Who wants to join my thrust squad?

In case you don’t know, the best way to get girls is to show them how you would have sex with them by humping a couch.

That way, they will think, “Hmm, that is how he would hump me and that looks pleasurable.”

Then the girls will call you up or send you an email and say, “Hey, I saw your video where you pretend to have sex with a couch and there is music playing and I would like to go on a date with you.”

Then you will go on a date with them and they will probably have sex with you because they saw your video.

So, if you want to join my thrust squad and start humping girls and couches, let me know.

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26 comments

  1. will this involve combinations, meets, and competitions? if so, i may or may not be fascinated. but, no, i don’t want to hump girls and couches, what am i, melina? just kidding, melina. of course i’m not. nah.

  2. i never said it didn’t get me hot. i’m all kinds of burning up. i just don’t know how to meet the right couch. i feel like i’m a suede kind of girl, but i may be kidding myself.

  3. I was waiting for big goofy white Eric to walk in last and be like “they call me The Jackrabbit,” then start going to town on the couch while the black 17 year olds high five each other.

    That would have been among the funniest videos of all time.

  4. Few people know it, but this is actually how the Ottoman Empire began. These young men just know their history. The infamous “Davenport Five” attempted a similar coup in the early nineties, but they tried it with one of those inflatable “Bud Light” chairs, and it deflated due to multiple punctures (the “five” were of caucasian descent).

  5. A testament to how ridiculous I actually am. I have been reading the title as “trust squad”, not “thrust squad.” The article makes much more sense to me now.

  6. In my video it’s more realistic — I verbally coax the couch for twenty minutes, pump it 5-15 times, and then cry myself to sleep. When I awake, the couch is gone.

  7. really? just 20 minutes of “coaxing”? in my last video with a couch i sat on it for a while, we watched a movie- stranger than fiction- not bad- then talked in circles for about 2 hours before the couch pinned me. it’s a different experience with the couch on top. substancial, soft, but strong arms. i left the couch later that night, after we both awkwardly muttered something about work to do before morning.

  8. I think people need to respect the artistic integrity of these young men and let them decide who they want to make love to these couches, not have those kinds of decisions imposed upon them from external sources.

  9. Sure, that’s all well and good, but we have to place some of the blame where it belongs. Living room furniture has been derided and devalued by the entire Hip-Hop community for far too long. Everyone jumps on the bandwagon when someone like Don Imus uses a derogatory term like “saran-wrapped divans”, but it seems as if we forget where these terms originated. The Rev. Dr. Ethan Allen, Jr. must be spinning in his grave.

    Not that I am judging the activity of thrusting itself, just the flippant manner in which these valuable members of the furnishings community are so often treated with such disrespect.

    Church.

  10. I am still expecting some sort of royalty check from you, Filipkowski. I made you, and by god, I can break you just as easily….

    *insert ominous sounding music here*

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