Can someone tell me? Seriously? This isn’t a bit.
I’m on it. I’ve found some friends from high school and college. I play Scrabble (excuse me, “Scrabulous”), but when I read an article where they talk about it being worth billions of dollars, I have to ask myself this question:
For what? A place to put up a few pictures and send your friends a message once in a while?
Maybe I’m just old, but I really don’t get it.
It’s basically the same thing as Myspace. Which is basically the same thing as Friendster. Do we really need all of these?
If you’re like me, you do what you’re told, subject your own will and migrate with the herd.
First, there was Friendster, then for some reason, the collective decided it was no longer cool and then it went to Myspace, which was equally stupid and annoying, but had more people on it. Then the same thing happened again with Facebook.
I don’t have anything better to do with my time?
Well, no, actually I don’t. But you should. You’ve got a job, or a family, or both. You have things to do, places to see, people to drink coffee with.
Why is this thing worth so much goddam money?
You hear alot about “the apps”. Maybe it’s the apps?
“Oh, it’s the apps!” they’ll say!
What the fuck is an “app”!?!
Does that mean “application”? I think it does, but to be honest, I’m nowhere near 100% sure of that.
I actually went and looked it up on wikipedia, which had this to say about it:
Features of the website include … pokes for sending virtual “pokes”.
That’s a feature?? That’s fucking annoying, that’s what it is! Do you like when people poke you in real life? No, of course not. In some cultures, that’s grounds for murder. But it’s supposed to be fun when you’re online? Fuck you, Facebook!
I go online to avoid physical contact with people. So what does this 4 billion dollar ass bucket do? It takes that away from me. Now any douchebag on my friend list can poke me anytime they want. They can even do much, much worse than that, it seems.
Which leads me to the real reason I hate this goddam piece of shit: Vampires.
Vampires, Werewolves, “Which Star Trek Character Are You?” quizzes. All that shit. I guess these are what they mean by “apps” and “pokes”. But again, not totally sure.
If you have ever sent me any of these things, I hate you. If you have spent $1 of real money to send me a virtual gift, you should hate yourself.
Yes, you read that correctly. If you’re unaware, on Facebook, you can buy your friend a latte! Only it’s not a real latte! It’s a picture of one! But it costs real money!
So when you look at it like that, you can see what the genius of this thing really is. It’s a giant contraption that does nothing but trick people into thinking their money is worthless, then make you feel like it’s doing you a favor by taking your worthless money off your hands for you, so that you are free to go back to drinking paint or whatever you did to damage your brain to the point that you think any of this is a good idea, let alone, fun.
I’m not done yet.
It occurs to me, as I’m writing this, that it’s all a little bit high school-cliquish. And by ‘a little bit’ I mean ‘exactly alike in every single way.’
Think about it: When did you leave Friendster? When everybody was on it and it wasn’t cool and all the cool people went to Myspace. Then that happened again.
I remember thinking the best part about Facebook is that it wasn’t all profiles for somebody’s cat or their pet rock. There weren’t random stalkers pretending to be Bill Murray. It was all real people that I knew in real life, to some capacity.
But now that’s gone too. The same people I don’t know in real life on Myspace have followed me over to Facebook. So has their page for their shitty band I’m never going to go see or listen to or even swerve to avoid with my car if I see them crossing the street with their music gear.
By my calculations, I guess it’s time for the new Facebook. But when you find it, don’t go and tell everyone else about it, just me, because I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.