Forrest Gump is not an intelligent man!

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I know this was a popular film, but on closer inspection, this guy doesn’t seem very smart at all!

I’ve gotten in trouble in the past for just throwing out crazy accusations at people without using facts to back them up, so this time, I am prepared. For example:

  1. When he met President Lyndon Johnson, the president rhetorically asked to see his wound sometime. Well, seeing as Forrest’s wound was on his ass and they were at an important award ceremony or something, why the hell would you take that literally and pull down your pants and moon the president? What a buffoon!
  2. There was also that time Forrest was playing football, he would start running and then keep running – right through the stadium wall! Hey Jabroney, I’m all for physical comedy, but have some respect for personal property!
  3. When Forrest meets his son, that kid from the Sixth Sense, Jenny is all like, “Hey Forrest, this is Forrest, he’s named after his dad.” Instead of taking the fucking hint, this putz thinks that Jenny must have had sex with some other guy named Forrest! Yeah, like that’s a really common name! Sheesh!
  4. Stupid is as stupid does – What the hell does that even mean?
  5. Forrest keeps calling Lieutenant Dan “Lieutenant Dan” even after they’re not in the army anymore. Just call him Dan! You guys have known each for a really long time, there’s no need to be so formal, you stupid goofball!
  6. When they integrated his school and all the racists were protesting, my friend Kirk told Forrest that they were letting “Coons” into the school. Of course, Albert Eintstein takes this to mean “raccoons”. Haha. Real funny. Hey asshole, why don’t you learn something about the world that’s going on around you and stop turning a blind eye to racial injustice?
  7. Who the hell would sit there and listen to a guy just list different kinds of shrimp, over and over, for days at a time? Even if you’re stuck on a bus for hours and hours and you just made a new friend and want to be polite, this is still really stupid. Just be like, “Hey Bubba, that’s great, let’s talk about something else!” Jeepers creepers, this really steams me!
  8. Hey, I like Ping Pong just as much as the next guy, but the part where he says, “I’m famouser than even Captain Kangaroo” makes me see red. You should be pissed off too, as someone who speaks English. It’s “even more famous!” Learn the fucking language you moron!
  9. If your girlfriend is a stripper and she’s blocking the patrons from seeing her bush and stuff with a guitar and the patrons get mad and start grabbing at her, you don’t go and beat them up! They paid to see naked lady parts, not singing. Imagine you’re just trying to have a good time and some gorilla starts whaling on you! Am I wrong? Is that not really rude at the least? Holy smokes, someone needs to stop this maniac!
  10. This last one I will only refer to as “the bus thing.” After watching this goon make an ass out of himself for two hours, we learn that the whole movie has been a huge waste of time! He’s been waiting for a bus and he only had to walk like a thousand feet, the whole time! I know that sounds like a lot, but this is the guy who ran across the country on like four different occasions. Even if he’s tired of running, why would he take a bus and not get a cab?? He’s a goddam millionaire! He owns a shrimp company, for chrissake! Now you’re stupid and cheap???

Well, I think I have proven that Forrest Gump is not a smart person. I’m not one to call people names, but I get so steamed when I think about all the intelligent people they could have made a movie about instead of him. What about Abraham Lincoln? He’s a smart guy and you never see a movie about him. Make a movie about him for a change!

That’s the problem with this country, there are all sorts of smart people out there but nobody cares becuase they’re not drinking and driving or trying to pick out a girlfriend from 30 whores my roommate picked up at the bus station.

I think this is why nobody came to my house for Thanksgiving this year 😦

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13 comments

  1. Sorry, Eric, but I take umbrage at number four on your list. Forrest’s mother was actually the one who came up with “stupid is as stupid does.” You can’t blame her mongoloid son for parroting her ridiculous statements at bus stops. That’s what retards do. Instead, you should be angry with his mother for not leaving him in a trashcan when she found out how mentally deficient he was. Also, she was a real bitch in Mrs. Doubtfire!

  2. What do you mean “retard”? How is he “mentally deficient”? I don’t get it. He’s just a regular guy, give him a break. Someone who would make fun of a mentally-challenged person for being unintelligent would be some sort of monster. Just because your mom tells you something, it doesn’t make it true. My mom thinks the moon is 3400 feet above the surface of the earth, but I know the number is at least 4000 feet more than that. Duh!

  3. Sorry, I always figured he was one of them mentally handicapped folks that bag my groceries or star in McDonald’s commercials. Two other examples that you could add to your list of why he may not be the most intelligent man on earth:

    1. When he said that a bullet “jumped up and bit me.” Bullets do not jump, nor do they bite. Even a monkey would know that, let alone a grown man with military training. What gives, Forrest? And I won’t even go into his mangled pronunciation of the word “buttocks.”

    2. That time he met President Kennedy and said, “I gotta go pee.” You do NOT talk about urine in front of the president! Especially a president who is about to be assassinated! I think it’s in the Constitution, or the Bible or whatever: “Thou shalt not speak of urine or the act of urination in the presence of a soon-to-be-assassinated world leader.” That type of crap may fly in Communist Russia, but not here in the U.S. of A.! You watch yer ass, Gump-tard!

  4. I was actually gonna use that second one, but I liked the other time he visited a president better. How many times does this asshole get to meet the president? During my research for this story, I found that there’s a deleted scene where he meets George Bush. The first one. I mean, I’ve never met any president, not even once and I’ve got a semi-popular blog. Where’s the justice in that? Maybe if I got shot in the ass, I could finally realize my dream and become the next Perez Hilton.

  5. Few people know that Abraham Lincoln’s initial campaign slogan was “Slavery is as slavery does”. Nobody understood it then, either, but it was that idiot Mary Todd’s idea, so big surprise.

    I never met Abraham Lincoln, but I did actually meet Gerrald Ford when I was about 12 amd in the Boy Scouts. Surprisingly enough, he asked to watch me pee AND wanted to see the hole in my butt.

    After that my mom taught me about the separation between church and state.

  6. Hey, lets not forget the jerk-offs that MADE the film. What a bunch a evil assholes those fuckin’ guys are!

    You know how when you are at a party or some other social gathering and you have to talk to a bunch of morons all night? At least with me, I notice that after an hour or two of talking to idiots, I start talking like an idiot. With no one but idiots and assholes (or idiot assholes) to talk to, it sort of forces you to dumb yourself down so things go more smoothly. Well, the same applies for watching a movie with a moron as the central character (at least it does in my head and for the purpose of this story).

    Anyways, after a half hour of watching this “Acadamy Award winning” film, I was drooling and blinking even more than the doofus on the screen. Suddenly I got hungry and needed a snack (as I often do while watching a movie), and in my stupified state I made 3 Totino’s pizzas and proceeded to eat them all. Then, without thinking, I made 2 more and ate those(it’s a long movie). Needless to say, I had quite the belly ache!

    So, for dumbing me down and causing my 2 day belly ache, I say FUCK YOU Robert Zemeckis and Tom Hanks! You both suck big time! I want to pummel you both with a ping pong paddle. Ggggrrrrrrrrrrrr!

    Well I gotta go. I have to get to the store in time to rent this great movie I just heard about called ‘I Am Sam’. It’s about a hot, angry, coldhearted lawyer who eventually learns how to love. I LOVE lawyer movies and hot ladies! I can’t wait!

    Maybe I’ll also pick up some pizzas while I’m there….

  7. Don’t forget the time he met Nixon as well. Ol’ Forrest was actually Nixon’s undoing, since Tricky Dick himself hooked Gump up with a room in the Watergate Hotel, from which Forrest had a favorable vantage point on the office across the way. Gump called security, and then America lost its innocence (again!).

    But Forrest can’t be all that stupid. As evidenced by the picture posted at the top of the page, Forrest cleaned up his act, lost his goofy southern accent, attended law school, and got hired on a at prestigious Philadelphia firm. However, he ended up dying from the same disease as Jenny, so he was at least too stupid to use protection. What a lunkhead!

  8. This guy Forrest Gump is SUPPOSED to be stupid, unless You’re to stupid to figure that out yourself! That is what makes the movie an award-winner! DUH! and some of the points you have are stupid for example #5 the one about Lt. Dan. If you joined the army and you got used to calling your Leuitenant Dan, you would call him that for the rest of your life. That’s how you know him by. You still know your dad as Dad don’t you? Plus that is paying his respects to him. Also #9. The movie is supposed to be PG-13 not rated-X! OK? She’s not supposed to show her stuuf. Also Forrest thought that the men were trying to hurt his BEST FRIEND since he was little. I would do that too, if I didn’t knoq any better. And why do you bring down the producers of Forrest Gump? It was an amazing movie, you guys are the only retards who DON’T like it. You can express your opinion, but don’t insult the movie! You can critizise not puit down! Forrest Gump was an academy-award winner. You couldn’t even dream of a better movie or even movie idea than that of Forrest Gump!

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