Batman Sucks

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If you go to this link, you can check out the trailer for the new Batman movie. That is, if you can even figure out how to make it play. It took me about five minutes!

My verdict? Disappointing, at best.

I hate to burst anyone’s bubble here, but not making an appearance yet again is everyone’s favorite character: Robin.

Why do these movies have to be so dark? People like Batman because it’s fun. Gadgets – that’s what we want! And lots of ’em! And Chris O’Donnell!

So what do we get, instead? A barely-souped up motorcycle. I’ve seen kookier stuff than that on American Chopper. But hey, that’s much better than the rumored Bat Jet Ski from the scrapped Batman 5 script. Sure it is.

And what’s with the Joker? Where’s the colorful purple suit? They missed out on a huge opportunity here to fulfill every Batman fan’s wet dream. You know what I’m gonna say, don’t you? Robin Williams as the Joker!

He’d be perfect! Have you ever seen him interviewed on Entertainment Tonight? He’d barely have to do any acting.

But no, instead we get “dark” and “gritty”. When are these Hollywood Studios going to stop pandering to the lunatic fringe of the hardcore fanboys and start delivering a product more palatable to today’s wholesome, family-friendly marketplace?

Trash may sell, but this is one “Bat-Fan” who’s not buying.

Bring back Mr. Freeze, that’s what I say.

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22 comments

  1. And bring back the nipples on the Batsuit and the gratuitous George Clooney ass shots! Just cuz Joel Schumacher’s not directing them anymore doesn’t mean they can’t still be a little gay.

  2. Wow your review is pathetic, I think you chose the wrong movie to see this movie in I Am Legend, I think that Alvin and the Chipmunks is right up your alley. Move on, the old batman’s suck and the new ones are bad ass.

  3. I had to pay 25 dollars to some website so’s I could watch a German lady eat some poo.

    I will only have to pay 8 bucks to watch a kind-of-creepy-looking animated chipmunk eat his OWN BROTHERS poo in the Alvin & The Chipmunks movie.

    This is going to be the best Christmas ever!!!

  4. Ooooooo! You got served, Sandler style*!

    *not to be confused with “Sanders style,” the secret flavor recipe of 11 herbs and spices created by American icon “Colonel” Harland Sanders for his celebrated Kentucky Fried Chicken** restaurants. The recipe remains one of the best-kept trade secrets in business.

    **KFC Corporation, based in Louisville, KY, is a wholly owned subsidiary of Yum! Brands, Inc.***

    ***those last three asterisks were typos, Please disregard.

  5. I haven’t really seen any of the Batman movies, except I do remember that DeVitto made the best Penguin ever. Then they didn’t hire him. I mean, not only has he been Billy Joel’s drummer all these years, he’s a helluva actor. But, no, they had to hire that short guy, but I have to admit that he was pretty good, too.

    I just don’t like to watch movies that are over-hyped. I still haven’t seen “The Matrix”. I have the DVD, I just have to get through a full year without anyone telling me how “awesome” or “mind-blowing” it is before I will be able to watch it. I finally watched “Fight Club” the other night by accident, and I really liked it. Until the end, that is. What the fuck was that? So Ed Norton blew the back of his head off, but it was really the back of Brad Pitt’s head, and then it turns out it wasn’t really the back of his own head, so he survived, but the alterego didn’t? Really? OK, I guess. Uh-oh, I just talked about “Fight Club”. Blow me.

    If the rest of the movie hadn’t been OK, I’d have really been pissed. I mean “Phone Booth” pissed. I hated that movie so much I was actually screaming at my TV after I wached it. Worst movie ever. I can’t stress this enough. The logic was so flawed from square one, I just kept watching it thinking “there has to be a bigger plot brewing that would explain why someone was keeping ballistics from determining the trajectory of the bullet, eliminating the possibility of the shot originating from the booth, ending the movie in the first ten minutes”. Well, it never happened. I was more pissed off watching this movie than “Schindler’s List” (which I would have watched if people didn’t make me think I was “s’posed to”).

    I wish someone would have crammed the whole production in a phone booth and dropped “The Piano” on it.

    So, anyway, Batman.
    I’m OK with whatever as long as they keep flashing words like “Biff!”, “Splat!”, and “Taint!” during the fight scenes.

    Until next time,

    See You At The Pictureshows!

  6. I was actually driving through downtown Chicago while they were shooting a scene. So if you see a 83 Cutlass Ciera (Sedan, factory red) Ohio plates 2 HOT 2 TRT that would be yours truly!

    P.S. 83 Cutlass Ciera Sedan for sale. Factory red color, am fm stereo, heater, has a weird odor but there are two bottles of air freshner in glove box, hilarious novelty plates!! $3,000 or best offer!!!

  7. Brian, I will gladly purchase your fine motorcar, and with those plates, buying it at just $3,000 will be a steal! You see, I am a bit of a connoisseur of classic cinema, and your deliciously clever vanity plates remind me of a wonderful film titled “Hot To Trot,’ starring Bobcat Goldthwaite, Dabney Coleman, Oscar-winner Virginia Madsen, and of course John Candy as the voice of Don, the talking horse. Out of my love for this modern day (and by “modern day” I mean 1988) retelling of the familiar speaking equine meme, as established by the iconic classics “Mr. Ed” and “Francis the Talking Mule,” I will gladly pay top dollar for your stinky Oldsmobile. I will likely discard your automobile and just keep the personalized plates, which I will attach to my buggy, pulled by Armando, my very own beautiful but sadly non-speaking steed. I have engaged the help of a speech therapist, and I hope Armando will one day be able to give me love advice, as well as juicy stock tips. For now, I will continue to rub peanut butter onto his gums so that his lips move while I employ my limited ventriloquism skills and continue to dream.

    Where shall I send the check, good sir?

  8. Brian, you are a brave soul. I don’t know too many people that would have the courage to publicly display their body heat issues and problems with excessive and frequent evacuation of watery feces.

    Bravo, Sir. Bravo. I know you’re doing it for us all.

    P.S. You should keep the air freshener, being that once you quit driving the Ciera, the feces smell caused by your intestinal disorder should dissipate within a couple of days. I just saved you like 10 dollars!

  9. And yeah Eric, I agree. The new Batman movie sucks more dicks than gay porno actor Christian Balls does in the new film ‘Buttman Returns The Favor’.

  10. I just heard a rumour that they wrote a meaty part for Robin in the latest film, and cast a young, brash upstart named Chad Robuckle in the part, but then they cut it all out after he got drunk, fucked the producer’s sister and stole 20 bucks from her purse.

    Man, showbiz is tough!

  11. It is kina of my mom’s car. and shes out for bingo this weekend. But not just any bingo, the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP OF BINGO in Thunder Bay, Ontario. I’m actually surprised she left the lap top with me (for my love of buying ceramic kittens has gotten me in trouble in the past).

    So if you’re in the Thunder Bay, ON region you can meet me behind the Thunder Bay, ON Youth Recreation Center that is behind the Thunder Bay, ON Mother and Children’s Center (left of Thunder Bay, ON Kinder Care) off of Thunder Bay Drive (ON) in the parking lot of Thunder Bay (ON) Thunderburgers (TM) (ON) ((Formerly known as Thunderbayburgers (TM) (ON))(((Before the Thunderstorm (TM) hit))).

    PS. No Fatties

  12. Well, it’s your opinion and I ain’t going to discuss this. I like the Dark, serious Batman and the psycho Joker, you don’t, that’s it. The fact that most of the american audience voted for the death of Robin in the comics doesn’t mean that it’s not “everyone’s favorite character” (well, maybe yes, but only if we count the legions of fanboys, I guess).

    Anyhow, there is one only point I have to disagree with you. Remember your question about the Joker’s colorful purple suit?

    Well it’s there. During all the trailer. Except in one scene, the Joker wears his purple suit at every single scene he’s on screen. And he’s on screen more than any other character is in that trailer. So yes, he wears his purple suit, and I’m sure I can’t be the only one who has seen it. Am I?

  13. Mmm, Creeperillas! I had almost forgotten about Taco Bell’s short-lived seasonal item that combined the yumminess of a quesadilla with the “creepiness” of live spiders. If I remember correctly, you could get the Creeperilla &trade in mild, spicy, or black widow.

  14. Creeperella,
    Thank you for your civil level of discourse and your respect for and adherence to my opinions. As for the purple suit, sure, it’s purple, but it’s not BRIGHT purple! And also, it should have question marks on it, like the Riddler. But he’d still be called the Joker! That would be great! And how come Batman can’t fly if he has a cape? In my mind, cape = flying. Let’s see more flying and less gadgets. Also, I agree that Robin is a very popular character and should not be killed off. Thanks for reading!
    Stew Greenberg

  15. However spicy or mild, those things will give you a case of the creepin’ craperillas in about five seconds. Talk about your Run For the Border(tm)!

    See there- from civil discourse to dooky in under four hours. Brilliance, if I do say so myself.

    (Creepin’ Craperillas is a registered trademark of Taco Belle(r), Yumalicious Brand Foods(tm), and is also Beatrice(tm).)

  16. Totally agree dude. WTF did they do to batman? they ruined my child hood hero. Lets get a real fucking director in here who remembers what its all about. They shouldnt be dark and scary, its made for fucking kids. So all you old perverts who have a sick obession with it, get a fucking girlfriend. Robin Williams as the joker sounds like the best idea iv heard yet.

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