A new day has come!

tots-794649.jpg

Seriously, I was this close to calling the whole thing quits.

Then I wandered into my friendly, neighborhood Burger King.

Cheesy Tots?” I thought, looking up at a menu item I hadn’t noticed before, “Well, something like that is probably for breakfast only, and it’s nearly 2 pm!”

Nope. Available all day, the sign informed me.

What the hell, why not, right?

I’ve never been to the Sistine Chapel, but I’ve had its artwork explode in my mouth like a can of paint in an industrial-size microwave oven normally used to cook 300 eggs at once for the Army.

Trust me, they’re not just “tater tots with cheese.”

There’s something else going on there. Something I can’t quite put my finger on. To me, they tasted like fried macaroni and cheese.

My girlfriend laughed at me when I told her this. She laughed in a scornful manner. So I broke up with her. I didn’t have the guts to tell her to her face, so I just took off while she was in the can.

I tell you what, though. There will be no laughing when I make a new girlfriend out of Burger King Cheesy Tots!

I’ve even got a clever name for her: Cheesy Jefferson. Like Weezy from the Jeffersons, get it? Bah! That’s gold. You’re just not in the business like me, so you don’t even know.

The best part about all this? They’re good for you!

(Pay attention to this part, gals!) They’re only 35 calories for a box of 6! And that’s only 3 grams of fat! No saturated fats, no trans fats! Technically, that qualifies as health food. That’s better than broccoli, motherfuckers!

So, in summation, I have found the perfect food and now that I finally have a girlfriend who respects me and loves me for who I am and isn’t just using me because I’m rich, nothing will stop me from my goal of total self-actualization!

We did it, Cheesy! We did it, baby!

(Also, on a serious note, please go out and buy these right away. Burger King has a habit of canceling under performing menu items without really giving them a chance to catch on. Even if you hate cheese or you’re not hungry, just do it. Only, if you don’t like them, promise me you won’t give them to any homeless people or something. It only encourages them to be lazy. Thanks!)

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20 comments

  1. Eric, give me some of your tots.

    Yes! I did it! I would like to thank everyone who stood behind me and gave me the courage to be the first person ever in the history of the world to quote the obscure film Napoleon Dynamite. It’s about time someone gave this excellent movie some due respect by quoting one of its many hilarious lines. You should all be ashamed of yourselves for not having thought of this first! Gosh!

    By the way, Eric, they actually have fried mac and cheese at TGI Fridays. If you can make it through a whole meal at that place without shooting yourself in the head, you should give it a try!

  2. I have had that fried macaroni and cheese and it is amazing. The thing about the cheesy tots is, though, that I can just go through the drive thru any time I want and park somewhere and just stuff my face and cry myself to sleep while the hose from the exhaust does its magic.

  3. I was so excited halfway through your latest masterpiece to find you’re available…(not to mention rich!) Then my excitement fizzled to a halt in the last sentence to find you’re not into homeless chicks. That sucks because I live right outside a BK too. And my pet name on the street is cheesytot.

    p.s. As an aside: Have you thought of maybe taking a few people out with ya before ya go E? It might be worth considering. (I think it’s sort of passe to go out alone now, kinda old fashioned?) Something to think about.

  4. Tell you what, I’ll send you my portfolio, you can tell me what you think of my tots, we’ll go from there. Maybe you could hop a bus to Ohio. BUT. You’d need to tone down the humor a bit, though. Laughing makes me itchy and nervous. It makes me spit out my food.

  5. Whoah! Laughing Makes Me Itchy and Nervous is the name of my sweet new emo band. Check out our new EP Cheese-Filled Death Nuggets available exclusively on iTunes.

    The “i” in “iTunes” stands for imaginary.

  6. The outrage is that this menu item was not properly credited to Kanye West. For his development, or at least awareness of this delicious recipe, he should receive two Grammys(tm), The Heismann Trophy(r), a Pink Cadillac(r) from Mary Kay Cosmetics(tm), and the blue ribbon from Miss Purgason’s fifth grade class(c) speling bee.

    But he won’t, Because The King(tm) doesn’t care about black people(r).

    This whole thing is probably part of another of The Man’s vast conspiracy(sm). Like the time they took away our Whoppers(tm).

  7. Wait, are you talking about Whoppers the hamburgers or Whoppers the candy? Because Whoppers the burgers are delicious and belong to the world. Whoppers the candy, however, are disgusting. Black people can have those, if you ask me.

  8. I was talking about that night after the Spring Cotillion when Miss Elizabeth Ann had too many Mint Juleps, and we hitched up her bloomers and spent the next seven hours giving her the Mandingo root.

    Well, needless to say (then why am I saying it?), Colonel Felchmore stormed in with a few of his men early the next morning, and boy, did they take our whoppers that day. It kind of made what could have been a wonderful memory somewhat bittersweet.

    So, if that’s what you mean by candy, Scott, I guess not ALL black people can have those, whether or not you are consulted, at least according to the Colonel. And if that is indeed what you mean, I think that your statement is at the very least a tad bigoted.

    Oh, and Ginger says hi.

  9. Yeah, she says that a lot.

    And tell Miss Elizabeth Ann to stay away from the Mint Juleps. That drink didn’t get the nickname “Kentucky Fried Date Rape Surprise” because it tastes like semen. Even though it does.

  10. Sometimes I suck at pink stuff, But only if it is well manicured, and doesn’t reek of mint julep. And I understand that the politically correct term for white persons these days is “non-urban individual”.

    Coincidentally, “Strawberry Whoppers for White People” is the city motto of the town of Bartlesville, OK. Something about being the pennicillin capitol of the midwest.

  11. (blush, giggle)…pit pat?! I am saving my strawberry whoppers for Colonel Felchmore’s arrival in town or I might be quite teased by your blue references!*
    *note to self: (Although why would he care whether my yard is well-manicured or not? Weird. Oh, these online predatarys and their bizarre sexual fetisheses. Frankly, it is not a lick of anyone’s business what my damn lawn looks like. For the record, Chemlawn has been here and gone, I had a butterfly problem as well as some pesky hummingbirds and grasshopsters trying to take over, eat up all my sea crabs I keep out there. The professionals have got things under control.)
    Now let us usher our mind from the gutter and back to Eric’s blog. All this talkin’ tuna’s not going to put cheesy tots and nerve pills on the table.

  12. Anyone else remember that show M.A.N.T.I.S.? It was about a paralyzed African-American doctor who built a powerful exo-skeleton that let him walk and fight crime?The exo-skeleton’s power came from a modified fuel-tank full of Whoppers(the candy). That’s right, the exo-skeleton was powered by Whoppers! It was also the doctors favorite thing in the world. When he stopped crime and somebody would want to give him a money reward, he would always say his famous catchphrase, “We fine, just gimme some Whoppas, you dig?”

    Man, that was a good show.

  13. For reals though…w’sup Baio? Is there something you’re not telling us? Something we need to know? (*cracks knuckles, twists neck to the side, grabs cement-filled rubber chicken from the closet) You been takin mandigo roots on us all this time? Is Fonzie in on this?

  14. I confess I never saw the original M.A.N.T.I.S. But did you see the 188th episode in the tenth season directed by author/auteur Judy Blume called “Are you There God, It’s Me M.A.N.T.I.S.” In it, M.A.N.T.I.S. has a dream he is a 13 year old preteen girl again, and certain changes begin to take place in his body. First and foremost is the the whopper-powered fuel tank, which is transformed from chocolate to pink whoppers and his voice begins to soften and become higher pitched. He then wakes from the drea

  15. (stupid windows pc at my friends house)

    -am to find that the pink whopper fuel tank is actually a clone fuel tank sent down from the planet Vogon. Then the pink whopper fuel tank challenges the chocolate whopper fuel tank to a duel and a battle is waged between good and yucky. I won’t go into the outcome because of spoilers but the first part of this episode ends in a cliffhanger.

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