I’m sorry – I was in jail


Sorry I haven’t written anything in a while.

There was “an incident”.

I wasn’t going to talk about it, but what’s the point of having a blog if you only share the positive aspects of your life?

I got arrested. It was stupid.

Basically, I bet my friend that I could get hooked on heroin and then quit cold turkey and nothing would happen. The good news is: I won the bet. The bad news is: I won by lying to my friend and telling him nothing happened.

The details are fuzzy, but within about a six hour span, I lost my job, got divorced, joined the Navy, was then honorably discharged from the Air Force (for some reason) and woke up in an alley, surrounded by crushed-in, metal garbage cans.

Apparently, I was crying and saying something about how I killed R2D2.

So that’s it. No big deal. I’m sorry, can we just drop it? I guess you’ve never made an honest mistake. Well, we’re not all perfect like you, Shakespeare.


  1. My friend died from a heroin overdose while we were watching Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (ironic!) and filling out Navy enlistment papers. Thanks for the memories, dick. My therapist thanks you too. It’s a good thing the government foots the bill, the libs finally got somethin’ right.

  2. i don’t have a huge problem with the whole heroin thing, but i am kinda curious if you were “gay for the stay.” basically, are you still holding on to your anal virtue?

  3. I think we can all agree that heroin is pretty great. Here’s a tip about prison: if you want to maintain your “anal virtue” in prison, you need to make that area as unattractive as possible to potential rapists. This means lots of diarrhea and no wiping. Ewww, gross!

  4. I’m afraid your lies are revealed, clearly you were handed around the cell block like a candy bar. Any ex-con knows diarrhea is nature’s sexy lubricant that screams ‘Gang Bang!’

  5. Buckley, I bet you’re a fine fellow, but if you come near my sweet, sweet heroin, I will stab your eye with this screwdriver I found. OK, I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. It’s just this crazy fucking world, you know?

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