Seriously, I was this close to calling the whole thing quits.
Then I wandered into my friendly, neighborhood Burger King.
“Cheesy Tots?” I thought, looking up at a menu item I hadn’t noticed before, “Well, something like that is probably for breakfast only, and it’s nearly 2 pm!”
Nope. Available all day, the sign informed me.
What the hell, why not, right?
I’ve never been to the Sistine Chapel, but I’ve had its artwork explode in my mouth like a can of paint in an industrial-size microwave oven normally used to cook 300 eggs at once for the Army.
Trust me, they’re not just “tater tots with cheese.”
There’s something else going on there. Something I can’t quite put my finger on. To me, they tasted like fried macaroni and cheese.
My girlfriend laughed at me when I told her this. She laughed in a scornful manner. So I broke up with her. I didn’t have the guts to tell her to her face, so I just took off while she was in the can.
I tell you what, though. There will be no laughing when I make a new girlfriend out of Burger King Cheesy Tots!
I’ve even got a clever name for her: Cheesy Jefferson. Like Weezy from the Jeffersons, get it? Bah! That’s gold. You’re just not in the business like me, so you don’t even know.
The best part about all this? They’re good for you!
(Pay attention to this part, gals!) They’re only 35 calories for a box of 6! And that’s only 3 grams of fat! No saturated fats, no trans fats! Technically, that qualifies as health food. That’s better than broccoli, motherfuckers!
So, in summation, I have found the perfect food and now that I finally have a girlfriend who respects me and loves me for who I am and isn’t just using me because I’m rich, nothing will stop me from my goal of total self-actualization!
We did it, Cheesy! We did it, baby!
(Also, on a serious note, please go out and buy these right away. Burger King has a habit of canceling under performing menu items without really giving them a chance to catch on. Even if you hate cheese or you’re not hungry, just do it. Only, if you don’t like them, promise me you won’t give them to any homeless people or something. It only encourages them to be lazy. Thanks!)