My plan for peace on earth


OK, now I know I can be a bit of a jokester, but trust me, this time I am entirely serious.

Despite all the laughing at others, especially those who are less fortunate than myself, I’m actually a compassionate person. I can’t make it all the way through the song “Puff the Magic Dragon” without crying.

I see our troops dying. I hear about the thousands of Iraqi civilians who have lost their lives and my heart aches. The last time I felt this pain, I ended up at Cedars getting my aortic arch reconstructed (ha cha cha!). But seriously, it sucks.

Like me, you may have asked yourself, “What can I do to stop this?” Well, after much soul-searching, I have come up with a simple plan.

You see that cute little kitty cat up there? That is my mom’s cat, Miss M. Isn’t she adorable? Well, this morning, I walked into the living room and announced to my family that I had officially renamed her “Muqtada al-Sadr.”

“Who is that,” you ask? I’m not sure. All I know is he’s some Muslim guy who is probably gonna be pretty pissed off that he shares his name with a cute, furry FEMALE cat.

“What the hell is the point of this?”

It’s simple: It’s really, really funny.

Think about it: these pissed-off Muslims are all super macho, right? They carry guns and throw acid in women’s faces if they show off their ankles. They hang out with bearded dudes in dresses all day. Not a woman in sight for 20 miles! What could be more heterosexual than that?

Now what is the least macho pet out there? A cat! This can also apply to those tiny dogs women carry around in their purses, but nothing as big as a Beagle, lest our intentions become lost on those without our keen American sense of irony.

Anyway, once this asshole gets my video I’m sending him of my mom holding his namesake upside down and rubbing her tummy, he’s probably just gonna give up the fight and head straight to the negotiating table, his shattered ego in tatters.

Thus, peace will be brokered in the Middle East. Shiite and Sunni will embrace as brothers. Muslim and Jew will sit together at the same Christmas dinner, laughing as they enjoy their delicious Honey Baked Ham. And I, the architect of this world-wide peace, will get some sort of prize or medal, I am sure.

Mission accomplished!



  1. What a coincidence! I named my pussy Muqtada al-Sadr too. Unfortunately, I don’t have any pictures of her to share with everyone. But there is this guy, Gino, in Queens who may have a painting of her. Actually, if memory serves me correctly, he actually has an impression of her sitting on his face. Wow, what a great day that was. We laughed and laughed. I think he cried a little the day I took little Muqtada away.

    You’re right, Eric–this is the perfect plan for peace on earth. I hear Nobel calling your name.

  2. Oh, so that’s what you meant the other day when you asked me to “tickle Muqtada al-Sadr.” Sorry, Ginger. I took you quite literally, so I joined up with the Marines. After 36 weeks of OCS and TBS, followed by at least one other additional school depending on what specialty I am assigned, I should be a fully trained and ready for combat Marine officer (stupid college degree). the it will no doubt be off to Iraq. Using my military training, I will hunt down Muqtada al-Sadr and tickle the ever-loving heck out of him. Perhaps his ensuing angry giggling will lead to peace in the Middle East.

    But now that I know what you really meant, I think I might have made a serious error in judgement.

  3. Trust me, you did. Unless you’ve always had a dream of tickling the ever-loving out of a terrorist. And if that’s the case–Good For You! I should have been more clear when I asked you to tickle MuqTADA. It’s all my fault. Hop the next banana boat and hurry home, soldier boy–MuqTADA awaits.

  4. As we all kow, tickling is a form of abuse. Abuse is a form of torture. I think we all know where this is going. In your gung-ho rush to show your “patriotism”, you have just become part of the problem, Scott (if that is you real name). As Eleanor Clift herself would say, “Excuse me…EXCUSE ME…EXCUSE ME..,blada bada blahda beep beep torture blip bloop blap this administration snark snark snark Abu Ghraib yada yada bleep blip global warming health care.

    I don’t think it’s ever been stated so eloquenty. Please tink before you act next time, Scott.


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