Ed Begley Jr., I’m sorry

Hey, remember when I used to write stories about stuff and there was a plot and whatever? Me either.

Anyway, I want to bring to everyone’s attention something that’s been weighing heavily on my mind. Something that has disgusted me and made me ashamed. I have come to see you can’t hide this stuff inside your own heart.

I know some of my friends might be mad at me for sharing this, but you have to do what you feel is right, even if other people don’t agree.

I recently got some bad news about a friend. The worst part is, I got the bad news from my television set.

Well, I guess he’s not my “friend” exactly, but he feels like it. A few years ago, I was told by a mutual acquaintance that the actor, Ed Begley Jr., has had business cards that say “Hollywood Phony” for years now.

In case you don’t know, I also have business cards that say “Hollywood Phony”. I didn’t copy Mr. Begley Jr., I wasn’t even aware that he thought of himself thusly.

My glib response was always the same: “Well, I’ve got the domain name, so that asshole can go fuck himself!”

Real mature, huh?

Well recently, I saw a clip from the movie, “This Is Spinal Tap” where Ed Begley Jr. is playing drums on a song called “Gimme some money”.

I know! Can you believe it? As you’re all aware, I’m sure, that’s my catchphrase! What the hell? Are we psychically linked or something?

Everybody knows I’m a spiritual person. One coincidence? Oh sure, I can ignore that. But two?? This is Goddess trying to tell me something. My fate and the fate of this moderately successful supporting actor are cosmically intertwined.

I can no longer afford to throw it in this poor guy’s face that I am constantly ruining his bits by taking them and not making any money off of them.

Oh sure, he was in a cult classic, but I’ve been using the same catchphrase for years and haven’t gotten any movie deals. Where’s the justice in that? Poor Ed has to drive the streets in his Prius, getting mobbed by adoring fans while I walk along Hollywood Boulevard in relative obscurity. Sweet, sweet obscurity.

I am sure that, given the chance, he would switch places with me in a second. Who the hell wants to be in movies and TV anyway? Clearly not me! I want to pass out my business cards and use my catchphrase without anyone taking notice or asking me for my autograph and I’m sure Mr. Begley Jr. feels the same way.

So, in an effort to make things right, I am offering you, Ed Begley Jr., the chance to reclaim your identity and purchase my domain name, hollywoodphony.com, for a reasonable price.

Now, before you get up in arms, my loyal readers, don’t worry. I am going to continue blogging. I have literally hundreds of domain names stored up. How about supercooldudeland.com? Chocolatehotdog.com? Mouthpoop.com? Catchy names, every one! And I own them! So fear not, you will love me just as much when I’m at supercooldudeland.com and this is a glitzy bio page for someone else.

I feel alot better now. I’ve put the offer out there, it’s out of my hands. If Mr. Begley Jr. wants to make things right, all he has to do is meet my reasonable asking price of 16 million dollars and this domain is his.

The ball’s in your court, Skippy. You can contact me via email (the link is on the side) or you can deal directly with my business managers and lawyers. I know that the stakes are kinda high, maybe that’s for the best?



  1. Look, I’m the best, we all know that. Whether it comes to Jiu Jitsu fighting, race car driving, whatever. Nobody can beat me at anything I do. Having conquered the world of having heart surgery, I am ready to expand my horizons. This is part of my evolution. Cut all ties to the past. Don’t hang on to your past accomplishments. Live your dreams!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s