“Fraysh Beef”

[Just so you know, this is a fictional story. I shouldn’t have to spell that out, but apparently, I do.]

When I was a kid, Sunday was the day my brother and I usually spent the most time with our dad.

He was pretty stressed out during the week and Sunday was his only real day off.

One of our rituals on this day was our trip to get some fast food.

My mom usually had to work, so it was his job to feed us. Given his love of anything fried or grilled and his hatred of actually having to cook something, it was a no-brainer that we usually ended up at McDonald’s or Burger King.

On really special occasions, he would take the extra fifteen minutes to drive us to the Wendy’s, one town over.

This was special for two reasons. The first being that we considered Wendy’s a step up from the usual fare. But the second was that we knew we would be laughing our asses off as my dad referred to all the employees in the store as “Wendy.”

“Hey Wendy, you forgot my large fry!” He would say to the guy behind the counter.

“There’s no paper towels in the john, Wendy!”

“Gimme a number 3 with a Coke, Wendy!”

Most of the time, they’d just take it and chuckle or pretend like they didn’t hear him.

Every once in a while, someone would get indignant and point to their name tag as they informed him that their name was actually “Peter” or “Shelly.”

He would calmly reply that the restaurant was clearly called “Wendy’s”. By his reasoning, if a restaurant is called Wendy’s, it implies that Wendy must be the name of the employees who work there. Or else it was false advertising.

I know it doesn’t make any sense, but it was usually good enough to get us some free Frosties when the manager inevitably came over to smooth things over.

One day, as we were leaving with our hush money Frosties, one of the employees my father had referred to as “Wendy” was outside, taking out the trash.

As we walked by, he muttered under his breath, “Enjoy your jizz-filled Frosty, dick.”

It was barely audible, but we heard it. Of course, I didn’t know what “jizz” was back then, but I could tell it was bad, from my father’s reaction.

“What the hell did you just say, Wendy?” He asked, getting in the punk’s face.

“I said, ‘Enjoy your jizz-filled Frosty, dick,” he said, much louder now. “Your name is Richard, right?”

Now, I know you’re thinking that’s not a big deal, that he just read my father’s name off of the credit card receipt or something, but keep in mind, this was back in the days before you used a credit card to pay for something like a 12 dollar fast food meal. Credit cards were for buying sofas and 27″ TV screens. My father was clearly taken aback.

“Yes, my name is Richard.” He said, cautiously.

“Well, “Dick” is a nickname for “Richard”, isn’t it?” asked the kid whom my father had referred to as “Wendy.”

Now, this was news to my brother and I. Wendy was establishing a precedent hereby we could legally call our dad “Dick” anytime we wanted! Our respect for our father was vanishing into thin air as the seconds went by. We wondered how he was gonna pull out of this one.

“That’s true, but you didn’t call me ‘Dick.’ You called me ‘dick’. There’s a difference.”

“I’m not following you,” said Wendy. We weren’t following him either.

“Well, in the one case, you said ‘dick’, you didn’t capitalize it, so it couldn’t have been meant as a proper name. You were calling me a slang term for a penis and you know it!”

Wendy just sat there, stammering and avoiding eye contact with my father.

“Buh buh buh buh,” said Dick, mocking him. We laughed. Wendy, who was now crying, tried to make a break for it, but Dick grabbed him by his apron. “Not so fast, I think you’ve got a job to do.”

“A job?” asked Wendy, in between his sobs.

Dick motioned for us to give Wendy our jizz-filled Frosties, which he made Wendy eat right in front of us.

“Whatever this “jizz” stuff is, it must taste pretty awful!” I thought, judging by Wendy’s expression and the gagging sounds he kept making. At one point, he threw up and Dick made him scoop up the contents back into his Frosty cup and continue eating it.

A small crowd had formed around this scene, but again, this was back in the 80’s and Dick just explained he was teaching this punk kid a lesson and that was good enough for the assembled masses.

When Wendy was done, my dad brushed off his apron and told him to get back to work. Wendy went inside, defeated. As he reached the door, he called out, “Oh hey, Wendy? Just so you know, you’re gay now.”

Wendy started crying again and ran inside as the crowd cheered.

My father had won back our admiration and respect. The rest of that day, my brother and I fought over who would get to bring him his next beer or change the channel for him.

That wasn’t actually the last I saw of Wendy. I remember sneaking out for lunch during high school with some friends and there he was. Only now his nametag said “Wendy” and he was wearing a dress. Also, he was black. Maybe it wasn’t him.

Irregardless, I didn’t have the chutzpah to ask him how he knew my father’s name, that Sunday afternoon, so long ago. I can only assume it was magic.

I like to think it was though. For Dick’s sake.

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67 comments

  1. I think I can see Carrot Top’s vagina in that pic. I used to think “No f’in way!” but now I think I might tap that. She’s lookin’ pretty good these days!

  2. I don’t know where you see Carrot Top. That is the latest picture of the “real” Wendy (note the hat- this picture was taken in the office during a break in her shift). When Dave died, Wendy poured all of her grief into weightlifting and, coincidentally, gave up all meat and dairy. That is why you can see “vegina” in the picture.

  3. Eric, can we trade dad’s? Your’s sounds really great! My dad was pretty cool up until my mom died and he got chesticle implants, sex reassignment surgery, and a subscription to ‘Better Home & Gardens’. I don’t care how much he/she weeps, I refuse to call him/her Susan!!

    Also, it’s a good thing you guys didn’t drink that jizz-shake, because that shit can get you pregnant! Don’t believe me? Just ask my fiance’. She and her brother, who happens to be a DOCTOR, told me so! We’ve been dating for over 2 years, and her half-african-american baby is only 1, so, yeah! I think the black guy who works at the Arctic Circle down the street from my house is the jizz-doner. He’s in charge of making the shakes, and every time we go to eat there he gives me a dirty look, then looks at my fiance’, grabs his crotch, and starts humping the air. My fiance’ thinks its funny and always laughs, but I think it’s kinda scary!

  4. As I have stressed before, I am an expert on root-based beverages, and as such, can confirm that semen in a milkshake, or “Soylent Malts” as they are known in Bahrain can indeed cause pregnancy. I’m pretty sure that’s how it happened with that Dave guy from Oprah’s Book Club.

    And remember, Mimi, black guys don’t make babies. Black guys banging skanks make babies.

  5. Sorry, I’m not buying it. On Digg, this was listed as ‘The funniest story about Wendy’s you’ll read all day.” That’s false advertising. I read a story about the Wendy’s down the street being closed to plumbing issues. That’s much funnier than a completely fabricated story. Take no offense to this, as it’s just my own personal opinion. But I’m willing to bet that the only true part of that story is you going to Wendy’s with your dad. One of those James Frey moments where you can clearly remember every single detail from one day that happened many, many years ago. It’s OK, though. Frey got away with it so I see no reason why you shouldn’t get away with it, too.
    Really? You expect people to believe this story? Your dad called him out about jizz? He made the guy drink the frosty’s? And a crowd gathered ’round to watch while the employee consented to drinking the jizz?
    Come on, dude. Seriously. Come on.

  6. I just came in here to say what pooltop said. You , Eric, are nothing but a liar and a story-maker-upper! I hope you and James Frey enjoy your drug binges and jizz-flavored Frosties. Oh wait, you won’t! Because they’re made up!

    How dare you attempt to pass this off as an entirely factual representation of true life events (indicated at the top of the story where you wrote “Every detail of this story is 100% true, and even though it’s being posted on a comedy blog full of fictional short stories, each and every moment described herein is an exact retelling of events as they truly occurred in real life. Really, I’m not making this one up. I promise. You can trust me.”) For shame, sir. For shame!

  7. you’re dad’s a fucking asshole, and “wendy” is a huge loser for not shit kicking him in front of you little devils.

  8. I sorta feel sorry for that guy 😦 It was wrong of him to say what he did, but what that father did was horrible. That crossed the line.

  9. Thanks for wasting for 2.5 minutes of my life with your shit blog. I now feel the need to call you Wendy and jizz on your face just to get even.

  10. Not only was this story homophobic is also racist!!!! the fact he was black was clearly meant a joke since he “wasnt” the same guy. but you didnt say he was white before.. it was completely pointless comment, it didnt help the joke unless you think white is the standard for jizz eating boys…

  11. I hope you realize how wrong your father was. Those employees there arn’t there to deal with your father’s bull, they are there to make some money and serve decent customers. What your father did was make his job exceedingly difficult by harassing him FOR NO REASON. Would you go up to some random person and start harassing them? NO because some random person wouldn’t get fired for fighting back. This really is a matter of respect, and if you can’t respect the minimum-wage employees then you shouldn’t purchase their service by buying the food.

  12. oh come on, who doesn’t wanna take revenge on a employee who smarted off to a customer? But as for the rest of you guys saying the story is fake, How can you prove that it is? And how can you prove that it isn’t?

  13. I’d buy this story if ‘Dick’ was actually drunk and was trying to get revenge from being abused in the past or for just being a loser who didn’t find other way to get respect from his children than by taking advantage of a guy who was just trying to make some money for a living.

  14. So you’re in admiration of your dad for being a constant jerk to people in the service industry?

    That’s why this country is fscked, people actually encourage this behavior.

  15. all of you people who are freaking out over the genuineness of this story should report to the nearest cliff.

    just appreciate it for what it is.
    funny writing.

  16. Holy patooties, guys. Don’t you read up on your history? Jeez, Manuel, ever heard the story of the wishing well? Of COURSE Richard (or “Dichard” as I always muttered every time I shined his shoes with a dirty tampon) was drunk and pissed off.

    And yes, Booch, “fraysh” is, indeed, a hilarious word. Where, are you, Jan?

    Mr. F, I am wondering where you read anything about race in the story. I guess I am wondering because it is not there. Evidence points to the contrary. Had the worker in question been black, upon being referred to as a “punk”, he would have immediately shanked Dick with a homemade shiv. It is tradition with “those people”.
    It was Mimi Bubbles and that guy Rootbeer who made supposedly “racist” remarks. And the mere fact that race was mentioned does not mean the statements were racist, however insensitive they were. The fact that I understand this makes me clearly superior to you in all respects. As for hompophobia, I do not think that it is homophobic to point out that drinking semen makes you gay. Facts are facts, my good man.

    Irregardless, I don’t think it’s nice to be mean to fast food workers. Seriously, guys.

  17. Even though this is fake, the premise is absolutely horrible. Why would you want to fuck with people who have one of the worst jobs around. Doing menial tasks for minimum wage is a shitty way to spend your life, but taking shit from assholes because they think it’s funny shouldn’t be part of the deal. Fucker.

  18. You’re god damn right these newbie’s won’t mess with me anymore Eric! It’s like we say in MY house, if Mimi ain’t happy, nobody’s happy, and if you fuck with him(or if you just happen to be black), he’ll call the cops and say he knows that you are cooking meth in your bathtub! Seriously, that’s why 9 different families have lived in the house next door in just 2 years.

    upyourface, thanks for pointing out that my earlier post was probably just insensitive, and not racist. I’m glad you got my back! But to be honest, while it wasn’t exactly racist, there was hatred behind it. I think that EVERYONE is inferior to me. Blacks, whites, native-alaskan’s, asians, blacks, and that fucking Tiger Woods! What the hell is that dumb bastard anyway? Pick a side Tiger! The only people that even come close to my greatness are Eric, Scott Baio(the actor, not the hollywoodphony regular), Pit-Pat, Karl “The Mailman” Malone, and Scott Baio(the hollywoodphony regular).

  19. Dear Mr. F,

    I must apologize to you for my misstatement. There was indeed aracial component inserted into the end of the story. I guess I just didn’t see it because I am colorblind.

    It probably would have been more realistic if the last “Wendy” was Mexican. That’s what tipped ME off that the story was a fake.

  20. oh wow.. i just realized you decided to re-label this crap now that you got some attention.. way to go, loser. the good thing is that diggtards will forget about this in about two days, but fuck you and dick anyway..

  21. You referred to Wendy being black in a derogatory manor. So in addition to the homophobia element of this story, the racism is sad.

  22. Ok, listen up digg morons!

    I was the one who threw a black person into the mix. If any of you digger idiots used something besides your mouths to breathe, you would have the oxygen neccessary to keep brain cells alive and well, making it much easier to think about things OTHER than Miley Cyrus’ AWFUL outfit on American Idol last night!

    I’m not a racist either. In my little blurb, the only reason I made the baby-daddy a black man was because everyone who normally posts here understands that I am a stupid honkey cracker. See, that’s what makes it silly! It’s called self-deprecation. Look it up!

    Fucking Diggers.

    That is all.

  23. Dear Sandy,

    I know that you will prolly never read this because you have enlightened us with your wisdom, and are now busy saving the world elsewhere, one blog at a time. I just wanted to mention that there is nothing wrong in referring to Wendy the black person in a Derogatory Manor because it was actually quite a stately mansion, and all of the counter help who were enslaved on the plantation were treated quite well. As a matter of fact no slave ever tried to escape Derogatory Manor and upon the abolition of slavery, not a single freed slave left for greener pastures.

    And you people think you have problems. Have you ever seen me? Do you not think that a pansexual Pillsbury Dough Boy clone turns some heads when I go into the bank? If you think your white guilt is bad, Sandy, just turn down the pigment about 50 notches. I don’t even want to talk about that time my flashlight broke and I had to walk through the projects carrying a torch.

    And Meems, it WAS Eric who said something about a black person first. You and I just glossed over it because we saw it as absurd and funny, and didn’t even really look at it as racial just stupid (by design, I might add. Another job well done, mon capitain- the fact that so many people don’t get it is one of the testaments to its greatness). It was you, and then I who made those slanderous remarks about African American husbandry.

    Shame on us for implying that people of colr have the bility to procreate. How larmingly ignorant of us. I’d just like to take this opportunity to apologize to Reverends Jackson and Sharpton, and I hope they accept my apology on behalf of “those people”. While I’m at it, I might as well apologize to that faggot Rosie too.

    Sorry, Rosie! ;-D

  24. Shit, Pit-Pat, you are correct! I will be the first to state that I probably look like a big hypocritical idiot! If I wasn’t a total sociopath, and had feelings and emotions like a normal person, I guess I would be feeling pretty awkward and embarrased right now?

    Thank goodness I’m fucking empty inside! Well, until we talk again folks! I’m gonna go punch a baby animal.

  25. Like I said, on the serious tip, I didn’t even notice the first time I read it. Then when the Net Marshalls started caling foul, I went through it again and didn’t notice. It took a third read through for me to catch it. I’ll bet that’s how Hitler started out. Real subtle-like. Then he just crept up real slow, and…POUNCE!

    Like I saidbefore, kinda smartass like, but I was really f’realz, I think it’s because we didn’t notice that Wendy #2 was black, we just noticed that she was DIFFERENT than Wendy #1. That is because we are innately drawn to humour. As Eric pointed out, most people who comment on these things are nutsacks (not you, dear, dear loyal reader), and nutsacks are innately drawn to controversy.

    But I still think that “different” people are lazy.

  26. Ok, I’m a little late to this party, but, still, holy shit. The comments here. Are people REALLY this fucking stupid? In America??

    Oh, wait, right. It’s America.

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