You may have noticed that I haven’t posted in a week or so. The reason why is a nice little insight into my life and what makes me tick, so if you care, keep reading!
Basically, I realized a few months back that I was approaching the occasion of my 500th blog entry.
“Wow, I should really do something special for that!” thought I.
Typically, the self-imposed pressure of this minor happening became overwhelming.
It had to be great! It had to exceed expectations! It had (at the least) to reach levels of genius not even fathomable by the average human!
Then, I hit 499 and everything screeched to a halt. By simple math, my next post would be the 500th. Since my “500th Post” wasn’t ready, I couldn’t just post anything, because that would become my 500th post, by default.
(As I’m writing this, I realize the error of that thinking, because actually, South Park’s 100th episode was really their 103rd episode and if South Park can do it, why not me?)
So then I cooked up this idea for a video where I’m sitting there with a birthday cake that says, “Happy 500th Post!” I’m all sad and looking around because nobody has showed up. I was going to make a fake E-vite to illustrate that I had invited you all and that you had rsvp’d “Yes” and then totally blew me off.
The problem is, the idea of going out to the store and buying a cake and having them write out “Happy 500th Post!” in frosting, itself, became too overwhelming.
I mean, where do you get a cake like that? How long does it take them to do it? Is it expensive?
All of this trouble for something I didn’t think was that funny to begin with?
So then I remembered what they told you in school about homemade gifts. Actually, I didn’t remember it, exactly, I just kinda remembered the summary of it:
That homemade gifts are the best kind because they have the most thought behind them. Or something like that.
So my “gift” to you, the reader, would be something homemade, on this, the occasion of my 500th post.
Of course, that’s meaningless. This is a blog. Everything’s “homemade” because I “make it” at “home”. I obviously wasn’t going to buy anything with money. That would be ridiculous. You didn’t get me anything, so fuck off.
No, in this case, by homemade, I mean that rather than go out and do something expected and easy, I would put some serious thought into it, in line with the “spirit” of homemade gifts.
I know that last part was confusing, but it really is part of this “homemade” gift to you: the gift of complete transparency.
I know what you’re thinking. “What the fuck? That’s not even a real thing! This is fucking retarded!”
Yes, it is! That’s my point.
This post is a trip into my brain. This is my thought process. For every blog I write, there are 20 paragraphs of “So let me explain” and “But what I really mean” and “Not to say that <x> isn’t” that I cut out. Sometimes even after I’ve published them.
Nobody second-guesses themselves like I do. It’s something I’ve had to learn to (barely) control; this need to over-explain everything. To protect myself from criticism by anticipating said criticism and pre-addressing it.
I mean, even now, I want to go back and delete this whole thing. Well, starting with the ‘homemade gifts’ part, anyway.
What I always liked about my own blog is that it wasn’t the “stream of consciousness, self-love, oh my life is so interesting” bullshit that most blogs were about.
And as it slowly divulged into that and became less and less about my fiction writing, I remarked upon it, feeling that somehow cleared me from being guilty. Because, then it’s ironic!
So, happy 500th blog post to you, gentle reader! For you get the greatest gift of all: not being subjected to having to hang out with me in real life! Your exposure to me, save for this entry, is mostly pretty heavily edited! So enjoy it!
[note: along the same lines, I went back and edited this a little and took out this part at the end. Then I went and deleted this explanation before trying to remember what I just wrote and re-writing it again.]