Jerktastic Park!


I’m still in Florida for a few more days. I promise to write more when I get back to LA.

I’m watching Jurassic Park right now. I never saw it when it was in theaters, but I’ve seen it on dvd (and probably vhs) a bunch of times since then.

A few thoughts:

It’s the 15th anniversary. Can you believe it?

I remember when it came out and everybody was saying how amazing the dinosaurs looked. They always seemed fake to me. I think they were probably animated to look better on the big screen.

I’ve noticed that a lot of the time, when you see stuff in the theater, it blows you away and then when it’s on your TV, it looks kinda shitty. Which seems counter-intuitive to me. I mean, shouldn’t it seem blurrier and stuff on a bigger screen?

Secondly, they keep playing the commercial for “Songs of Worship” while the movie is playing. It’s a CD of contemporary Christian rock songs. Odd, considering most of “those types” don’t even believe in dinosaurs, since they’re not mentioned in the Bible, right? Zing!

Finally, I feel this movie is in need of a makeover, ala the original Star Wars trilogy, or E.T. If this movie is going to stay relevant, they need to take out the CG dinosaurs and replace them with walkie-talkies. And insert Hayden Christensen’s head over Sam Neill’s. Then you’d have a movie!



  1. Everyone knows Jurassic Park was far inferior to its sequel, The Lost World. The second time around, they were smart enough to realize that Jeff Goldblum should play the lead, not some Australian guy. I agree, though, that the movie needs a makeover. I think it should be recast with Jeff Goldblum playing every role, including the T-Rex. And in The Lost World, he can play his own young, black for some reason, gymnast daughter. Can you imagine? Jeff Goldblum in black face swinging on the high bar and kicking a velociraptor (played by Jeff Goldblum) in the face! Chock full of awesome!

  2. I like what you are saying guys, but 2 things need to happen for me to spend 32 dollars to see this at the theater,

    1- Wayne Knight must put the weight back on and play the part of the phone booth.

    2- It has to be a musical. I haven’t seen a dinosaur dance and sing on screen since Michelle Pfeiffer did it in ‘Hairspray’.


    Oh, gee whiz, who the hell am I kidding? I’d bury my boner in her any day, if she’d let me.

    And if I could get a boner!

  3. Replace Wayne Knight with Wayne Brady, then replace Wayne Brady with Jeff Goldblum’s anus, and we’ll get a greenlight for sure!

  4. I’ve also heard that Chris McDonald can be had for the right price, if you can get his hand out of that dog’s ass.

    Janeane Garafaolo and Rosie O’Donnell can play the velociraptors. They may have to tone down their usual venom spewing just a bit, but they’re the closest thing we’ve got in this modern topsy-turvy workaday world.

    I would also like to see Meryl Streep as the cow. Not only would it entertain me greatly to see her overappreciated carcass shredded like cheap mexican pork, it would also virtually guarantee an Oscar(tm) nod (posthumously, of course, for Mzz. Streep, but the filmmakers would like to graciously accept this award on behalf of the late, grated Mzzzz. Streep, and assure you that the film will live on-she would have wanted it that way).

    Oh, and if Jeff Goldblum is too busy, see if you can get Mark Harmon.

  5. Curse you, Pit-Pat! I’ve been working on my Syndey Poitier/dinosaur movie screenplay for years, and now you’ve ruined it all by spilling the proverbial beans! I guess I’ll have to scrap the whole thing now. It was going to be called “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? A Dinosaur Played By Syndey Poitier That Will Eat Your Face, That’s Who!”

    Maybe I could rework it and get Helen Mirren attached. I’ll just change the title to “The Queen… Of Face-Eating Dinosaurs!”

  6. Hm, now that it’s shaping up, I wonder if we could get Dennehy involved? Bryan never fails to be sort of a ‘rock’ in undertaking of this magnitude.

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