You are stupid and I hate you


In the words of my friend’s niece, “I hate this. I want to kill it.”

OK, sometimes when you’re born, your parents stick you with a shitty name. It sucks, right? I understand that. It’s not your fault. But guess what, stupid? You change it. You don’t go and start a business that puts your awful name out in the public arena.

There is a store back east that has really annoying radio ads. I first heard them when I was a kid, driving with my parents to Cape Cod. My dad is a big fan of AM radio and its staticky, low-fidelity sound, so in between losing the signal at every overpass we traveled under, we would hear these awful announcements for a store with a name that used to make my brother and I giggle.

The store is actually called “Frugal Fannie’s!”

Yes, you read that correctly. There is a store that’s name is a euphemism for the term “Cheap Asses.”

This is one of my pet peeves; people who take something as loathsome and base as being cheap and turn it into a virtue, but that’s not even scratching the surface here.

This name is offensive to me. I am no longer giggling about this. It’s gross and perverted and should be stopped. Aren’t there laws against this? You can say this is a matter of free speech, but the Supreme Court has repeatedly knocked down those kinds of claims when it’s a matter of commercial interest.

Why don’t you just name your store, “Asshole’s?” Or “Shithead’s?” Or “Fuddrucker’s?”

[Yes, if you’ve managed to read between the lines, you are correct. This is nothing less than a call for an invocation of martial law to hunt these people down, bring them to justice and purge our society of the potty talk that is plaguing our children today.]


One comment

  1. You know, I was thinking the same thing the other day when I was eating at Hooters. I hate how that business has taken my lifelong love of all things owl-related and turned it into something dirty. And those hypermammiferous waitresses stretch out their shirts so much that the little owl pictured on the front appears all distorted! What a filthy society we live in!

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