As a loyal reader of this blog, you are no doubt aware of my love for the McRib.
Well guess what? Just like everything else I love, it has gone away forever.
BUT, if there was a genie or Jesus or whatever that flew down to earth and offered me a McRib and was like, “You can have this McRib, but you’ve gotta punch some shit first,” here are the top ten things I would punch in order to get it.
10. The Statue of Liberty
OK, this isn’t that big of a deal. It’s metal and I probably couldn’t do much damage. I’m sure tons of people punch it every day and nothing happens. But, it is symbolic of all the immigrants or something like that, so, I’m sure someone would get pissed off if I got caught.
9. Optimus Prime
He is the head of the Transformers and is like 50 feet tall, but like Lady Liberty, he’s also made out of metal. But unlike a statue, he can transform into a truck and run me over.
8. Ben Franklin
He invented electricity and glasses. That said, he kinda looks like a pretty big pussy who can’t take a punch, so unless he was holding on to that kite and I got electrocuted, I think this one would go off without a hitch.
7. The Mona Lisa
This is like a super important painting in France. It’s worth a lot of money. I told my friend about my plan to punch stuff to get a McRib and he informed me that it’s probably behind glass and whatnot. If it isn’t, the painting won’t be worth much after I’m done punching it in the face and if it is, then I’ll get glass in my hand. Either way, I will earn my McRib with this one.
6. A baby
Babies are weak and their skulls are made out of goo instead of bones. Bottom line, I would probably kill a baby with one punch. I’m not bragging, just being realistic. On the downside, I would be a murderer. On the plus side, I would have a McRib.
My family is never going to forgive me for this, but I’ll be in jail anyway for baby murder, so why not go for the gusto, right? The irony of this whole thing is that Grandma always gives me McDonald’s gift certificates so I’ve actually bought a bunch of McRibs on her dime in the past. But guess what? This isn’t the past, this is now and I need a McRib.
4. Chris Elliott
OK, now things are getting serious. When I was a kid, I would watch stupid sitcoms and think, “Oh, I guess this is what comedy is, I guess this is OK.” Then came a little show called, “Get A Life” and a whole new world of possibilities was opened up to me. This guy is my hero and probably the number one reason you are reading this blog today. But like Green Day says (I’m paraphrasing), “Kill your heroes. Or punch them in the face.”
3. My past self at age 5
When I was 5, everything was great. I still had another good 4 or 5 years ahead of me before everything went to shit. Oh sure, I was scared that a bear was going to come into our house and try to eat us, but I had reasoned that he would be too heavy for our 70’s-style suspended wood staircase and if I could just usher my family up the stairs before the bear got us, he would cause the whole thing to collapse and he would be trapped in the basement. So I had it pretty good, but not anymore, because I am coming to punch myself out, possibly causing a rip in the space/time continuum that will cause my arm to become transparent when I play guitar at the big dance.
2. Abraham Lincoln
He freed the slaves and he also had Marfan Syndrome, just like me. This one will be tough, because I know he’s probably prone to dislocating his lenses, like I am. I think one good punch to the noggin could do it. Who knows what he will accomplish if he can’t see too good. No, you’d have to be pretty selfish to take a swing at the Great Emancipator. But this is no ordinary sandwich we’re talking about.
Which leads me to my number one person I would punch in the face to get a McRib:
1. Ronald McDonald
I know what you’re thinking, “You’d punch your Grandma or your 5 year old self before you punched a clown everyone hates anyway?” Well, guess what, genius? Who do you think invented the McRib? That’s right. And when he’s dead from my vicious right hook to his brain, there won’t be anyone around to make any more. So even if the company decides to bring back the McRib, they won’t be able to.
This means I will be the last person on earth to consume a McRib sandwich and that’s gotta be worth something in the history books.
You see, in the end, it’s about more than a delicious pork-like sandwich that’s covered in BBQ sauce and pickles and onions (though I get mine without any of those last two), it’s about my bid for immortality–
You know what? In the movies, whenever someone does something like this, they always get tricked and I bet the trick I’d get played on me is I’d go and punch out all these people and then in the end Jesus would be like, “Aha, I’m not Jesus afterall, I’m the devil! This is just a Jesus costume I bought at the mall for like 20 bucks! Enjoy your McRib – extra pickles and onions, of course!” Then he’d laugh in that maniacal way he always does right before disappearing in a puff of smoke.
Oh sure, I’ll try and take all that crap off, but the flavor will have leaked onto the sauce and it will be ruined.
So, good news! I’m not gonna punch anyone. Unless I am guaranteed a plain McRib. No wait, the lesson is, there’s no way to guarantee that.
So forget it, I am withdrawing my offer.
But please, bring back the McRib anyway. I was just kidding about everyone hating you, bro.