When the hell…

…did Chester Cheetah turn into such a dick??

Seriously, watch this video.

Am I missing something here? At least in the laundry one, that lady was being kinda snotty, but this guy just wants to keep his own personal property neat and tidy.

Aren’t we guaranteed that rights, as Americans? And does this really make anyone want to buy snacks?

How did this happen? My memory isn’t perfect, but the last ad campaign he was in, I seem to recall Mr. Cheetah wearing roller blades, spouting a bland amalgam of faux-skater catchphrases like “aggro” and “radical”.

Sure, he was annoying, but he wasn’t an asshole.

Not only is this advocating vandalism, but I think it might actually be pretty close to a hate crime.

Would “Jeff” be so cavalier about defacing his co-worker’s property if the man in question wasn’t so fay?

I feel like I should make some joke here about this not being as bad as the one where Capt. Crunch raped that sailor, but we’re all adults, right? I’ll just skip it.


  1. It’s true, Eric, that Chester Cheetah was not originally such an asshole. While he did enjoy being a mild public nuisance by riding his skateboard in public, he was mostly harmless. Mr. Cheetah did not have his first real taste of trouble until he turned 22 years old, at which point he was arrested and sentenced to five years in prison for the statutory rape of a 14 year old boy. This is where he earned his now legendary nickname “Chester the Molester.” We all know what happens to child molesters in prison, and Chester was no exception to this rule. Five long years of humiliation and anal rape have turned his soul dark and evil. He now enjoys exploiting the fears and phobias of others. It’s his own sadistic way of making up for what happened to him in prison, where his habit of sexually assaulting unsuspecting young lads was revisited upon him tenfold by his cellmate Chucko and his gang of musclebound cronies.

    Chucko would later comment that on negative thing about banging Chester in the ass was that it would turn his penis turn orange.

  2. A similar campaign has been used before with a different product . This one has been much more succesful, if not tasteful, than the early seventies ads featuring the NuChem ChemLab, Inc. mascot, Cassidy the Sulfuric Acidy. Ever heard of NuChem ChemLab, Inc.? Right.

    It’s almost as bad as that time a sailor raped my Cap’n Crunch.

  3. Cheetahs can go 65 miles per hour. You will never catch them and they know this. Watch out for them. I used to know one named Tiberius. He would taunt me so much, making faces at me, tailgate me, try to get me in races with him, laugh at my slow speeds. Then, if you looked at him straight in his slit, green eyes, he would get psychological with you, get behind your right shoulder, then when you look back, he had moved to your left shoulder, then back to your right shoulder, then to the left, meanwhile your head is spinning back and forth back and forth to infinite. Cheetahs are like pumas in that way, they will be fabulous assholes to you, just to watch as you keep on chasing them until you drop panting on the ground, never quite able to catch up, though you do try, don’t you. Only to see them look back at you with a sneer.

    I knew Chester Cheetah was getting worse and worse when he came out with those flaming hot cheetos, that was just so obvious. I don’t really think there’s much anyone can do about it now though, his ego is just so out of control.

    (*flings a cheeto at Scott Baio*)

  4. What a coincidence! I know a guy named Jayson who certainly rates my interest!

    Yes, one has to be careful on these blogonets. There are lots of unscrupulous ID thieves out there. Mostly Mexicans trying to get roofing and drywalling jobs. It’s pretty sad, really, when you stop to think about it. I mean, if they are going to be Mexican, they don’t have to be so racist about it. Fucking beaners.

  5. Hi, Scott!

    It’s particularly tough on those of us who use refreshment-influenced literary devices. I can’t figure out who keeps stealing my identity, but I’m pretty sure he/she is some sort of tranny.

  6. Dear god, I just realized the amount of gay innuendo I have been using around here, LOL!! I have been throwing it around like crazy, have probably convinced some folks I am a gay man attempting to snare some straight boy sex here at Eric’s blog?/! Holy bachelor pad Batman, I definitely use a bunch of gay rhetoric, do I not, leaving no double entendre unturned, sparing no triple meaning-ed lyric…heavens I don’t think I could do better if I tried! Yet it kills me to think that if I was a gay boy though, like is hollywoodphony like a great place to hook up or something??? If so I’ll let all my gay guy friends know, I think they usually go to websites where there is more of a sure thing going on. My remarks about cheetahs, pumas, tailgating, and sceptor I have reread with so much laughter!! (And gaiety, if I dare!) Let it be known heretofore that straight girls do enjoy the sceptor as much as gay men (well, maybe not *quite as much* as gay men, ha ha 🙂 but definitely bunches 🙂 I have just been typing stuff away like crazy without a thought as to sexual identity. If I have offended anyone with this post, please just consider it typos!

  7. Hey, Eric. In my acting role as your personal internet watchdog, I have discovered someone you might wanna consider suing for copyright infringement and general idea-stealing:


    If you are in need of legal representation, let me know. I have forwarded this information on to my attorney, Phineas J. Turtlebottom, Esq.

  8. Scott Baio,
    Thanks for pointing that out. I think it’s reasonable to assume that this is just someone who had a similar reaction to seeing this commercial and came to some of the same conclusions.
    However, I am not a reasonable person, so I feel that I was blatantly ripped off. Perhaps it’s because they are jealous of the fact that I just shot a national commercial?

  9. Pingback: cheap ego-t

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