Yoda: I want to kick it with that dude

yoda-backpack.jpg

You know, I was re-watching my favorite Star Wars movie, “Attack of the Clones” when it occurred to me that I wish Yoda was my bro and we could hang out and shit.

I know Old Yoda is totally lame and all like, “ooh look, I’m old and I tell dumb jokes and act like a douchebag”, but Young Yoda is hella cool.

Not just cuz he can kick ass with a light saber and do flips and shit like that, but because he has something that many dudes today lack: restraint.

Here’s the deal: you know how you have that friend, he’s usually named Bonesy or Jonesy or something like that? He’s a really cool guy and he’s hella fun to hang out with.

The problem is, that’s the last dude on earth that bitches want to be around. He’s all fat and he never changes his shirt and he’s always talking about his DUIs and date rape convictions, so when you get a girlfriend and you’re like, “Hey, Bonesy is coming over tonight and we’re gonna pound some brews,” chicks are always like, “no way, he’s not coming over here and getting drunk and throwing up on my cat and ‘accidentally’ touching my boobs again!”

That’s why Yoda is so awesome. He’s so fucking awesome I can’t even believe it!

He’s like way awesome, trust me.

You know why? Cuz he can party just as hard as Bonesy, but he doesn’t swear in front of your girlfriend and when you get back from the strip club, he doesn’t tell her what really went on, he’ll totally downplay the whole thing and be like, “Oh it was so boring, I feel sorry for those poor girls, the whole thing is really demeaning.”

Another cool thing about Yoda is, he’s like all non-threatening and stuff. So chicks are like, “Oh, who’s your friend? He’s really cute!” But not in a way where they want to bang him, cuz he’s old and his weiner is probably all shriveled up like that hotdog my brother stuck under the couch six years ago.

But cuz you’re hanging out with him, the chicks find you more attractive. It’s like bringing a cute little puppy to the park.

The best thing about Yoda is, though, he can use the Force. So if none of this works, he can just use his mind powers to make girls’ tops come off or shut your goddam girlfriend’s mouth when she’s bitching about you not taking out the trash or whatever.

I’ll take out the trash, alright. And you’ll be in it.

Hey, just kidding.

But seriously, Yoda is totally cool and if that dude is real and just like science hasn’t invented him yet or something, I am gonna hang out with him. Like a bunch, I don’t care what Lindsay says, I’m not going to that stupid birthday party. I’m not even friends with that girl.

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8 comments

  1. Yeah, I just watched SWE2AOTC on HBO CH 331, and it was AOK!!

    I totally agree. I would want Yoda to be my friend too!

    Actually, I would settle for anyone being my friend. ANYONE.

    I guess what I’m getting at, is that I have a severe personality disorder and I don’t have any friends. But I would really, really like one, as I just stated above.

    Eric, will you be my friend? We could make a clubhouse and live in it!

  2. Mimi,
    At the risk of stating the obvious, you really think Yoda (or me) would want to kick it with a self-proclaimed friendless loser who smells like Jabba the Hutt’s jizz rag? OK, so I added that last part, but the fact is, Yoda is popular. So am I. Apparently, only among guys who smell like fabric that’s soaked with a giant fish/toad/monster’s semen, but still, I’ll take what I can get. In summation: please, Steven Spielberg, discover me already so I can quit this stupid blog!
    Eric

  3. Ok, so if I understood you correctly (and I know I am), you want to be best friends forever right? Thank you, thank you, thank you! I knew you would!

    Can we call our club the BFF’s? Or wait, we could call it ‘The Backddor Buddies’! We will only have a backdoor entrance to our clubhouse! That way, ‘The Backdoor Buddies’ could have all the privacy and ‘us’ time we need!! From what I hear, that’s good because it allows BFF’s get to know each other really well, and ultimatly become the best BFF’s ever!

    Oh, and Lindsay can come and visit us on every other Tuesday, or as we will soon come to call it, “Cootie Allowence Day”. You can thank me later.

    Can’t wait, BFF!

  4. First off, anyone that says hella is fucking gay. Second, Star Wars is for homos. Third, Yoda is riding my cock right now so he cant be your friend. You are a little bitch and you don’t deserve a website!

  5. Good stuff. I think it’s really cool that you know Yoda, and it’s really nice to have an insight into the mind of a complicated 900 year old like him. I think that there is not enough respect for the elderly in today’s youth-driven culture, and certainly not enough focus on the value of wingmen from Dagobah. Thank you for your article.

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