It’s the thought. That counts?

baby eric and linds

You know that old expression? Well, it really is true.

But only with people who are old. Like your parents.

And you can use this to your advantage to get ahead in life.

Say Dear Ol’ Dad’s birthday is coming up and you forgot to get him a present. Or maybe you are poor. Or maybe you think Christmas this year was pretty skimpy and you figure it’s time for some payback? Hey, I’m not gonna judge!

Using the above fact about old people, you can manipulate the situation to your advantage.

What you’re going to do here is get the credit for buying a present, without really buying a present.

In the past, I’ve talked about making your own phony charitable cause donation cards; where you tell someone you’ve given money in their name. This is a similar scam, but requires a lot of work and a printer or stealing a printer or tricking Kinko’s into “re-printing” something they never printed in the first place because it “came out wrong”.

The genius of this new plan is that it’s so easy. All it requires is some good acting on your part.

Let’s use the example of Mother’s Day.

The day before, you call up your mom. In preparation, get yourself in a good mood by watching some videos where little kids fall down and get hurt, so that you’re actually laughing when she picks up the phone.

“What’s so funny?” she’ll ask.

Tell her that she’s never going to believe what a knucklehead her son is. Your story is that you went and ordered her a beautiful bouquet of flowers, weeks ago, but you’re such a yutz, you accidentally sent them to your billing address, not her mailing address!

Psychologically, your mother is going to get the same thrill as if she had gotten some real flowers, because, again, it’s the thought that counts! She’ll laugh along with you, tell you how sweet you are for thinking of her and try to console you, because she’s going to know that even though you’re laughing about it, you’re probably more than a little disappointed that you blew all that money on a present for her and she didn’t even get it.

Once all the laughter and praise dies down, explain to her that you’re going to send her out the same exact flowers right away. “Oh no,” she’ll protest, “Don’t do that! I don’t need any fancy flowers. I’ve got the best son in the world, that’s the only present I want!”

At this point, you can throw in some idle threats about the flower company and their confusing website and the angry letter they’re going to get from you, believe me! But that’s not really necessary.

The key is to stay cool. Mom’s not gonna call your bluff, but what if she asks for a picture? “Oh yes, of course. I just dropped my camera and broke it, but I’ll borrow one from my friend, for you. After all, it’s Mother’s Day, it’s the least that I could do!”

Then, just never follow through! She’s old! She’ll forget!

Here’s the thing: flowers are a shitty, overpriced gift. Did you know that they just grow, by themselves, out in nature and the woods and shit? No lie!

So here’s something that is basically free that some asshole takes and puts in a vase and now wants to charge you money for? What a scam!

Don’t even get me started on how they jack up the prices on certain holidays!

So do Mom and indeed, the whole country, a favor and don’t give in to this racket.

Happy Mother’s Day!

[note: to my own mother, the above, OF COURSE does not apply to your flowers, which really did get lost in the mail.]

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8 comments

  1. Another thing about flowers: those are some poor plant’s sexual organs that you’re giving to your mom! Why is it perfectly okay to give somebody a big bundle of plant vaginas, but then I get shipped off to the nuthouse for wrapping a rubber band around a bunch of severed dicks that I stole from the local funeral home and presenting them to Paula Abdul? I tell you, there is no justice in this world!

    Another thing that pisses me off? Airplane food! I mean, what is the deal with that?

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