Top 5 Stupidest Childhood Taunts

Kids are stupid, everybody knows that.

Not only are they stupid, they’re also mean. Leave a bunch of kids to their own devices for long enough and you end up with that scene from the Lord of the Flies where they roll a giant rock onto that fat kid’s head.

Put stupid and mean together and it’s a recipe for disaster; as anybody who’s ever had to run for their lives from the bedroom of an angry redneck’s teenage daughter knows.

In this case, the disaster is really just an epic fail in the category of “taunts and putdowns.”

5. “I know you are, but what am I?”

This isn’t really a taunt on its own, it’s more of a comeback, but since it’s probably the most popular schoolyard phrase you’ll hear in these circumstances, I felt it needed to be addressed.

I never really got why kids thought this had such rhetorical power; as if it’s utterance creats a vortex in space time that leads the participants into a near infinite loop of arguing from which neither can escape. Inevitably, you will see this done by a younger character on a TV show who gets into a brouhaha with one of his or her chums and this will be elicited, as a response to something the other has said. It’ll be repeated about ten times, everybody laughs and I die inside, just a little.

Now, as an adult, if someone said this to you, you would simply reply, “Just because you take my accusation and level it back at me doesn’t mean that it is necessarily true. You sound foolish, repeating yourself like that and if you continue to do so, I will walk away or perhaps give you a sound beating.”

If you need any proof of what I’m saying, look at the “comeback” that somehow puts an end to all this.

“Takes one to know one!”

Why is that true? This is the kind of bullshit people spout off all the time, but it doesn’t mean it’s valid. This idea that “you can’t understand what I’m going through if you haven’t been through it yourself” is, at best, an oversimplification. At worst, it’s a denial of our basic human principles of empathy.

And we owe it all to the children.

4. “<Boy Name> and <Girl Name>, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

OK, so let me get this straight: you’re saying that I’m going to go make out with and then have sex with this girl, at least once (because that’s how you make kids)? And that’s a bad thing?

Can you imagine your friends doing this to you now? Even a reasonably plausible adult analog? “Hey, you like that girl, I bet you want to make out with her or bang her?”

“Why yes, yes I do.”

“Oh, cool.”

I guess this is just part of growing up, becoming “not such a fucking stupid asshole?” I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to when I was a kid and while all my dipshit friends are busy playing with trucks in the sandbox, I’d have all the girls to mysel….. Nevermind, scratch that part.

3. “You think you’re hot shit, but you’re really just cold diarrhea!”

Again, I’m gonna go literal on this one.

Have you ever had a ‘hot shit’? The kind that burns your ass when it comes out? Then it keeps burning for like twenty minutes?

If you can tell me one thing worse than that, you’ve got my respect. I’ve had open heart surgery and I don’t think that even comes close.

I mean, you actually want to die, it’s that bad. I have no idea why this phenomenon occurs, but I do know it is awful. It’s the kind of thing that makes you ball up a big wad of toilet paper and push it against your butthole in a vain attempt to make it stop. If you’re ever in a public bathroom and you see some guy’s legs squirming around, all over the place, that’s probably what’s going on.

Cold diarrhea instead of hot shit? Yes, please.

The kicker is (and I’ll ask you to draw on your own experiences here), have you ever had a ‘hot shit’ that was solid? No, of course not. So really this whole thing comes down to, “You thought that you were going to have a really painful bout of diarrhea, but instead, it’s actually just regular diarrhea, which by comparison, doesn’t seem so bad at all.”

See?? Kids are stupid!

2. “You’re gay!”

Let’s look at all the options here. Either I am gay, in which case, you’re probably committing a hate crime or I’m not gay and this is slander.

If you think that gay people are born gay, then you’re just mis-attributing to me a genetic characteristic I don’t have. But if you think that gay people are born gay, then you clearly don’t think it’s a big deal, so where’s the rhetorical weight of your argument?

Now, if you think gay people turn gay because they are wicked and they’re going to Hell, you might think that this is actually a pretty good taunt. I mean, you’re saying, “hey, you’re a bad person and you’ll spend eternity in the worst place ever!” Right?

The problem for you is, you’re talking about a Christian Hell. And along with that belief in a Christian Hell comes a belief in Jesus Christ, the living embodiment of the god of infinite love on earth. Contrary to what those people who like to protest the funerals of soldiers might believe, it seems pretty obvious that Jesus, in all his infinite love and wisdom, is not going to like you going around casting aspersions on people like this. In fact, these actions might even wind you up in Hell, yourself!

Checkmate, mother fucker!

1. “Your mother douches with Drano.”

This might sound like a fairly reasonable option for a decent childhood taunt. At the least, it’s creative, you have to give it that. But let’s examine what’s actually being said here.

First of all, what the hell is douche, anyway? It’s vinegar, right? I still don’t really know exactly what that whole deal is about. I know one thing: I hate vinegar. To me, this is like putting out a fire with gasoline, but whatevs! Most people seem to like vinegar, so right off the bat, this isn’t looking good. Unless it’s directed at me.

Trust me when I say that none of the 7 year old boys using this phrase have any idea what the hell douche is, let alone what it does. Seriously, I’m 33 and I’m a little cloudy on that. Plus, I don’t think most women even do it anymore.

Now, I think we can deduce that the gist of the argument is that if your mother douches with Drano, her vaginal cavity is akin to some sort of toilet? I’m sorry to be so graphic, but I think that these issues are important enough to warrant serious discussion. We’re all adults here, so grow up.

The only problem with this is that the directions clearly state that you’re not supposed to use Drano on a toilet! Drano is for sinks. So my mom’s vagina is a sink? Are you gonna wash the dishes in it? Maybe peel some carrots over it? Ooh, burn! You got me!

If these stupid idiot kids could think up something better, say, involving a plunger, they might be onto something, but this “putdown” is just lame. It really makes no sense at all.

Finally, as a counterpoint to this, the word ‘douchebag’ is still used by many grown men, because it’s a really funny image.

This is an actual childhood taunt that has some staying power. Its popularity is off the charts. And with good reason: it’s built on a solid foundation of logic.

You park your 2009 BMW 335i in two spots, then you go into Coffee Bean and loudly talk on your bluetooth headset about the chick you met at the club last night in your metrosexual jeans and now someone is going to compare you to an inflatable rubber bag filled with vinegar that women insert into their vaginas to mask odor? That’s hilarious!

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7 comments

  1. 6. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

    If you catch your kid using this (especially if he is male), you might as well sit him down and have a talk about how he is going to spend the rest of his life as a giant pussy who will rarely get laid and will probably go into a job in tech support or something. And the worst thing about this retort is that it practically invites the kid it is being used against to beat the shit out of the user. Not very smart, there, Poindexter. Looks like you’ll need some extra masking tape to hold your glasses together after I get done throwing rocks at you and beating you with a stick.

    7. “Liar, liar, pants on fire!”

    What does this even mean? This one taps into the flawed logic of the whole idea that something must be insulting simply because it rhymes. Also, I may have told a lie, but how exactly does that relate to the flammability of my dungarees? Perhaps it indicates that the user of this particular taunt is going to set the pants of the liar on fire, in which case, you’re advocating arson and could spend several years in jail, which just isn’t good for anybody. Nice going, Weisenheimer. Enjoy your ass rape in state prison. It doesn’t hurt that much, I promise. Oops, my pants may be on fire after that last statement.

  2. “I know you are …” definitely qualifies as a taunt. While literally a comeback it’s a taunt in practice, usually said over and over with a snide little inflection (that totally justifies a trip in the back of a van) meant to provoke an angry response. You’re welcome.

  3. Also, “I know you are but what am I?” pretty much leaves the utterrer basically spiritualy “spread- eagled”. If I knew someone were douchebag enough to use this one, I would simply sya something like “you’re a jerk”, or some oher mild insult. Then when the retort came, I would follow it uup with something DEVASTATING, like, “you are REALLY a jerk”.

    Plus it sure seems a lot like “I’m rubber, you’re glue..”. I’d like to see THOSE two duke it out in a no-holds-barred, winner-take-all cage match of destruction. THEN we’ll see what you are!!

    Also, I like vinegar and just a LITTLE bit of tartar sauce on mine. Mmmm-mmmm deeelish!!!

    And I appreciate the picture of the douchebag. It is pretty funny to look at. But what’s the one down below? You know, the red thing with the white tube?

  4. Gee, Eric, you’re so gay. I use all of those to this day and I’m pretty witty, if I do say so myself. (Oh, and I’m not worried about Jesus–I’m Catholic–so I’m forgiven gaywad).

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