You owe me 8 bucks.


The problem with most “get rich quick schemes” is that they are for people who want to get rich, but do it in a quick way.

I have pinpointed this as the exact reason that most do not work.

My plan is more of a “get less poor slowly” scheme. That might not sound as appealing or glamorous, until you realize that its chances of success are much higher. Aim low, that’s my philosophy!

As long as you play your cards right and give me that 8 dollars that you owe me, this plan is guaranteed not to fail for me!

Do you see what I did right there? I asked for 8 bucks.

“8 bucks? Who cares about that?” You ask.

Exactly! Right? What?

You see, if you ask for an amount like 8 bucks, it flies under peoples’ radar. People who normally might be on the lookout for a scam. In fact, they might even think you’re scamming them, but by asking them for 8 bucks, you’re dealing them fifteen dollars worth of awkwardness, if they were to try and get out of it, so really, it’s a deal for them. A win-win situation for all parties involved.

Now, you might encounter some resistance, for example:

“What the hell am I going to give you 8 bucks for?”

Now, here’s where it pays to think quick on your feet. Just tell them “I bought you lunch that time, remember?”

For 99% of the population, this will be enough reassurance that your friend owes you 8 bucks. For the rest, forget it. You don’t need their dirty stinking money. You’re not gonna beg or even justify their attitude problems.

If my friendship isn’t worth 8 bucks, we’re not really friends and you are a bad person. So pay up, cheapass.



  1. Love the hat, you were right about it. So did you forget? You said, “there’s this great hat I saw at one of those kiosks at Hollywood and Highland and it only costs ten bucks, but I’m a little short (haha) so could you front me the cash?” And I said, “Sure, kiddo, I owe you eight for lunch at Denny’s anyway, so just pay me the deuce whenever you get it.” And actually, I could use it back, now that I’ve taken in all these orphans. Milk’s not free. Should’ve bought the cow.

  2. Hmm, I actually did make 8 bucks today. Thanks for all the well-wishes, but this was intended to be a humorous piece that put a spotlight on all the people I consider true American heroes: the ones with the bravery to not go to work every day. The ones who sit back and let other people support them. I would never actually aspire to such greatness, myself. Consider it an homage. Plus, I think I can get in trouble.

  3. Way to go, Eric. Your filthy display of greed has inspired me to display some filth of my own.

    I am now offering each of you the chance to give me four bucks as opposed to Eric’s eight. That’s like almost half as much. Think about it: you could take that other four bucks and save it towards that pet raccoon you’ve been yammering about since we hooked up outside that bus station that one time.

    Check mate, my friend. They don’t call me “Lowball” because I have some sort of rare testicular deformity. Well, that’s not the only reason they call me that, anyway.

  4. Merry Christmas, Eric! The McRib is back. At least it is here.

    And if you’ll just email us your date of birth and social security number, we’ll get that eight dollars right out to you! Or you can call us with the information at 1 718 386-2277.

    Hi, Scaiyson.

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