No blog tonight!

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I’m at the Oscars.

Let me know if you see me, if you’re watching at home.

I’m probably not going to win, but it’s still a huge honor to be nominated.

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8 comments

  1. Some things I’ve always wondered. When you are in a large room with that many hollywood beloveds, can you actually hear a hissing noise as the air is sucked into the enourmous collective vacuum of their heads? Can you actually smell the sense of self importance in the room? Has Sally Field figured out yet that we really DON’T like her?

    And how was Michael Moore’s neck beard?

    Oh, and by the way, sorry you lost out on that lifetime achievement award. I really thought that you deserved it more than any of the other nominees, but at least they gave it to the next most deserving candidate (you feelin’ me, Hillary?) . I would have been pissed if it had been anyone else but Sondra Locke.

  2. No, Pit-Pat, that’s not correct, although I understand your confusion. The Lifetime Achievement Award was not given to Sondra Locke, but Sandra Bul-lock. I hear the award was based solely on her groundbreaking performance in Speed 2: Cruise Control, but I have a feeling that the buzz from her upcoming turn in the third installment of the Speed trilogy, Speed 3: Tom Cruise Control, was also a contributing factor. Recreating the role of Annie, Bullock finds herself aboard Tom Cruise’s fleeting sanity, and if the paparazzi take below 55 pictures per hour of him, Katie, and Suri (that’s apiece, not collectively), a bunch of volcanoes will explode at the behest of Lord Xenu and destroy Scientology or something crazy like that. Then Keanu Reeves goes, “Whoah.” It’s gonna be a winner!

    Or maybe she won for her role in Hope Floats. You know what doesn’t float? The DVD of that movie. I know because I flushed it down the toilet. The folks at Blockbuster were none too pleased.

  3. So cool to find another person who felt Sandra Bullock’s performance in Speed 2 was groundbreaking! A little known fact, kindred spirit, is that she fashioned that performance after Sondra Locke’s performance driving the empty bus in The Gauntlet (another tearjerker!)

    My pick is still Eric though…that suit is just dynamite – (is it brown?) No but I think our boy is going to pull it out this time. (*crossing fingers, eyes tightly shut, lips moving in the lord’s prayer*)

  4. Hey, Eric. I’m a little confused about something, so I thought you might want to clear it up before someone accuses you of being a liar. Was that picture of you taken last night when you were dressed up to go to the Oscars? I ask because there has been a suspiciously similar picture of you at the top of your “best of Hollywood Phony” page for a few years now. There could be several explanation for this, all of which I will outline now for your convenience:

    1. You are indeed a dirty liar, you did not go to the Oscars last night, and you did not shave your tragic neck beard (which, by the way, is really not workin’ for you, pal. Surprised no one has mentioned that to you). Instead, you just re-posted some picture of yourself from your younger, better looking days in order to dupe us innocent readers into thinking you are way cooler than you really are. Say it ain’t so!

    2. You did indeed go to the Oscars last night, but the limo you were sharing with Kirsten Dunst had to leave immediately after you posted to your blog, so there was no time to pose for a new picture (especially since Kirsten insisted on stopping at the dentist before the ceremony in order to fix her weird little yellow corn teeth). You instead posted an older picture of you dressed up nice to communicate the fact that you were lookin’ sharp and ready to paint the town! I find this much more plausible than #1. Why? Because I’m stupid.

    3. You did indeed go to the Oscars, and you did indeed take that picture last night. Maybe that suit is your favorite, or maybe it’s the only one you own. And your great success in life, along with all of the obvious paparazzi attention you’ve garnered throughout your storied career, has allowed you to craft the perfect red carpet pose. We’ve all seen Paris Hilton on the red carpet with her patented pose: hand on one hip, head tilted just so, that one eye extra lazy. Well, Eric has one too, and it’s called “the grotesque Dillard’s mannequin.” That explains the similarity between the two pics. Just as plausible as reason #2.

    4. I am dreaming this whole thing. Eric Filipkowski and his blog do not exist in the real world, and neither do these things called the Oscars. Think about it. If the Oscars really existed, wouldn’t Sylvester Stallone have one several for his masterful turn in the title role of the classic film Oscar? It makes too much sense not to be true!

    The ball is in your court, sir, and I eagerly await your reply. But, no matter what the answer, please know that you have now and forever broken my heart!

  5. Scott Baio, while according to discreet particle quantum physics, number 4 is technically correct, the truth is, I am just really good at posing for pictures in the exact same position as a prior picture. I can honestly say that if I’m not the world’s best, I’m in the top 3. Without hyperbole. You seem to have a good eye for detail, so if you want to try and spot the differences, have at it, bro.

  6. In a world where #4 was actually the truth, the awards would have still been awarded to Sylvester Stallone (or “Sly” as I like to call him just before he punches me in the face), but they would be called “Cobrys”.

    Hi, Scott.

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