The Greatest Toy Ever.

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I’ve written about this thing before (here and here), but let me state, for the record, that the G.I. Joe U.S.S. Flagg aircraft carrier is, without hyperbole, the greatest toy in the entire history of the universe.

You may have noticed that my mentioning of it mostly centers around the fact that I didn’t have one, but other, richer (or more loved?) kids I knew did. I think this could be, very well, one of the defining moments of my life, which has indelibly shaped my worldview to the point where I am no longer able to be truly happy.

If you’re completely lost at this point because you’re not between the ages of 28 and 34 or you’re a girl, you can read more about it at this link. Basically, it’s an 8 FOOT LONG, GODDAM FUCKING AIRCRAFT CARRIER!

There’s really no way to explain the appeal beyond that. If your mind doesn’t instantly go to “Holy shit, that sounds awesome, I would kill six babies for that thing!” then I don’t know what else to say. I don’t mean stranger babies, either. I mean your own flesh and blood.

You see in this ad how those kids get shrunk down and start running around as if they were action figure size? That’s how you felt when you played with this thing, or so I would assume from the six minutes I actually got to spend doing that. Did I mention IT’S GOT ITS OWN LOUDSPEAKER SYSTEM?!

If I had gotten one of these things, I would probably still be playing with it right now. In fact, I wouldn’t be writing this blog because I’d be in my feetie pajamas, doing take offs and landings in my Skystriker XP-14F while the family who had moved into my parent’s house 11 years ago screamed at me to leave.

But, I never got one of them and now they go for thousands of dollars on eBay. So, opportunity missed. Of course, if you’re feeling generous and have one in your house, just sitting around, you could always give yours to me. Let me start holding my breath while I wait for that to happen.

I was forced to beg my so-called “friends” to let me play with theirs. The problem is, these spoiled brats didn’t appreciate what they had. By the time I came over, they were sick of it already and looking to beat up some immigrants or huff paint fumes or whatever.

“Hey, I’m rich and my parents love me, what do I care? Let’s light this thing on fire, that would be funny!”

Yeah, real funny when I rip out your fucking intestines and use them to choke you.

What? Anyway. The worst part about this whole thing is that my parents, who seemed to have just enough cash to buy a new Audi every 2 years, couldn’t quite scrape up the dough to have Santa get me one, even though I sat them down and explained to them that, short of moving to the Polynesian Resort at Disney World, this is the only thing that would ever make me happy. They told me it was simply too expensive.

You know how much this marvel of fantastic toy engineering cost? ONE HUNDRED AND NINE MEASLY FUCKING DOLLARS!

$109?? Are you kidding me? These yuppie scum probably probably dropped that much in coke onto our endangered seal skin carpet on a daily basis.

Look, I’m not here to bash my parents, but they are awful, selfish people who have never thought about anyone but themselves. I have constantly paid the price for their numerous mistakes they have made in rearing my brother and I. IT’S GOT AN EQUIPMENT ELEVATOR TO RAISE UP THE LITTLE CART THAT REFUELS THE JETS! I mean, c’mon, looking back, I assumed this thing must have cost at least five hundred bucks, that would at least partly justify their indifference to my suffering on some level, right?

I’m so agitated right now, I can barely figure out where I am. Needless to say, this is going to be a Christmas to remember. And rest assured, I will do everything in my power to make sure you celebrate it from the comfort of your new rest home, Mom and Dad. Once you are safely locked up, I will use my inheritance to start to make things right, I don’t care how much of your money it takes.

Because, though you two monsters may disagree, I am worth it. Go, Joe!

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11 comments

  1. DAMN did I want that toy. My carpool buddy had one, and I agree it was by far the most impressive toy I have ever seen. I remember begging for one, and being asked back “where would we put it?” — just to berth that moster your house has to be enormous. The play area is like 12 x 8, about as big as my bedroom was.

    To be fair to your parents, the real cost of the aircraft carrier would have been at least $500, after you add up all the planes and Joes and facial reconstruction caused by fistfights with jealous playmates.

  2. I didn’t need that I had the GI Joe base and the hovercraft. AND Omega Supreme! I was a spoiled only child until my parent’s sunk all their hopes and dreams and money into a failing nightclub in East Avon, NY.

  3. You know, I’d usually try to write something witty and clever on the contrary to what you droned on about, but I’m going to have to give you props on this one, Eric. If somehow lost, adrift at sea after my plane’s number 2 engine failed and the only device I had with me was an 8 foot long aircraft carrier, I’d thank my lucky stars and make my way to the nearest island a la Tom Hanks and hope to god that there isn’t a fucking polar bear on that island.

  4. I followed your suggestion, Eric, and murdered six babies that were related to me in the hopes of getting my hands on this elusively awesome toy from my childhood. No aircraft carrier yet, but it’s only been a couple of hours. If that doesn’t work, I might just harvest some stem cells and try to sell them to some rich, paralyzed sucker so that I can afford to purchase one of these behemoth playthings. I guess I should go get those baby corpses on ice! And apologize to my family.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  5. Well thats one hell of an entry, but if you would embelish me for on moment i will tell you how my parents attempted to hide my G.I. Joe toys from me one christmas and like the little sleuth i was i determined that my presents were hidden in the attic. Upon an investigation of my christmas stash i was surprised to find The U.S.S. Flagg not even gift wrapped but in all its glory sitting in my attic. Like Ralphy from the Christmas story, I sat around for an entire week day dreaming about my future adventures and living out my own version of Top Gun. However after altering my room to fit this holy grail of toys. I was thrown a bomb about the equivalent to that of hiroshima when i found out that the Aircraft Carrier in my attic was not mine it was my neighbors and my lot of G.I. Joe toys had been stored in there house. I am 28 years old and the bitterness of that christmas still runs deep. Next time i will not have to assume its mine, i will know because i’ll buy it off of EBAY. YO JOE!!!

  6. Well, hopesfully Santa will bring you one of these this year. If not, you might consider changing your name before next year. It does sound kind of “Jewy”. Maybe you could try something like “Ellington” or “Dewberry”. Or maybe “Holdsworth”. I think that would work pretty well. Guys with names like that always got the good stuff. So try “Holdsworth”. “Holdsworth Filipkowski”. The third. That oughta do it. Meanwhile, Late Happy Chanooka to you.

  7. Well I did had one of these and it was just AWESOME!!!!!!!! I remember walking out the Airport in Cali, Colombia with my hand next to box as someone was taking this Huge box to our car and it felt great except I felt bad for every other kid in there they started to cry.

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