It’s tough to be a bitch

This is a story about one of the funniest things I ever saw. It warms my heart just thinking about it and I wanted to share that with people; to spread some love in this cold, cold world.

I was at California Adventure and me and my “friend,” Pickles, were at “It’s Tough To Be A Bug,” one of those 3D movies that has interactive features like water squirting at you and junk like that.

It’s cool and dark down there and though I’ve seen it 50 times, it’s always a nice change of pace from the hot sun and lack of shade found at California Adventure.

It was a fairly crowded day and the show was packed with kids.

Let me preface what happened with a disclaimer, as I’m gonna sound like a huge dick in a minute.

The Disney park-goer is a tad “conservative” in what they want their rides to be like. There was a great ride at Disney World’s Magic Kingdom called ExtraTERRORestrial Encounter where a monster escapes from its enclosure and stalks the riders in the dark.

It was really cool and genuinely creepy, but from peoples’ reactions to it, you would think Hitler came out and raped a baby kangaroo or something.

Seriously, people would complain and say things like, “I’m never coming back to your park again! You scared my poor child half to death!” Personally, I’d be cool with giving that brat the other half, but that’s just me.

For the record, it’s not that bad. A fake looking monster. Some hot air over your shoulder. That’s about it. It’s Disney. That’s the point: it’s never that scary.

But these people seem to be fantastical pussies when it comes to this shit. Even when there are warnings placed in the line and all that. God forbid anybody take some personal responsibility.

They went and changed the ride to make it about Lilo and Stitch and of course it’s awful now. Even those whiny bitches are like, “Jeez, well this is just fucking lame.”

Back to ITTBAB. So the show is going on and there’s this one part when these giant spiders come out of the ceiling. They kind of appear out of this fog that they shoot out at you. They have glowing green eyes and it is probably what I would call “mildly startling” the first time you experience it.

Well, for some reason (and let me state this is the only time it has ever happened), these kids went APE SHIT.

That was actually much more jarring than the spiders themselves. Everyone was having a good time, laughing and playing along. Oohing and aahing as we got splashed with water or it seemed like a bug was flying right in front of our faces! We could even feel the wind from his wings!

And then suddenly, it was pandemonium!

500 little kids started screaming in terror. You could see them jumping off their seats and trying to hide, putting their hands over their heads to shield themselves.

Well, if you know Pickles at all, he started laughing his ass off. And this, of course, got me laughing too.

Now you might say, “Wow, you’re an ass. Those poor little kids!” But you would be wrong. Trust me. I’ve seen this show 50 times at least. This has never happened. Some of the kids get mildly scared but that’s it.

Let me re-state that it’s really not that scary. It’s Disney, for chrissake! I think it was one of those group mind situations where one person’s actions effect all the other people and they just kinda go along with it.

There was a mad dash as parents grabbed their screaming tots and ran for the door. Tears everywhere.

But the absolute BEST part of all of it was this one kid, maybe 2 or 3 rows over from us, screaming like the rest of them, but mustering enough courage to cry out to his father in his little Martin Prince, high-pitched voice.

“Daddy! Save me!”

We lost it. Through my own tears of joy, I saw his dad glare at us as he shuffled past, clutching little Nancy in his arms.

No offense, I know you’re only six, but fucking grow a pair, bro.

IT’S DISNEYLAND.

You really think they’re gonna let anything happen to you?

You just go along with what everyone else thinks and does? Everyone else is scared and crying. so you do it too? That’s fascism, son. You’re worse than the Nazis. There. I said it.

I’m glad you got scared and pissed your pants. If you were my kid, I would have left you there. You’re a disgrace.

You see those little boys in that picture? They might have Cabbage Patch Kids, but they’d never start crying because of a plastic spider. They were raised with honor.

When my dad left us alone in the woods when I was 8, we didn’t have time to cry because we had to make a campfire and get some food. You’re gonna make fun of my doll? Well guess what, asshole? I used that doll to beat a wolf to death.

That’s called real danger.

So forgive me if I’m a little tough on someone so unashamed to show weakness in public.

When you grow up like I did, you save that for when you’re alone, shivering with your little brother under a freshly-killed wolf carcass, trying not to freeze to death. Thinking about your parents, 300 miles away in your warm house. Knowing they won’t come back to get you for six more days. Constantly reliving the moment when you swung your best friend around by his ankles, hearing his plastic head smash against the skull of that rabid creature, right before it popped off and flew into the partially frozen river where it floated away, never to be seen again.

So I dedicate this blog to you, Ron Adolphe, my adopted son and fallen comrade. I’ll never forget you, buddy.

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7 comments

  1. I had a reaction like that in a movie once, except it wasn’t at Disneyland, it was at Sea World in San Diego. And I wasn’t a little kid, this was only about two years ago. It was the same kind of set up as the movie you saw, Eric, what with the seats that spray you with water, the vibrating chairs, and all of that crap.

    So there I was, sitting there thinking, “Fuck, this is lamest fuckin’ shit I have ever fuckin’ seen. I can’t beleive I have to wear these faggorty green plastic glasses that have probably adorned the head of about 200 fat sweaty little fag kids today. I hope they fuckin’ sterilize these piece of shit things.”

    Admittedly, I probably shouldn’t have been shouting this out in the middle of the movie surrounded by like 100 six year olds, but I was really high on some ludes that some tall gangly fuck in a Cookie Monster outfit sold to me outside of the Penguin Encounter earlier that day.

    Anyhoo, I kept getting sprayed by water and feeling my nutsack vibrate on the chair, and I was really bored with the whole thing, when I felt something on my shoulder. I was lie, “Oh, that’s supposed to be some octopus tentacle grabbing me or something. How fucking lame is that?”

    So I turned to look, and there’s this fat, pimply, drooling guy in a Sea World security guard outfit standing there, and he’s got his dick on my shoulder! Well, I screamed like a little bitch, that day, my friends. All the little children laughed and laughed as I ran out of the theater in tears. I still haven’t quite recovered from the whole thing, but my therapist told me in our session the other day that I’m getting a lot better. Then he put his hand on my shoulder. Wait… was that his… hand?

    Oh, fuck!!!!

  2. This is my first time on the site – got here from a Bill Hader interview. Just wanted to say great post. I went on that ride before Lilo & Stitch, with that monster and was scared shitless (the air on the neck did it for me), proceeded to rave about it then went on the Lilo & Stitch version only to be completely disappointed. Hilarious post.

  3. Allan,
    Thanks for reading, I’m glad you liked it. It was a great ride and they totally ruined it. I’ve actually seen people complain online that Lilo & Stitch is still too scary. I hate to think about what happens to these people when a moth flies in their window or they accidentally buy the wrong kind of Quaker Instant Breakfast.
    Eric

  4. Well, I just can’t believe that your father would just leave you in the woods like that. The whole thing is so.. unbelievable! I think it’s insulting when parents don’t take their responsibility seriously, and I’m going to skulk around all day thinking about how angry this whole thing makes me. It’s hard to believe that it’s 100% true. I’m writing my congressperson.

    On a side note for Scott, please be careful when you are reading a business card. For instance, what you may read as one word may actually be two. You may want to study the sign on the door more carefully on your next visit to your doctor, I had the same problem once when I was “treated” by Dr. Holder Downe, “Therapist”.

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