Friday Mailbag: A letter from this guy!

Dear Hollywoodphony,

Thank you for your interest in my video. Yes, I used to engage in the homosexual lifestyle, how did you ever know? That’s so weird. Anyways, the good news is, I can assure you that I am 100% cured!

For years, there was nothing I craved more than a sweet, delicious weiner in my mouth. Or three! LOL! I would cruise the streets all day, looking for other dudes to mess around with. Sometimes I would have sex with six or seven guys a day. Sexy, sexy guys. Occasionally, even black guys! Often, they would stick their weiners in my butt, but sometimes I would stick my weiner in their butts. I wasn’t one of those uppity gays who only likes it one way.

Luckily for me, that is all over now and I don’t miss it one bit. I understand that people can be skeptical, but I have never been so happy in my whole life! Now that I have the Lord, all I do is smile all day long! Watch my video! Look at how happy I am! Happy, happy, happy!

The best part is, I don’t crave delicious weiners in my mouth and butt anymore! Not one bit! Not while I’m at the gym, watching some sexy dudes in the shower, not even when I accidentally type in the wrong thing and mistakenly end up on a gay porn website for six or seven hours.

Believe me, back when I was a sinner, I thought I was happy, but I wasn’t! I would go around smiling all day, sucking on weiners, buying pink shirts, trimming my moustache (well I still do those last three! I mean two! Two!), but really I was living a lie. A big, fat, super fun lie!

When my parents kidnapped me, right in the middle of my ultimate frisbee game, I was so steamed! I thought, “who are they to come here, grab me and throw me in the back of a van, tearing my new bike shorts?”

But sixteen weeks of intensive psychological “therapy” later, I was cured and now I thank my parents for what they did! Because I’m happy, happy, happy!

I see now that being gay is a choice. A choice to not fight who you are and instead be fine with ticking off Jesus! I used to think Jesus was all about love and forgiveness, but now I see he is actually a pretty angry guy who shoots lasers out of his eyes and kills US soldiers in Iraq to punish people like me for being born a certain way.

In summation, I want to thank you again for your letter and request that you send me a full-body naked picture of yourself (erect, please) so that I know you are not gay. Trust me, this is standard practice for people who send emails to each other.

May the Lord be with you,

That guy from the video

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5 comments

  1. I was poking around on digg, trying to get more people to read my blog because the world is against me and I saw he’s posted his own blog about this song, expressing his dismay that people think it’s a goof and not him being serious. Which he is.

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