…That I learned from watching porno as a kid.
When I was a kid, I loved porno. My parents were always away gambling and they’d leave me home alone with “the babysitter”, which was our 19″ Zenith. So, as soon as they were gone, I’d run upstairs and break into my dad’s porno stash.
My therapist says this might be why I’ve never had a successful relationship with a human woman, but I’m pretty sure she was just hitting on me when she said that.
Anyway, here are the 5 most important life lessons that I have figured out about our time spent on this crazy blue ball we call earth.
5. Sometimes, gay guys like to have sex with girls.
It’s true. I know you think, “Oh, gay guys like to have sex with gay guys, that’s what makes them gay!” But watch any porno. Inevitably, you’ll see some dude who is totally gay banging the hell out of some super hot chick. Maybe it’s that gay guys only like to bang super hot porno chicks? Like, they prefer other dudes to regular girls, but if some wicked skinny broad with giant juggs comes along, they’ll make an exception? That must be it.
4. As an addendum to 5, apparently no straight guys like to be in porno (unless they used to be “famous”).
This always seemed weird to me. Why the fuck wouldn’t you want to be in a porno? You get to bang super hot chicks with monster cans! I wanted to be in a porno, I still do. Does this make me gay? Maybe all the straight guys are in gay porno? My dad didn’t have any of those tapes, so I don’t know. These are just the mysteries that contribute to life’s rich tapestry of colours.
3. Contrary to what you see in Hollywood movies, for regular people, the sex act actually consists of 6 seconds of foreplay, followed by 30 minutes of vigorous vag pounding with a semi-flaccid penis before the guy spontaneously pulls his wiener out and shoots white stuff all over the chick’s boobs.
It’s kinda disgusting how the mainstream media can’t be honest about this stuff. You know those sex scenes in “Pretty Woman” are all fake, right? I know! Can you believe it? Even in a movie about hookers! And where was all the violence? Man, that movie sucked! Big time!
2. Sometimes super hot chicks will want to bang you if you are a big, fat, hairy guy with a giant penis.
Like in number 5, I think this is a case of people who normally wouldn’t bang a certain kind of person making an exception for a specific reason. Just like how gay guys will bang a chick if she’s super hot and has huge titties, some super hot chicks with huge titties will bang some big fat guy if he has a monster wang.
1. Don’t ever let someone bury you up to your neck in sand, because if you do, like 20 guys will come over and wack off all over your face and there’s nothing you can do to stop them.
This especially applies if you are a hot Japanese woman. (Or you’re in a terrible band from the 90’s, apparently.)
So that’s pretty much all I know for sure about life. I’ve lived by those rules since I was about 4 years old and they have served me well. My manager at Burger King says I am up for a promotion soon and I might be able to get a computer of my own so I don’t have to watch porn at the library anymore. I hope you found these lessons as enlightening as I have.