desperate times…

me desperate

I have come to the end. I can go on no longer.

Sometimes the world beats you down and beats you down and beats you down some more.

For the past month and a half, I have dealt with a “minor medical procedure” which has spiraled out of control and consumed my life. Now, just as I am starting to feel like myself, to feel almost… human, I am faced with the prospect of going through the whole thing again.

Are you feeling sorry for me yet? You should be.

All this pales in comparison to the trials and tribulations I have gone through in my search for the one bright, shining star in my life. The one thing that can bring me happiness.

I have come to see that there is something greater than all of us, something which has endured persecution, born its own cross, stood before the masses which cursed its existence. Died and was reborn.

Once I came to accept these truths, I found something flowing through my heart that I had not felt for a long time: hope.

What I am experiencing now can only be termed a crisis of faith. Am I believing in something that actually exists? I have seen it with my own eyes, but can’t our eyes be deceivers?

It does something to you, to question a miracle. One you have been witness to. One you have felt in your hands, as real as the day is long. But I find myself questioning its existence right now.

A while back, I hired my monkey butler to obtain a Nintendo Wii game system for me. This miraculous device has the power to revolutionize the video game industry and brings a whole new user experience to everyone who plays it.

I have played it, my friends. I believe. Or, I did.

As you may have heard, demand is high, supplies are low. People are getting shot. Monkey butlers have failed, time and time again to procure me a Wii. So I turn to you, dear readers.

Here is what I have to offer:

– I will pay you MSRP for a Nintendo Wii Sports system. It comes to about $270 with tax. I can not pay any markup because I am poor and I had surgery. Remember: you should feel sorry for me. Very, very sorry for me. I guess if you are really rich and feel generous to those with disabilities, like myself, you could buy it for me outright, but if you can’t, don’t feel bad.

– In exchange for this act of kindness, I will do something I have never done for a single person on this planet. I will create a custom, 100% original story for you and publish it in this blog.

I know what you’re thinking, “Wow, what a great deal! I would easily pay twice what a Wii costs for such an honor!” And you are right. This is the bargain of the century.

You have the chance to walk hand in hand with me as we stroll down Creativity Lane together.

Have you always wanted to read a story about a character with your exact name who battles robots in space? You’ve got it, new best friend!

Anything your imagination desires, I will write. You can tell me the plot, the setting, the characters, even story arcs. Do you want your character to go through a big change or perhaps get the girl at the end? Done. You give me the details, I fill in the rest with words and junk like that.

Your story will go up here, on where it will be read by hundreds, if not thousands of people. You can show your parents or your grandmother. You can print it out and bring it to work. Nothing says, “You guys were wrong about me, I’m not a loser!” like having your name in some stranger’s blog.

Once you give me the details and I receive my Nintendo Wii, there will be no more than a 4 (working) day turnaround. I will notify you by email when your story is published.

Your entry will be between 1500-2000 words and will be left as the main story on for at least a week so that when you send people to the site, they will see your story right away. You can even supply me with a picture which I will crudely alter using Microsoft Paint to fit in with the story.

I will retain all copyrights and non-exclusive rights to use your name, but who cares about that junk? Assholes, that’s who!

So, you can reply here in the comments or if you are shy, send me an email, the link is on the right, and let me know if you are interested. In case of multiple replies, I will judge who the winner is at my sole discretion.

Good luck!



  1. There was a girl with curls…she had green eyes…with envy those eyes stared every day unto all that encountered her every look…yet…she possessed so many talents….none that she knew she had….humble and beautiful she was….always paranoid….never satisfied…beauty, brains…rich in family, friends and life….no self esteem…what happened to this beautfiul soul…she went into her soul forever she looked…trying to find the pain that she could never uncover…tis’ very sad as she could never live a normal life….constant turmoil, strife and never happy….until one day….a wounded bird approached…this green eyed lady stroked and coddled it so….nourishing it back to where it could spread its wings…the bird taught her that she could do the same…she feels whole again…spreading her wings like a butterfly…..

  2. What can I get if I send you my Sega Genesis with Tecmo Bowl? Thurman Thomas couldn’t be stopped on that game.

    I think that’s worth at least a few sentences.

  3. question: could your stiches come undone?
    if so you could create a diversion and i could gank a Wii.
    then i would take your money and buy like a case of vodka and ill stitch you back up.

  4. Eric, I hope you comprehend what Jody went through to get you Wii, which, as you know, is the greatest piece of technology since Slinky, which you now have, thanks to your only friend. He waited in the cold in a bad neighborhood for three days and nights to get you your fucking toy. Not only should you write a feature story(or feature film) about him on this, your hugely-successful and widely-read tribute to yourself, but you should give him money. And get him girls. Yes, Wii will revolutionize the world, and you are in on it thanks to Jody. Pony up.

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