds”, had no right taking away my instant messenger like that. I don’t care if it is official company policy that no instant messaging software of any sort is to be installed on office computers, because the fact is, everyone does it! I was about to point this out to Mr. High and Mighty himself, but figured it wouldn’t help my popularity if I were to ruin it for everyone else. And popularity never hurts when you’re engaged in a lengthy appeals process. Bring up all the character witnesses you want, Jerry! After tomorrow morning, they’ll all be singing my praises; thanks to the box of Krispy Kreme donuts I’ll be donating to the break room! The appeals board is going to see that I’m a hardworking (not to mention POPULAR) employee who deserves the chance to take a few minutes out of every hour to talk to his buddies back east. I’ve been with Global Systems for almost 11 months and I’ve spent the better part of a year and a half working in the technical support industry as a whole and I’ve never heard of a company that didn’t let its employees use instant messenger! If they want to keep me around and reap the fruits of my experience and know-how, they’ll have no choice but to keep me happy and meet my REASONABLE demands.
Please Don’t Call Me A ‘Dick’ – By Jerry Reynolds
First of all, there’s no need to resort to childish name-calling over a simple matter like this. If Nelson has a problem with my administrative decisions, he should voice his concerns with me directly. Judging by some of the misinformation in his editorial, this issue could be resolved quickly if he would simply listen to my side of the argument. I made it clear from the beginning that my problem was never with his installation and use of the instant messenger software. Rather, I took the actions necessary because after several warnings, Mr. Cunningham continued to engage in conduct inappropriate for an office environment. Namely, posing online as a minor to lure underage girls into meeting him for sexual intercourse. Before taking the steps I did, I offered him the option of simply changing his screen name from “ClitNibbler69” to something more restrained, but Mr. Cunningham declined, instead opting to take his complaints to the appeals board. For the record, no such board currently exists. In addition to his previously mentioned transgressions, Mr. Cunningham insisted on using the company message board to relate the explicit details of his encounters with these young women. He even accompanied several postings with full color pictures, the contents of which can only be deemed as ‘child pornography’. Let me take this time to reiterate that if Mr. Cunningham agrees to cease his illegal activity on company time using company resources, I will gladly apologize and personally re-install his instant messaging software myself. I am, of course, open to comments and criticism by any other members of the staff over my handling of this matter, and as always, my door is open to you all.