California sucks


OK, I know you’ve probably heard a million awful stand up comics complain about the traffic, so get ready for that to be 1,000,001.

If you don’t live in LA, you probably have no idea what the hell a “sig alert” is.

And if you live in LA, you probably have no idea what the hell a “sigalert” is.

Ostensibly, a sigalert is some sort of ‘alert’ notifying you that there is an accident on one of the freeways causing a delay in traffic.

There are so many things wrong with this, I’m not really sure where to start.

I’ve probably driven through 100 sigalerts in my short 8 or 9 years out here (I know!). If you’re thinking this was marked by a period of heavier than usual traffic congestion, you must be a naive hayseed from the sticks who thinks Universal Studios is actually in Hollywood. LOL!

The traffic here sucks. All the time. Seriously.

Sigalert. No sigalert. It’s all the same shit.

From 6 am to 8 pm, it sucks. It’s awful. There are hour-long pockets in there where it’s “not terrible” but these are mostly random occurrences.

You might be driving along and suddenly traffic will come to a standstill and you’ll think, “oh shit, there must be an accident!” Nope.

Sometimes it’s a cop on the side of the road. Sometimes it’s nothing more than one of those traffic signs from L.A. Story actually doing nothing more than being on and saying, “Drive Safely.” Sometimes it’s nothing! Seriously!

Yes, traffic may suck where you are, but trust me, here it is worse. Why? Because there’s no alternatives. You can’t take the bus anywhere. Riding a bike is suicide. Walking? Good luck in a city spread out like this.

“Don’t forget Metrolink!”

Shut up.

Not to mention the cottage industry of “traffic watch” and “traffic cam” and “traffic doppler 5000” all these assholes on the news are always hawking.

Yeah, cuz tons of people are watching the news while they’re at work.

And hey, thanks for letting me know it’s gonna take me an extra hour to get home, because really, I’m sure there’s a way around that where I can take an alternative route to save time! What? No? Oh, OK… cool.

So, in summation, this place sucks and the sigalert and whoever invented it or coined the phrase or whatever can go to hell.

And what’s the deal with airline food?


  1. You know, you should count your blessings. Here, there are NEVER traffic “jams”. There’s never a slow-down. There’s always a way around whatever may be slowing you down–and it’ll only take 5 extra minutes to go the way around. There’s never an excuse, “Oh, I’m 45 minutes late because there was a sigalert.”. I mean really. What is up with that? You can’t put make-up on in the car, you certainly don’t have any time to make phone calls. Sex while driving?? You know, it would be out of the question if only the sex lasted more than 4 minutes. I’m having to suck down the cigarette on the way into Wal-Mart.

    Stop your complaining–it could be worse.

  2. Yeah, traffic makes me angry. This one time, I got so fed up with the traffic that I abandoned my car (license plate D-FENS) in the middle of the road and walked through the city of LA. I proceeded to have all sorts of crazy adventures. Let’s see, I got in a fight with some hispanic gang members who later died while trying to shoot me in a drive-by gone wrong, I assaulted a Korean convenience store owner, I briefly held a fast food restaurant hostage because they wouldn’t serve me breakfast (I hate that!), and I killed a white supremacist Army/Navy surplus store owner. The day ended quietly at the docks with my estranged wife and child, or at least it would have if Robert Duval hadn’t shot me for pointing a squirtgun at him. What a jerk!

  3. That’s pretty crazy Scott Baio!!

    I had something similar happen to me once. I was driving along in my 1983 ‘Buick Century Limited’, minding my own business when all of the sudden Gary Busey ran towards my car and bounced off the hood. I tried apologizing to him, but he wouldn’t have it one bit! After he threatened me and said that he was going to “start a fire in my Momma’s panties”, I got out of there quick! I slammed on the gas, took a right at the next intersection, and there it was. A damn traffic jam! I was totally going to abandon my car and hide in a nearby store or government building, but as soon as I opened the car door to get out, Busey brass knucked my neck and knocked me out cold!

    If I had been paying more attention while driving, the gubernatorial candidate I was aiding for wouldn’t have lost the election, and I never would have been repeatedly raped by Gary Busey in an old school bus out in the woods. Now, instead of BEING an aid, I HAVE Aids!

    Thanks a lot, traffic jams!!

  4. Hey, fucker! At least in places like LA, Dallas, Atlanta, chicago, etc., you have a reason for traffic. I have driven in all of them and more (DC was a gem), and I’m never more frustrated than I am at home. I live in Tulsa, where we have about 350, 000 people in the “city”, and about a million in the area overall. Still we have traffic like other cities. Only it usually involves about 20 cars, with the one in front eating an ice cream cone and gawking at Obediah Yoder changing a buggy wheel on the opposite side of the road. People also have no clue as to how merging and highway on and off ramps are actually supposed to work, either. I think that part of the driving test here is that people should be dropped off in a real city, and if they can make it back here alive, they get their license.

    The only time i would say that there is a legitimate reason for traffic here is when Gary Busey is in town. Although he usually says he is from Texas or some shit, he grew up here*. Nonetheless, he comes here all the time, and, as Mimi and Scott have so vividly reminded us, he does know how to create all types of jams. One time he dressed up like a highway patrolman and pulled me over. Then he tried to KISS me. I didn’t like it a lot.

    And Mimi, if you had been paying more attention while driving, the chain of events never would have occurred leading up to that cabin sliding down that hill, exposing all of those toxic substances that poisoned Chris Farley, and probably Heath Ledger. Just a reminder, kids- driving and your momma’s panties just don’t mix.

    * Warning- For Comedy Nerds Only!
    On a side note, Gary did some pretty inventive skitch comedy on a local TV station in the early seventies with Gailard Sartain (the guy in “The Jerk” with torn leather on his airplane seats) called Dr. Mazeppa Pompazoidi’s Uncanny Film Festival and Camp Meeting. They played shitty movies on Saturday nights and did sketches during the breaks. The show was the real reason Lorne Michaels went to Busey during the early days of SNL. It’s worth watching, if you can find it. It is rare, but it’s out there.

  5. Yes, Ginger, in Tulsa we DO have cars that can eat ice cream cones and observe penitent humans perform menial tasks. They’re called Smart Cars.

    So Now You Know,,,

  6. As all things come together in the great Circle of Life (please read the preceding phrase in the style of James Earl Jones voicing an African lion), I must point out that Gailard Sartain played the role of Jerry Wood in the 1983 film The Outsiders. He often accompanied Rob Lowe on his trips to Showbiz Pizza. However, unlike “Soda Pop” Lowe, Sartain was there strictly for the pizza. You know, cuz he’s fat.

  7. I live in Ohio.

    My point is, I identified with those Outsiders big-time. I’m a greaser too. Stayin golden ain’t easy when you’re as hot as me bra.

  8. I live in Ohio.

    My point is, I identified with those Outsiders big-time. I’m a Greaser too, know what I mean bra? Stayin Golden ain’t easy when yer Greasy.

  9. I live in Ohio.

    My point is, I identified with those Outsiders big-time. I’m a Greaser too, know what I mean bra? Stayin Golden ain’t easy when yer Greasy.

  10. I live in Ohio.

    My point is, I identified with those Outsiders big-time. I’m a Greaser too, know what I mean bra? Stayin Golden ain’t easy when yer Greasy.

  11. I live in Ohio.

    My point is, I identified with those Outsiders big-time. I’m a Greaser too, know what I mean bra? stayin Golden ain’t easy when yer Greasy.

  12. I live in Ohio.

    But my point is, I identified with those Outsiders big-time. I’m a Greaser too. stayin Golden ain’t easy when yer Greasy.

  13. Gawldang that comment was so juicy I had to repeat it ten times!

    I’ll get outta ya’lls hair now. Gotta go down to Dally’s and get me soma that stuff taste just like sodapop.

  14. G. Ailard S. Artain also playe “The Earl of Sandwich” on some regional convenience store commercials. If you ever see him on the street, ask him about it. He loves it! or, better yet, Call him Earl and ask for a sandwich. I promise that he is very happy-go-lucky and will not punch you in the mouth.

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