I love manatees!

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I’ve got manatee fever! If there’s a cure, I don’t want it!

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12 comments

  1. Wow. Your sister is hideous. Still, she is your sister and you shouldn’t be calling her “manatee”. Unless, of course, she’s wearing that shirt. Hasn’t anyone told her not to wear horizontal stripes? I see the neck beard runs in the family. By the way, a little powder would get rid of that shine for you.

  2. My mom “adopted” me a manatee one year for my birthday. I forgive her because she’s floridian, but I had to call the manatee and tell him to stop sending me updates on his life because I really did not care.

  3. I ran over a manatee in my speedboat one time. It really scratched up the hull kinda bad, and there was some blood and stuff. That would have been the extent of the damage to my sweet boat, but I also had to buy a new propeller, because my old one got chipped on manatee skull or whatever when I went back to run it over again. What can I say? I’ve got anger issues. Especially if you’re a fat sea cow that dings my boat.

  4. Not to ba accusatory, I think you may be making that story up, Scott. Unless you have a very old aluminum-hulled speedboat, I don’t know how a manatee could have “dinged” it. Most boat hulls are made of fiberglass, which does not ding, it shatters and splinters. I know this because of that time I hit a harp seal wth my Corvette. It was just sitting there in the road, and wouldn’t move. What a prick. The lawsuit against his estate is still pending, but I’m sure that God is on my side, and justice will prevail.

  5. Doubt me, will you?! Your definiton of the word “ding” may differ from mine, sir, but I do not make things up. And aluminum boats are for rednecks and coastal town dwellers (not mutually exclusive), not successful corporate worker bees such as myself. See below for evidence:

    I’ll expect your written apology on my desk by close of business today.

  6. I stand corrected.

    Sorry about your bruised boat hull. Maybe as some form of apology, I can send my friend Raoul over to buff your boat hull. Raoul can do wonders with a boat hull. He cleans mine practically every day, There’s nothing quite like a perfectly smooth boat hull.

    Maybe in return you can recommend an attorney for my lawsuit.

    And, once again, I would like to apologize for calling you a liar. You communist.

  7. Oh she’s a beaut alright. Now where did you find her? She’s a super shiny one, that’s what you want. Had one a couple three years back, called her Rumpshaker. After the way she would shake her cute little flippertail every time I got in the bathtub with her and started soaping her down. Have you got a jar of vaseline, oh it’s great stuff for em, just maybe a little dab or at least a whole jar just to keep her sheened up, also turtle wax is great so if it rains *wink wink* she’s going to dry up nice, believe me. I assume you’re keeping her in the family bathtub; now I also assume you’re not going to keep her in there forever. Once you’ve done all you can do with her, showed her off to family and friends, took all the pictures you’re gonna take, that’s when you’ll want to start the marinating. May I respectfully suggest a whiskey sauce, delicious, make you wish you had about three or four more of her. Plus you know you’ll sleep good afterward. Listen, keep her in the sauce for oh, just maybe about six or seven and a half days, then hide and wait til she goes to sleep, be real quiet, have yourself a rope ready, hoist to showerhead. The trick is to make it look like she done herself in, that way the kids don’t suspect daddy’s a violent shit-for-brains. Then let THEM find her hanging there just to make sure you’re in the clear. You’ll have worked up quite an appetite by now boss. Listen, do the cooking on the grill outside. I had to learn this the hard way. I had crocodiles and orcas all over the neighborhood trying to make their way into my windows at night, smelling that smell? But I picked me up one of those spinfresh jobbies you use on your toilet paper holder to get rid of the smell; that or try a couple of those lilac scented stick-ups if you do run into problems, god’s gift to air. *You’re welcome.*

  8. Jan Brady, you sick fuck! I have read some messed up posts before in my life, but that one takes the cake! I am both revolted and ashamed for having read that, and I hope that the good Lord takes it easy on you on Judgment Day (starring Arnold Schwarzenegger), but he is an angry and vengeful god, so good luck with that.

    Seriously, everyone knows you marinate manatee in sweet marsala wine. You disgust me! Whiskey sauce? Sweet Christ, what were you thinking?

  9. Hm, sweet marsala wine, huh? Never heard of it. Sounds quite delicious.

    Yeah, ol’ god’s a tiger. Mean as a buster. I guess that was quite a crime, eating that whole Rumpshaker all by myself. Thanks for the wake-up call, Scotty Baio.

    Heck, I’m feeling kind of dirty now. Guilty. I’ve spanked myself three times thinking about it. Maybe I thought he was one of them t-1000 robots? He did look like he was made of liquid metal, all shiny? And maybe I thought…just for a minute…that I…that I was…The Terminator. II. Holy leather-clad androids, that’s it. Forgive me lord for I knew not what I did.

  10. Forget the marinade you sillyheads, everyone and their dog knows that manatee tastes best with Abramowitz Co. ‘Black People Brand Hot Sauce’. You don’t even have to be of African descent to enjoy that shit!(but it helps)

    Speaking of dogs, the hot sauce also tastes wonderful when poured over barbequed day old puppies! Hoooowheeeee!

  11. Just puting a little reminder out there. My “first mate” Raoul wil be available for the next couple of days if anybody needs their hull done.

    I’ve had him polishing my dinghy for the past couple of days, and he shined it up so nicely I thought I’d give him a little reward and let him have a little shore leave.

    Next week he says he’s going to show me a more efficient way to pump my bilge. Wonderful seaman, that Raoul.

  12. Hey, Rooty, I don’t know what the hell you think you’re doing stealing my avatar, my boyfriend, and my awful, awful puns.

    It is very embarrassing when you make a mistake like that and I have to cover your ass. Scason feels my pain.

    Hi, Meemers!
    I just adore the Black People Brand(tm), but it has corn sweeteners in it, so during the high holidays I always use “Rastus P. Dolemite’s Atomic Hebonic Jew Rub(r)”. It’s excellent on ribs!

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