I’m an addict

snowball.jpg

Well, first of all, I want to apologize.

I haven’t posted in a while.

First, I got sick with some sort of stupid cold, but my real sickness is my addiction.

I am addicted to Snowball.

What is that, you ask? Some sort of new drug craze sweeping our nation’s suburban youth?

If only it were that easy to cure!

No, friends, “Snowball” is an animated computer game you play in your web browser. Brought to you by “The Plain Dealer”, which I guess is some sort of newspaper for hicks or something?

Anyway, if this all sounds like sorcery to you, maybe they can explain it better:

Welcome to Snowball!, The Plain Dealer’s online game where you’re the grounds crew and snow threatens the Cleveland Indians’ home opener. Use the arrow keys on your keyboard or the buttons on the game to move the tarp out as low clouds bring snow, and back in again as the snow goes away.

Don’t let the field get too wet or the ump will call the game. But don’t leave the tarp out too long or there won’t be enough time to finish!

Sounds like a blast, doesn’t it? Can you imagine a more exciting premise for a game that you play on the internet?

That’s what I thought! Seventeen hours later, I’m not really sure what I think anymore. And why is my fucking sweater so goddam itchy?

I’m rolling the tarp in, I’m rolling it out! Here come the snowflakes! Someone yells, “Kill the ump!” Where the fuck am I??

I’ll tell you where I am. Cleveland. Home of the Indians. And sweaters that are super-irritating to your skin.

If you get hooked too, you’ll notice the snow comes and goes almost at random. Just like in real life! What the hell is this thing made out of? Pine cones?? Oh sure, they tell you that “low clouds bring snow”, but then again, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes high clouds bring in snow. Or no clouds at all. Sometimes low clouds makes the invisible baseball team score a run or two. Who keeps banging on my door?

Sometimes I think I’ve mastered the whole thing and then I’ll lose before the third goddam inning. Plus, I took my fucking sweater off like 20 minutes ago. How the hell could it still be itching me???

Fuck THANK you, John Kroll! And fuck THANK your Satanic Shockwave game from hell for jerks. And fuck THANK you to the Devil Worshippers at Old Navy for making the itchiest goddam sweaters on the fucking earth and Cleveland.

Holy shit, I’m going back on disability. St[tp knowcking otn my dooro i hear you alrdeaydy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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15 comments

  1. Eric, I’m worried about you. That’s why your maother and I have brought in Jeff VanVonderen here to help out.

  2. Eric, first off I wanna tell you that I see a room ful of people here that love you like crazy, and they miss you and they want you back, and we’re just here to ask you to join in the fight to save your life. So we’re gonna say what we have to say, then you get a chance to say what you have to say, and then we’re done. Sound okay?

  3. Dear, Eric.

    You’re addiction has affected my life negatively in the following ways: You never update your website anymore, and now instead of slacking off at work and typing stupid comments to your blog entries, I have to do actual work. Do you know how that makes me feel? Not very good. Also, I miss your wonderful videos about talking ventriloquist dummies and pooping on yourself. I know I have not been the best help for you, but I just didn’t know any better. However, if you continue to play Snowball or whatever the fuck it’s called, our relationship will change in the following ways: I will no longer read your blog and make desperate attempts to get you to acknowledge my existence by responding to one of my lame comments. I can lo longer allow you around my children, because they too may turn into internet video game addicts and get all fat and then I’ll have to stop loving them too. At least that would be the case if I actually had kids. Finally, I will no longer send you envelopes full of cash each week as I have been, since this is only enabling your habit. Hopefully without this ample supply of free money, you will no longer be able to afford the internet. You have been getting those enveleopes, right? Anyhoo, Eric, will you get help and go to treatment today?

  4. Dear Eric,

    My life has also been adversely affected by your addiction too. There’s nobody here to keep the comments going. You’re barely able to free yourself long enough to stop an old-fashioned internet lynching. Some of these people try really hard to be funny and witty, but without you, they’re nothing. And I can’t take that. All my joy is gone. Gone to……..Snowball. I don’t know why you don’t understand that you’re needed here. You’re important here. Snowball won’t give you everything your blog will give you. If you only knew the joy your blog has given me. Sure, you hear that from everybody, but you, me–and your blog–we had something special. Before you found the beast that is Snowball, when I commented, you responded. Now I never get to experience the joy of you and your blog. I mean, I’ve been saying “Hi” to Scott for months, but he can’t connect the dots. You can read my heart like an open book. Your huge blog, with it’s unexpected twists and turns, has been my addiction. Please, come back home.

  5. Don’t let all those assholes make you feel bad about yourself. They aren’t really your friends. You know I’m your only friend. Here, have another snowball. It’s OK. just a little one. I’m having one, too, see. Now doesn’t that feel better. just let it wash over you. That’s right.

    ..And like a bridge over troubled waters..

  6. Dear Scott Baio,

    Jesus? What are you, blind or something? Would you just go ahead and bang Ginger already? How many hints does she have to drop? Fuck! Somebody needs a stupidity intervention…

    Anyway, Eric, I take your silence to mean you do not wish to seek treatment for your problem. So the intervention must continue. Who’s next?

  7. Okay, everybody. We can all breathe a collective sigh of relief now, I suppose. Eric has confirmed that he does not in fact have a problem, so we can call off the intervention. Man, I was getting worried there for a second, I went ahead and fired Mr. VanVonderen for making inappropriate comments about my sex life and my intelligen-… I mean, because Eric is okay and will not require his assistance any more. Crisis averted!

    Hi, Ginger!

  8. Dear Eric,

    You are in a commonly known state of denial. You have got to get control of your addictions. Please, watch the video. Try to understand the pain and confusion you cause those around you. The comments alone will show you confused we all are by this….this THING that has hold of you.

    Hi, Lover! And don’t be so freaking naive. Our friend is suffering. And you are acting like an enabler.

    rooty–I called the cops on you. So watcha’ gonna’ do?

  9. Dear Eric,

    You’re a jerk welcome!

    And there’s always at least one low cloud when it starts to snow. Maybe you need to play Snowball another few hundred times to get the full flavor of it.

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