Bye, Centennial Man


One day, I will be dead.

Like Lord Voldemort, I have taken steps towards immortality, but I know that it shall never be enough, no matter how many orphans I murder.

As I was watching my favorite movie, Bicentennial Man, I was struck by something sad.

Let me back up, a minute. Too many thoughts… not enough time or cough syrup… not enough speed in these old hands to put them down as fast as I would like.

If you’ve never seen Bicentennial Man, please do yourself a huge favor and go buy it right now. Do not rent it, as you will want to see it again, for yourself and for your loved ones.

Bicentennial Man is the kind of movie, that I fear, has become far too rare these days: a comedy with heart that really makes you think.

Oh sure, Robin is hilarious (as usual) clowning and capering about. Because he’s a robot, the things that are normal to us are strange and confusing to him. Laughter ensues.

But it’s the message that long after we’re gone, dead and buried, robots will live on, wearing our clothes and mocking our existence with their driftwood homes on the beach.

We like to think that our passing will be a big deal. When I am dead, my friends and loved ones will mourn me. They will visit my grave and cry and leave flowers.

Those flowers, too, will die. Someone will come and sweep them away. Grass will grow around my grave. My friends and loved ones will die too. Buildings will crumble and be re-built. Aliens will invade the earth and do battle with all of humankind, united at last, in its final hour.

But the robots will remain.

Unless we stop them. Now.

I know what you’re thinking, “But Eric, there are no robots!” At least not the kind like Mork plays in Bicentennial Man, but if Bicentennial Man has taught me one thing, it is that they are coming and they will be evolved from our household appliances.

I have destroyed all remnants of technology in my possession. The toaster, the Egg McMuffin maker, the TV.

Oh, the irony is not lost on me. I have destroyed the one thing that gives me the most pleasure. My only means of watching my beloved Bicentennial Man!

But it is how it must be.

This will be my last blog. I have spread the word, I have done my part, now it is your turn.

Tell others. Tell whoever you can. I can’t do it anymore because I am about to destroy my computer. Right after I get some more goddam cough syrup.

I want this world to die with me. I want everything to blow up, to literally be the end of the world. I don’t want these goddam robots running amok, skateboarding and riding jet skis and whatnot.

I am sorry Andrew, I had to do it.



  1. Alex,
    Thanks for the kind words, but don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. Eventually, I ran out of cough syrup and I re-watched Bicentennial Man and I see now that it’s not actually a documentary. So, no need to panic! Robots are our friends and hopefully they will help us out during the Xarlock Invasion of 2027.

  2. Eric-

    If you had been paying attention to the news yesterday, you would have noticed that Houston rapper Big Moe passed away as a result of a massive heart attack. He was a member of the Screwed Up Click, founded by DJ Screw, who also passed away in 2000 as a result of a heart attack after a reported overdose on codeine-laced cough syrup. Known as Syrup, Sizzurp, and Purple Stuff, cough syrup is a danger to our country’s youth when used for narcotic purposes, and it continues to rob us of our most respected rap artists. First DJ Screw, then Big Moe, and now Eric Filipkowski (aka “Big Daddy Robitussin”). When will the madness end?

  3. I used to fear the eventual takeover by robots, then i was held down and forcibly raped by my Simon Sez. Now… not so worried about robots.

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