Isn’t it ironic?


Not really. But it is a weird coincidence. Which is what most people mistake for irony. That and “poetic justice.”

That is real. It is the actual fortune from the cookie I received at dinner. Not a member of my party. Me.

Me. The guy who dislocated the lens in his eye yesterday afternoon.

In 1998, I had the lens of my left eye pulled out and replaced with a plastic one. Well, now it seems that it has come loose.

4 open heart surgeries. 2 or 3 more scheduled in the future; not to mention any fun ‘surprises’ fate has in store for me. Add to this all the bullshit with my eyes and you may share my rather bleak outlook on life.

And then I get this. A second opinion. Smooth sailing from here on in, friends.

I suppose this means my eye problems will just solve themselves, so I have no need to go to the doctor.

He called earlier. I sent him straight to voice mail. Delete.

Maybe this strikes you as stupid or irresponsible, but you’re forgetting one thing: fortune cookies are made by Chinese people. They know this kind of stuff. I am led to believe they are very spiritual, so I think everything’s gonna be OK.

If they can invent chopsticks and firecracks and all that martial arts stuff, I’m sure they know a few things about something as dumb as eyes. They’re just blobs of goo, afterall.

So now who’s the stupid one?



  1. Don’t forget that eyes were created by god in their current form (see Irreducible Complexity) so it’s probably god rejecting your robot lens so that he may fix your blessed eye. Just wait and pray to god or whoever else the chinese worship. And don’t even get me started on your monkey heart.

  2. I feel EXTREMELY bad. If I and my posts weren’t so damn funny, you would not have laughed so hard, dislocating your artificial lens in the process.

    Just Joshin’! I really am sorry about your eye. I have artificial lens’ too. One of them is actually starting to slide to the inside, making the way I see light VERY interesting. My retinas are too weak for them to replace it right away. I basically have to wait until the last possible moment to get the lens re-replaced. I am actually blind in my left eye too! Thank’s God!

    I know what you are going through, and I wish you all the best. But seriously, It was my hilarious posts that caused it, right? If not, please try to cut down on the violent masturbating.

  3. Masturbation is not about sex. It is a purely violent act.

    No, wait. That’s rape. Oh, well, gotta go rape my hand.

  4. Of course, it was asking for it. It was wearing one of those fingerless gloves with the knuckles showing. I bet you wouldn’t have been able to help yourself, either, Andrew. Maybe you should think about how other people feel before you get so judgemental.

  5. andrew is still carrying around alot of resentment. it stems from when he caught his hand with another guy. he shot them both down in cold blood, then lambed it to tijuana. there he fell for a cute, five-fingered mexican temptress. that hand couldn’t have been more than 15, and they both knew their love was forbidden, but andrew couldn’t bridle the passion inside himself. they had a brief but explosive affair, until andrew was tracked down by dog chapman and extradited back to the states.
    the mexican hand went back to picking strawberries, but will never forget the american who, for a moment, made her feel like the luckiest hand south of the border.

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