Medical misinformation

consciouschokingadultstep1_l.jpg

I feel pretty childish.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m getting older. I don’t know if you knew this, but Monday was my birthday.

In less than a year, I won’t be a teenager anymore and I guess I’ve decided it’s about time I fucking grow up.

A person can’t grow if he doesn’t cast away the shackles of regret and self-doubt he chains upon himself.

In my effort to be a better person, I offer you this: an apology.

When I was in fifth grade, there was this girl in my class named Monica, but my friends and I decided it would be fun to call her “Mono-choke.”

I’m not sure how we came to this conclusion, but that’s not the point. The point is, we did. And I’m sorry.

We would wait for our teacher to leave the room and we would all start chanting, “Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke! Mono makes you choke!”

Over and over, we would do it until our teacher came back or a teacher in another room down the hall heard us and ran in to intervene.

It was great fun, but it was wrong.

I remember, we used to justify it because we always thought that there was nothing wrong with it, because it was true.

“But mono does make you choke!” we would say.

Really, you have to admire the fact that people would be willing to stand up to the tyranny of political correctness like that.

The children will lead the way, I guess.

Maybe it wasn’t pleasant for some of us (Monochoke) to hear, but that didn’t stop us from spreading the word.

If you think about it, we were doing everyone a public service.

Or were we? I always thought so. I was so committed to the cause, I used to call up Monochoke and her parents late at night and repeat the mantra, just so they wouldn’t forget, in their mad dash to ignore the truth.

Unlike them, I slept soundly at night, knowing that I was in the right.

And then I read this:

Infectious mononucleosis

I guess it doesn’t make you choke. My bad.

I am a man of honor and integrity and when I am wrong, I am strong enough to admit it. So I want to apologize.

I know what you’re thinking, “Now, now, don’t be so hard on yourself! You were kids! It was harmless monkeyshines! No harm done!” but I’m not going to be so cavalier.

I am a blogger. I make the news. I create truths.

I have a responsibility to the public to be accurate. Technically, I wasn’t a blogger back then, but that gives me little comfort right now.

And finally, I want to apologize to you, Monochoke. I was misinformed. If there was ever a day when you had something stuck in your throat and you couldn’t breathe and you thought, “Oh shit, I must have mono!” I am sorry.

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9 comments

  1. i guess most of all i’m just really impressed with how committed you kids were to your comedy. that kind of maniacal chanting would surely cause vocal irritation, and at worst bleeding, pussing throat cankers. form the joke, sell the joke, COMMIT to the joke.
    bravo!

  2. Happy belated birthday Eric, John Ritter, and Roddy Mcdowell. If only John and Roddy were in Celebrity Heaven(a special gated section of the here-after), instead of the firey depths of Hell, burning for all eternity, they could have had a totally awesome day as well. I’m sure of it!

  3. Hehe weird. That last post reminds me that book “Choke” by Chuck Palahniuk. Ever put it in a blender, puree it into a smoothie, then insert it rectally?

  4. My God Eric, you’re still a teenager? I would’ve pegged you for being at least 32! I really think it would be smart if you laid off the Virginia Slims and wine coolers for a while.

  5. Hmm, oh well, maybe it was like a payback for all the times other kids made fun of you. If they did…well duh. Oh! And “Mono-choke” reminds me of something else, not mono the mononucleosis. In any case, at least you can grow up and move on now.

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