You know, I was re-watching my favorite Star Wars movie, “Attack of the Clones” when it occurred to me that I wish Yoda was my bro and we could hang out and shit.
I know Old Yoda is totally lame and all like, “ooh look, I’m old and I tell dumb jokes and act like a douchebag”, but Young Yoda is hella cool.
Not just cuz he can kick ass with a light saber and do flips and shit like that, but because he has something that many dudes today lack: restraint.
Here’s the deal: you know how you have that friend, he’s usually named Bonesy or Jonesy or something like that? He’s a really cool guy and he’s hella fun to hang out with.
The problem is, that’s the last dude on earth that bitches want to be around. He’s all fat and he never changes his shirt and he’s always talking about his DUIs and date rape convictions, so when you get a girlfriend and you’re like, “Hey, Bonesy is coming over tonight and we’re gonna pound some brews,” chicks are always like, “no way, he’s not coming over here and getting drunk and throwing up on my cat and ‘accidentally’ touching my boobs again!”
That’s why Yoda is so awesome. He’s so fucking awesome I can’t even believe it!
He’s like way awesome, trust me.
You know why? Cuz he can party just as hard as Bonesy, but he doesn’t swear in front of your girlfriend and when you get back from the strip club, he doesn’t tell her what really went on, he’ll totally downplay the whole thing and be like, “Oh it was so boring, I feel sorry for those poor girls, the whole thing is really demeaning.”
Another cool thing about Yoda is, he’s like all non-threatening and stuff. So chicks are like, “Oh, who’s your friend? He’s really cute!” But not in a way where they want to bang him, cuz he’s old and his weiner is probably all shriveled up like that hotdog my brother stuck under the couch six years ago.
But cuz you’re hanging out with him, the chicks find you more attractive. It’s like bringing a cute little puppy to the park.
The best thing about Yoda is, though, he can use the Force. So if none of this works, he can just use his mind powers to make girls’ tops come off or shut your goddam girlfriend’s mouth when she’s bitching about you not taking out the trash or whatever.
I’ll take out the trash, alright. And you’ll be in it.
Hey, just kidding.
But seriously, Yoda is totally cool and if that dude is real and just like science hasn’t invented him yet or something, I am gonna hang out with him. Like a bunch, I don’t care what Lindsay says, I’m not going to that stupid birthday party. I’m not even friends with that girl.