Cough it up, Chompers


OK, you a-holes have been freeloading off of me for too long now.

I want this.

Buy it for me.

C’mon, do it!

I give you seconds, even minutes of entertainment every 3 or 4 weeks and it’s all free!

Well, now it’s time to pay the bills.

Seriously, everybody tells me the same thing: your videos are OK, but they look like shit.

I have to edit on Windows Movie Maker, like a schlub! What is this, Russia?

Buy me an iMac.

Also, I have a Sony DCR-HC32 camera that I have to shoot everything on. Look it up, it’s not good!

I am a world-class comedic talent and yet I am forced to live in obscurity, pandering to a bunch of nitwits who wouldn’t know their–

Hey, just kidding! But seriously, my camera sucks and I need an iMac. And not one of those old ones. I need a new one. With the big screen.

So dig deep. What were you going to spend the money on? Food? This is the internet, you can skip a few meals. You also don’t need that signed Pulp Fiction one-sheet or a limited edition replica sword from the Lord of the Rings.

Shut up and give me some money.


  1. yeah, just not as eloquent. maybe odenkirk could give you a reference, in case anyone else needs a stand in to drink beer and deliver a one-word line.

  2. Thomas of Schmomas, I call you out. You have besmirched the character of our gracious host for the last time, sir. Not only have you insulted a great man and his contribution to his craft if not the whole of society, you have belittled those of us (and there are great numbers, this you shall not doubt, by your leave, as it were, for all intents and purposes) who merely dream of the opportunity for even a chance to carry the water to the brewer whose honor it is to prepare the beverage of which our noble benefactor partakes. You, sir, are a rogue, and I hereby challenge you to fisticuffs, nay, to a duel of swords. I shall prepare myself for battle and await your arrival at Midnight at the rest stop just East of Oakland on 185. Be sure and have your pants aroud your ankles, with your sword at the ready!

    I hope this helps, Eric. I just want to spread my joy because Jesus just bought ME a new iMac and a Sony HVR camera. He says I can’t share it, though (especially with you). Sorry. Rules is rules, especially from the Son of Man.

  3. It’s not like there isn’t a jolly fat man with a white beard and a red suit who gives away a ton of free shit to non-Jews like yourself every single year. Are you too fucking lazy/impatient to write a simple letter to the North Pole and wait until December 28th or whenever Jesus rose from the dead or whatever?

  4. i heard that if you leave a nosh, you get the gold. if you don’t leave the nosh, then you get a scaaaaaaary copy of “The Passion of the Christ”!

  5. I’ve noticed a very disturbing trend with you, kind Eric. Every so often, you try to persuade your relatively small audience into purchasing silly and frivolous items for you. Need I remind you of the Oakley Blades? And a Nintendo Wii? And that stuffed Lindsay Lohan doll? You’re a celebrity, go out and buy this shit with your blood money and leave us all alone! Unless you truly want something worthwhile, like an orphan boy so you can have him fetch you pops–yeah, that’s right. Midwest in the house!! I call sodas “pops.”

  6. Ayrik,
    You keep forgetting about that dollar I loaned you like, 4 months ago. If you hadn’t converted that dollar into quarters so you could get the funny french tickler and flavored condoms from the vending machine in the mens restroom, you would be resorting to internet harassment.

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