9:43 EST – Fox News is reporting that Republican candidate, John McCain has been elected President of the Real United States of America by a historically significant margin of 100% to 0.

This victory should come as little surprise, because polls conducted in the days leading up to the election had shown President-elect McCain’s overwhelming popularity with people looking to ignore the issues of the economy and the War in Iraq in order to focus on more important things: like which candidates were secretly of the Muslim faith or have names that sound vaguely Muslim-ish or who once wore a Muslim-looking outfit while visiting a foreign country and therefore, must be Muslim, which is bad.

Of course, these are the vital issues affecting Real Americans, the ones who had the patriotism to cast their vote for a candidate they are sure is not a Muslim.

The McCain campaign, addressing a group of supporters waiting to hear from their candidate, said that “Thanks to your efforts, the culture war against anything new or different (and therefore ‘scary’ and ‘evil’) would continue to be fought in the name of divisiveness.”

More to come as late-breaking details become available.



  1. Ha! You silly real and fake Americans and your ridiculous elections. Well, not me, suckers!

    I declared my house a sovereign nation, and I held my own election yesterday. I was narrowly defeated for the office of president by my dog. Now he makes me poop in the yard. The neighbors are not pleased.

    I think that bastard dog rigged the election, though. First off, there were way too many ballots in the shoebox. I don’t remember having twelve people named “Not the dog” living in my house. Second, the shoebox smelled very strongly of dog food, and my dog eats dog food way more often than I do! Third, those aforementioned suspicious ballots were totally written in his handwriting. Unfortunately, my dog is the sole member of the election board, so I guess I’m fucked.

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