One time, I hit a kid.


OK, well I didn’t actually hit him, but I thought about it, believe you me!

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was waiting in line for the haunted house ride at the South County Fair in Rhode Island.

He wouldn’t stop crying. He was ruining the experience for everyone, so I took the law into my own hands.

I was waiting patiently and there he was, right in front of me. “Wah wah wah!” He was about 4 years old and if I thought he was in pain or whatever, I would have cut him a break but it was a hot, summer day and he was clearly just being a brat.

So this little bastard is sucking on a chocolate ice cream cone and waving it around, inches from my face. If I hadn’t ducked several times, I would have been covered in ice cream and little kid drool.

Before you got on the ride, they’d shut out the lights for about 3 seconds to scare everyone. Well, the lights went out and I grabbed his cone out of his slimy hands and plopped it right on his head.

Or so I thought. It was big and round but it wasn’t his head. It was his mom’s ample boob.

You see, this time, the lights only went out for a second. It may have even been less. So there was his ice cream cone, my hand and her juggs, just sitting there.

Well, to my surprise, instead of being mad, she smiled and said, “Hi, I’m Lindsay.”

And that’s how I met my girlfriend.

Oh, the kid later died. His name was Jamie or Pete or something.



  1. That sounds great Eric, but what I’d really love to talk about is the late, great Heath Ledger.

    He was such a brilliant actor and even though I never met the man, I am 100% positive that he was a great, kind, loving person. Matt Lauer(LOVE HIM TOO!) was saying so on the TV, and if Matt says it, then you KNOW it’s true!

    I still can’t believe it! It is literally the most tragic thing I have heard about since Issac Hayes quit ‘South Park’. That, or the whole 9/11 thing. Well, I have to go weep some more.

  2. Lindsay Ampleboob? Did she used to work at a place called the Mobius Strip Club? It was this really weird place where the music would play in this continuous loop, and the girls would take their clothes off, then put them back on again. Then they would repeat the process over and over and over again.

  3. Also in line for that haunted house ride was an impressionable young Madonna Ciccone, still years away from dropping her last name and becoming a world famous pop star. The young Madonna would one day take the idea of the cone-shaped bra and make it famous on her “Blonde Ambition” tour. Following other precedents set by Mr. Eric Filipkowski, she would also become British, morph into a weird man/woman hybrid, and have sex with Vanilla Ice. Tonight, we will view how one woman conquered the world by watching one man totally creep it out. This is VH1’s Behind the Music.

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