I’m a mobile blogger!

 

Here I am in the Denver International Airport. Yay!

It is pretty cold here. I flew Frontier and they give you a little tv set at your seat. It really helps to make you feel less miserable.

In case you can’t tell, I hate flying. Being 6’5″ and not rich will do that to you.

Anyway, it’s not like JetBlue where everyone gets free DirectTV, you have to pay for it. It’s only five bucks, so what the hell, right?

Well, not everyone agrees with me because I saw quite a lot of people with the “Please Pay Now, Cheapass” message plastered across their screens. The one free channel is this map that shows your plane and where it is. It also shows how high it is and how fast it’s going. It’s pretty cool.

I thought it was broken because when we took off, the altitude says “15 feet” or something like that. As we were landing, it said 5,000. That took me a while. Get it? I’m in Denver. The Mile-High City.

Normally I’m not so slow, it must be the Xanax.

Also, there are a lot of cowboy hats. My brother lives in Colorado, but he lives in Aspen. These aren’t designer cowboy hats made out of dolphins or something. They’re regular ones.

I was hoping there would be a Chili’s here, but no such luck. I wasn’t even hungry but I couldn’t pass up the KFC/Pizza Hut Express in the food court. I needed to do something to pass the time, right? How was I supposed to know there was free internet?

Actually, there’s a little ad at the top of my browser. It’s pretty lame. These cities talk about free wireless and it’s times like this you realize what could be really cool is actually gonna suck bigtime. The connection speed is slow as shit and these stupid ads take up my precious time.

Plus, the lady behind me complained that her daughter could see the porn I was looking at. I informed her that Hooters.com is hardly porn, but you can’t be too argumentative in these post-9/11 days.

OK, this is probably the worst blog I ever wrote and I promise not to write any more like this.

Happy holidays (unless you’re Jewish or Christian),

Eric

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13 comments

  1. Have a merry Christmas Eric!

    Have fun in “Dumbver, Coloradumbo”. I went there once. I got a chest cold. It was NOT very fun.

    I will be celebrating Christmas alone, again. My family is celebrating it in Hawaii again this year without me. They actually moved there 4 years ago, so it’s more like they celebrate EVERY day in Hawaii. They said that maybe next year I can come, but with my 6 brothers, 7 sisters and my parents, they really don’t have any extra space in the mansion for a 16th person. I totally understand.

    But it’s fine. This year I’ve got TWO cans of Spam for my holiday dinner, so yeah, it’s going to be pretty sweet.

  2. I guess I should have said “Happy Holiday’s” instead of “Have a merry Christmas”.

    Sorry Eric. Does that make me seem like a racist?

    Maybe I’m just ignorant? I don’t know. Well I gotta go, that Jew Jerry Seinfeld show is back on. Damn, that’s a good show.

  3. Geez Eric, a little razzing every now and then is one thing, but that was pretty harsh!

    If I wasn’t a total sociopath and had real human emotions, I’m guessing that your response would have really hurt my feelings?

    Wait a minute? Maybe that’s why my family left me behind when they moved to Hawaii! It’s all starting to make sense…..

  4. Hello? Anyone? Oh no, it’s people (i.e. my family) not talking to me again! C’mon, I’m a pretty good guy! And I’ve got an OK personality (Tickle.com’s personality quiz says that I’m a “James Bond”) AND I’ve managed to get rid of almost all of my back-acne!

    And please disregard what I typed about being a sociopath, OK? I had my snow gloves with the fat fingers on when I typed that. What I MEANT to type were my thoughts and opinions on and about the great American author, Eric Filipkowski! He’s spectacular!!! And let me ask you people this, would a heartless sociopath cry ALL 4 TIMES that he’s watched the brilliant, underrated film ‘Overboard’? I think not! When Goldie Hawn is being driven away in that limo from her fake kids, it gets me everytime! Not because my fake Mom abandoned me (and she DID), but because I am an amnesia survivor.

  5. Really? I identified with the film “Overboard” as well, but for different reasons than you, dear Mimi. You see, I too am a greasy carpenter with four sons who has dreams of one day opening a miniature golf course while simuntaneously kidnapping a rich woman with amnesia. So far, I have failed. All the rich women I have kidnapped have retained their memory, no matter how many times I have dealt them a swift whallop with my trusty carpenter’s hammer. And I built a miniature golf course, but I have had no customers yet. Perhaps I made an error in judgement when I decided to build the course to the scale of my old G.I. Joe action figures, but you should see how Destro handles the windmill hole! He’s truly the most glorious linksman to ever take back the blade! No wonder the Baroness and Lady Jane fight over him so often (in my mind).

    I do, however, have a scorching case of back acne though (I call it “backne” in order to save energy and sound “hip”). I think it is the sweaty travails of carpentry that cause the affliction, as well as my daily routine of bathing in chicken fat. Pray tell, Mimi, how did you get rid of yours? If the solution was to stop bathing in chicken fat, though, I ain’t interested.

  6. Dearest Scott,

    You are doing the right thing by bathing in animal renderings. Carpentry is a profession which really exacts a toll on the skin. The sawdust draws out the moisture and leaves your dermis ashy and cracked. The methamphetamine most carpenters consume doesn’t help much, either. In fact, most carpenters actually begin to fall apart like a leper by age 35, and many completely disintegrate by 45. The average white man actaully leaves up to five percent of his body mass with every 3 sheets of drywall hung. That is why we are having to import so many Mexican framers and sheetrockers (and methamphetamine). They are naturally oily from the chimichangas and all, and therefore have a much better rate of longevity in the industry. They also don’t seem to have as much “backne”, although studies on this have been inconclusive.
    Perhaps you should scrub your back using a chimichanga as a loofah. It may or may not work, but at least it will be delicious, what with the chicken fat and all.

  7. P to tha P,

    Thanks for the chimichanga advice. I think Jesus used to scrub his back with a delicious Taco Bell Chilito, and that seemed to work pretty well for him. Yes, my son, Jesus was a carpenter too. Didn’t you know that? No, no, not Jesus Christ. I was speaking about Jesus Cortez, my old business partner. He died of Frito poisoning back in aught-3. I think the Christ-child was more into scrubbing with frankincense and myrrh. Now that was an oily demigod!

  8. You’re right. I did forget to mention that the Mexicans are filthy. Thank you for your suggestion, Scott.

    On a side note, since Denver is called “The Mile High City”, does that mean that every time someone makes sweet love there, they become a member of the “Mile High Club”? That kind of makes it less of a deal.

    Maybe they should change it to “The Approximately 1.6 Kilometer in Altitude City”, or “The 20 City-Block High Town”, or maybe “Ol’ Miley”. I think that any of these choices would remedy the situation.

  9. Thanks EZ. Your post just put us over the top. This is now the world’s foremost whack-n-poo blog. Thanks, everybody, for all the hard work you’ve done to make a not-so-little boy’s dream come true. Truly this is a Christmas miracle.

    God bless us, every one.

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