I know this was a popular film, but on closer inspection, this guy doesn’t seem very smart at all!
I’ve gotten in trouble in the past for just throwing out crazy accusations at people without using facts to back them up, so this time, I am prepared. For example:
- When he met President Lyndon Johnson, the president rhetorically asked to see his wound sometime. Well, seeing as Forrest’s wound was on his ass and they were at an important award ceremony or something, why the hell would you take that literally and pull down your pants and moon the president? What a buffoon!
- There was also that time Forrest was playing football, he would start running and then keep running – right through the stadium wall! Hey Jabroney, I’m all for physical comedy, but have some respect for personal property!
- When Forrest meets his son, that kid from the Sixth Sense, Jenny is all like, “Hey Forrest, this is Forrest, he’s named after his dad.” Instead of taking the fucking hint, this putz thinks that Jenny must have had sex with some other guy named Forrest! Yeah, like that’s a really common name! Sheesh!
- Stupid is as stupid does – What the hell does that even mean?
- Forrest keeps calling Lieutenant Dan “Lieutenant Dan” even after they’re not in the army anymore. Just call him Dan! You guys have known each for a really long time, there’s no need to be so formal, you stupid goofball!
- When they integrated his school and all the racists were protesting, my friend Kirk told Forrest that they were letting “Coons” into the school. Of course, Albert Eintstein takes this to mean “raccoons”. Haha. Real funny. Hey asshole, why don’t you learn something about the world that’s going on around you and stop turning a blind eye to racial injustice?
- Who the hell would sit there and listen to a guy just list different kinds of shrimp, over and over, for days at a time? Even if you’re stuck on a bus for hours and hours and you just made a new friend and want to be polite, this is still really stupid. Just be like, “Hey Bubba, that’s great, let’s talk about something else!” Jeepers creepers, this really steams me!
- Hey, I like Ping Pong just as much as the next guy, but the part where he says, “I’m famouser than even Captain Kangaroo” makes me see red. You should be pissed off too, as someone who speaks English. It’s “even more famous!” Learn the fucking language you moron!
- If your girlfriend is a stripper and she’s blocking the patrons from seeing her bush and stuff with a guitar and the patrons get mad and start grabbing at her, you don’t go and beat them up! They paid to see naked lady parts, not singing. Imagine you’re just trying to have a good time and some gorilla starts whaling on you! Am I wrong? Is that not really rude at the least? Holy smokes, someone needs to stop this maniac!
- This last one I will only refer to as “the bus thing.” After watching this goon make an ass out of himself for two hours, we learn that the whole movie has been a huge waste of time! He’s been waiting for a bus and he only had to walk like a thousand feet, the whole time! I know that sounds like a lot, but this is the guy who ran across the country on like four different occasions. Even if he’s tired of running, why would he take a bus and not get a cab?? He’s a goddam millionaire! He owns a shrimp company, for chrissake! Now you’re stupid and cheap???
Well, I think I have proven that Forrest Gump is not a smart person. I’m not one to call people names, but I get so steamed when I think about all the intelligent people they could have made a movie about instead of him. What about Abraham Lincoln? He’s a smart guy and you never see a movie about him. Make a movie about him for a change!
That’s the problem with this country, there are all sorts of smart people out there but nobody cares becuase they’re not drinking and driving or trying to pick out a girlfriend from 30 whores my roommate picked up at the bus station.
I think this is why nobody came to my house for Thanksgiving this year 😦