I never really felt that people had a right to be upset when other people or corporations took away their rights. That is, until it happened to me.
Most unfortunately, it had to happen at the one place in the world where I feel that a boy like me can be truly happy: Disneyland.
This is how the Disneyland website describes the Jedi Training Academy:
Feel the Force flow within you as your Jedi training begins. Hone your lightsaber skills as you and other Padawans learn techniques and moves from a Jedi Master. Then, put your training to the ultimate test as you do battle against the dark side. May the Force be with you!
Sounds awesome, huh? It gets better.
As a Jedi Knight Padawan, you will:
- Take the Jedi oath
- Master lightsaber skills
- Learn moves such as the joust, parry and block
- Battle the forces of the dark side, including Stormtroopers, Darth Maul, and Darth Vader
That’s right, you actually get to have a lightsaber battle with Darth Vader and Darth Maul!
“Oh my god,” you say, “this sounds like the greatest thing ever! Let’s go to Disneyland right now!
What’s that sound? Oh that’s right, it’s THE SOUND OF ALL MY FUCKING HOPES AND DREAMS GETTING FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET OF THE RV OF MY LIFE WHICH JUST CRASHED INTO A BRICK WALL MADE OUT OF DYNAMITE AND HORSESHIT.
Jedi Training Academy participants will be randomly selected from amongst audience members, aged 4-12, who volunteer to be part of the show.
Four to twelve? FOUR TO TWELVE?!?
What do four year olds know about Star Wars? I’ll tell you what: NOTHING. Even if you’re 12, that means you were probably born 5 years before Phantom Menace came out. That’s the worst one! Little shits like that came of age in a time where they could ask Santa for a Force Fx lightsaber of their own. The kind that sense motion and have realistic lights and sound.
What about us? The ones who had to use a goddam tennis racket or a wiffle ball bat? The ones who made the swooshing noise with our mouths? What do we get?
I’ll tell you what we get: FUCKED IN THE ASS!
Look, I understand that it’s probably really fun for the kids to get up and do this and I am also positive that introducing a bunch of grown men who’ve never kissed a girl into the mix is going to ruin things, but that’s life.
If your kid’s lightsaber skills suck and he gets poked in the eye, how is that my problem? I’m not saying this should be an all-out battle to the death, but it should be close. I’m sure there’s gotta be a good hospital somewhere near Anaheim. It’ll be fine, trust me.
So please, Disneyland, open up the Jedi Training Academy to everyone except Star Wars nerds who, for the sake of this argument, I will define as anyone who takes their love of Star Wars farther than me, because that’s when it stops being super cool like I am.
Because there is nothing cooler than a grown man in a Jedi cloak, with a plastic lightsaber, beating the shit out of some little kids.