Well, you may have been wondering where I’ve been the past few weeks and boy, do I have a story to tell!
I have been in the market for a laptop computer for a very long time and everyone told me not to waste my money on cheap junk; that I should save up and get the best. Overwhelmingly, I was told that “the best” was an Apple Macintosh Laptop Computer.
If you’ve shopped around, you know how expensive these devices can be.
I hadn’t bought a computer in a while but rather than send away through the mail or line the pockets of some large corporate entity, I would instead patronize a local establishment. I had good luck at a small shop on Victory called Mr. Pickles Computer Sales & Repairs. I should note that this is not associated with the Mr. Pickles chain of sandwich shops, nor the actual vinegar-soaked vegetables. You will see why I wish to make that distinction in a minute.
I had good luck purchasing 1.44 mb floppy disks for my current machine, so I I thought that this was a vendor I could trust.
They told me that the machine I was purchasing was a brand new, top-of-the-line Apple Mac Book Pro 14 inch, so I didn’t mind paying the premium price of over three thousand dollars. I know, I know, that sounds exorbitant, but it’s not entirely unreasonable for the type of hardware I was interested in.
Well, when I got my “brand new” computer home, I unpacked it and this is what I found:
Pretty unbelievable, huh? It was fairly obvious to me that after using this computer for a good 20-30 minutes, the level of performance I had been promised was definitely lacking. Also, I believe they had not sold me the brand new computer I had been promised, this one seemed to be used.
You can probably understand that I was steamed, so I drove right back and demanded to speak to this Mr. Pickles right away. The employees gave me the runaround for a while, but when they saw I wouldn’t be easily intimidated, the manager came out to talk to me.
He told me that since I had opened the box, any returns would be subject to a 30% restocking fee. This seemed fair to me and really, I just wanted to wash my hands of the whole thing, at that point.
When I brought out the laptop computer, the manager became very agitated and actually accused ME of causing some damage to it! I was incredulous! I tried to keep my cool, but it was very hard as he began to push me and accused me of running some sort of flim-flam operation in some sort of vaguely “ethnic” accent.
I assured him that I was on the level and that, in fact, I felt as if I was the one being flim-flammed, but he would not listen to reason.
At this point, he told me to leave the store and not to come back for at least six weeks while he collected his temper. He then threatened me with bodily harm if he were to see me in his store before the alloted time.
Though I was nervous about it, I stood my ground and told him that I would not be leaving until I had received full renumeration for my defective purchase, minus the 30% restocking fee. His response was to de-pants me, in full view of several customers and employees.
I was shocked to realize that I was without my slacks in mixed company and indeed, some licentious women began to openly disparage the appearance of my penis and testicles. Well, I had just about had enough, so I began to pick up my trousers and leave when the manager assaulted me with some sort of ping pong ball projectile pistol.
He began to pelt me about the breast and face and as luck would have it, one of the ping pong balls struck me in the eye socket, leaving me blind in one eye. After six hours of surgery, doctors were able to restore some of my sight. I can now see dark and light and the loose outline of some shapes.
I still have yet to receive any sort of refund or apology from the management of the Mr. Pickles Computer Store. I don’t really know where to turn. Perhaps there is some sort of consumer reporter on Channel 4 who could do a story on me and all I’ve gone through? My medical bills are pretty high, not to mention the fact that I still don’t have a working laptop computer.