I’m back!

Well, I have returned from my whirlwind week of guest-blogging on Funny or Die. This week’s guest blogger is Paul Scheer, so I suggest you keep reading, as he is a very funny guy. I’m gonna repost the (new) stories I wrote while I was gone, in case you were too lazy to click on a link. That’s not me judging you, I’d be too lazy too.

It was at an Outback Steakhouse that I decided they need to make all seeing eye dogs really ugly. To the point where you don’t want to pet them.

I guess since they are “service dogs” who are “doing a job,” you’re really not supposed to put out your hand and play with them or give them some of your Bloomin’ Onion.

They are worried that you’ll distract the dog and then the blind guy will walk off a cliff or into oncoming traffic or something equally hilarious. That’s what I have surmised.

The thing is, when you see a cute dog walking through a restaurant, it’s surprising and your natural instinct is to go over to them and start petting them, right? Plus, they’re usually wearing a vest or something and animals wearing clothes are just naturally much cuter. Everybody knows that.

So my solution, that I thought up, is that they should take these dogs and maybe when they’re puppies, they should throw acid on them or burn them or something. That way, they’ll be super ugly and people will look at them and go, “Oh shit, that thing is scary looking. I’m not petting that!” And then the dog can go about its business and do its job.

Makes sense to me.

Maybe you think it’s a little extreme to throw acid in a cute puppy’s face, but I don’t mean like the kind of acid that will kill it or nothing. Just enough to horribly disifigure it, without making it blind or incapable of doing its job.

So then the dog is really ugly, nobody wants to pet it and the blind guy doesn’t care, cuz he’s blind anyway. Everybody wins!

And then I don’t get my trip to Outback ruined by some hothead screaming at me not to give his dog a chocolate bar.



  1. Careful, upyourface-Pat! You could end up turning the blind guy into a psycho supercriminal who must flip a coin to decide between his good side and his evil side.

    Then, one day in the future, he will be portrayed in film by Tommy Lee Jones in an awful superhero movie. Trust me, no one wants to see that!

    Although Jim Carrey in green tights… Rowr!

  2. You’re right. I don’t know what gets into me sometimes. it’s almost like I’m two (or three) different people.

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